Cavalcade of Whimsy
January 6
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Pete Fiutak
- Jan.
6 - Do Bowl Wins Mean Momentum?
Sorry if this column sucks, it’s not my fault … it suffered
when former ESPN play-by-play man Ron Franklin
called it Sweet Baby. However, it really stung when
sideline reporter Jeannine Edwards called it an
a**hole.
But Cam’s agent, Cecil, is better than Ron’s … If Franklin had only
solicited $180,000 from Mississippi State, he’d had
have been fine.
“Hey, top-heavy, give me a Tiparillo and a sake and seltzer, s'il vous
plait.” … Would Chris Berman or Kirk
Herbstreit have been canned if they said the
offensive, demeaning remarks, or was Franklin an
easy termination because he’s Ron Franklin? Unlike
the NCAA, though, at least ESPN is consistent when it comes
to handling any whiff of a scandal. Don't poke the
bear. Ever.
“That's terrific, Peter. I'm sure you've heard some of the rumors
around the hallway about how we're just going to do
a little (finger quotes) housecleaning with some of
the software people. ”
… Michigan officials wish to deny reports that the last blurb was
true, and they’ll wait until Wednesday to meet and
discuss it in further detail.
Hi, Denard, so how do you feel about being the next Devin Hester?
… You just know that Rich Rodriguez is going to get
another head coaching job right away and will be
terrific without the pressure of being the Michigan
head man. Who gets to the BCS first, a RichRod
coached BCS team – like Connecticut - or Michigan?
Someone is going to want this offense.
I’m more broken up over the CBS Morning Show whacking of the
spunky-cute Maggie Rodriguez … Using
skills from the advanced course, Journalism 301: Out
Of My Butt, I haven’t gotten any confirmation and
there’s absolutely nothing to back this up at the
moment, but if I had to make an educated guess, I
think Michigan either 1) screwed up or 2) has a
certain SEC head man in mind.
To try to
piece this together, if it’s not Les Miles, it seems
like Michigan thought it had Jim Harbaugh, waited
until after the Orange Bowl, leaked on Tuesday that
Rodriguez was going to be canned, realized it didn’t
have Harbaugh, backtracked and denied that Rodriguez
had been fired, bought 12 hours by putting it off
until Wednesday, realized it couldn’t go back at
that point and keep Rodriguez, and then went ahead
with the firing. Again, total guess on my part, but
even before Rodriguez was fired, all indications
were that Michigan wasn’t going to make a move
unless there was a specific guy ready to jump in. To
speculate further, maybe the plan behind the timing
is to wait until after LSU plays Texas A&M in the
Cotton Bowl on Friday.
“Yes, yes, yes, I do follow, Mr Anchovy, but you see the snag is... if
I now call Mr Chipperfield and say to him, 'look
here, I've got a forty-five-year-old chartered
accountant with me who wants to become a lion
tamer', his first question is not going to be 'does
he have his own hat?'“ … No, Michigan,
after all that just happened with the RichRod
experience, the last thing you want is the Les Miles
travelling fun show.
At least their parents didn’t ask Arkansas for $180,000 to get their
kids to sit out of the Sugar Bowl …
C’mon, Terrelle Pryor and the rest of the Tattoo 5.
Didn’t you learn anything from how Cam Newton
and his agent, Cecil, handled their scandal?
“I … didn’t … know … anything”
NCAA: “Did you sell a pair of game-worn football
pants?”
The Tattoo 5: “We … didn’t … know … anything.”
NCAA: (while flipping through its rule book) “Uh,
um, uhhhhh. Well, we have the receipts right here,
and …”
The Tattoo 5: “We … didn’t … know … anything.”
NCAA: (assistants furiously dialing cell phones in
the background) “… but we have pictures of you
handing them the items and them handing you money.”
The Tattoo 5: “We … didn’t … know … anything.”
NCAA: “You know what? It doesn’t matter. We have
proof and we’re going to suspend you for five games
next year and …”
The Tattoo 5: “We … know … good … lawyers. And we
also know what the word precedent means.”
NCAA: “Hey, uh, JIM!!! Coach Tressel? Could you, um,
talk to these guys for a moment, we’re think we …hey
look, is that Elvis?” (The NCAA clumsily runs out of
the room as quickly as possible.)
Past Cavalcades
-
2008 Season
-
2009 Season
-
Jan 19,
Part 1 - Oh those wacky coaches
-
Jan 19,
Part 2 - The sucky 2009 season
-
Sept.
7, The Marcell Dareus Issue
-
Sept.
14, The Boise State Issue
-
Sept.
21, MSU's Wild Weekend
-
Sept.
28, Is Boise State the new Florida
State or Miami?
-
Oct
5, Oh, that wacky Les Miles
-
Oct.
12, Why the Brett Favre situation matters
-
Oct.
19, Is Oklahoma REALLY No. 1?
-
Oct.
26, What if all the underclassmen come
back?
-
Nov.
2, The Notre Dame Tragedy
-
Nov.
9, The Hosing of Boise State
-
Nov. 16, Cleaning up college football
- Nov.
23 The BCS Games We Want To See
- Nov.
30 The BCS Championship ground rules
-
Dec. 6 - Rich, Cam, and the NCAA's rulings
- Dec.
13 - SMU, the FWAA & Cam, and more Big Ten
names
-
Dec. 21 - Naming the Big Ten divisions after
Bo & Woody, and the solution
-
Dec. 21 - Ten reasons why Auburn will win
the BCS Championship
- Dec. 25 - CFN Holiday Wish
List - Part 1. ACC to the Ind.
- Dec. 25 - CFN Holiday Wish
List - Part 2. MAC to the WAC
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Although ESPNU comes close … I couldn’t seem to find the
Alabama whumping of Michigan State anywhere. My
satellite package doesn’t carry ESPNSuck.
And … and … and … he got to coach in the same division as TEBOWWWWW
… Phew. That was close. For a moment there the
Arrogant Gas Bag levels at the Florida football
program were running dangerously low following the
retirement of Urban Meyer. Thank God, help is on the
way from Kansas City.
“Put your hands together! No! Your hands! Together! Louise!”
… Finally, Ohio State can shed the tag of being
labeled …crap. The rest of the blurb was dropped
after throwing it to an Arkansas receiver.
“Coming into your own, are you, Melon? I wouldn't break my arm patting
myself on the back if I were you. Because... get
this, towel boy... no matter what you think, you
will always be a crude obnoxious, nouveau riche
little phlebe.”
… TCU's 21-19 Rose Bowl victory over Wisconsin delivered an 11.7
television rating, the highest overnight rating
(excluding the NFL) on record for ESPN and all of
cable television. Super, but that’s the equivalent
of winning the Mountain West title.
College football, have you learned nothing from the
NHL burying the Stanley Cup on something called
Versus? Did you notice how no one, and I mean no
one, watched the baseball playoffs on TBS? Have you
seen how the brand name of Monday Night Football
doesn’t mean anything anymore, with the game being
eclipsed prestige-wise by NBC’s Sunday Night
Football? Cable is cable, and no matter how anyone
wants to spin it, that includes ESPN.
I know this might come as a shock, but not everyone
can afford cable or satellite television. I get the
arrogant mindset from ESPN that believes fans will
find a way to get “the family of networks” in some
way to watch the games they want, and that’s true,
but that’s not the point. ESPN can be ignored, but
ABC can’t. ESPN, despite what it believes, is a
niche, and the Rose Bowl and the other BCS games
being on pay TV makes them just another part of the
sports programming day. The BCS being on ABC would
make it a thing, and more casual fans and young
observers would watch the games on regular TV.
And no, the ratings, as great as they were for cable,
weren’t necessarily a success. The 2010 Fiesta Bowl
between TCU and Boise State, not exactly the
be-all-end-all of brand name teams, got Fox an 8.23
rating. Connecticut might not have brought the
intrigue, but it involved the Northeast TV markets,
while Oklahoma is about as big as it gets, and yet
on ESPN the 2011 Fiesta Bowl got a mediocre 6.7
rating. How bad was this for one of the BCS’s
showcase events? Ratings-wise, it didn’t beat the
regular season Auburn-Alabama battle.
The Rose Bowl was an even bigger problem. By far,
TCU’s win over Wisconsin was the most watched
college football game of the 2010 season, but the
11.7 rating paled in comparison to the 13.8 Ohio
State-Oregon did for ABC. Before you dismiss this as
a lack of respect for the Badgers, or that it showed
that no one was interested in TCU, the 2000 Rose
Bowl between Wisconsin and Stanford did a 14.1.
If they can play football in Yankee Stadium, can the Yankees play
baseball in the Rose Bowl? … The 11.7
might not have been phenomenal for the Rose Bowl,
but Fox would kill to hit that mark for a World
Series game not involving the Yankees. The highest
rating for the 2010 tussle between San Francisco and
Texas, two mega-markets, was a 9.0 for Game 4. The
NBA Finals between Boston and Los Angeles, which was
everything the NBA could’ve dreamed of, thanks to a
seven game series, only took in a 10.6. The NFL is
king in this country, but college football is a draw
and might be the No. 2 sport in America.
If only the Tattoo 5 and the Newtons could’ve seen these ads months ago
… Thanks, ESPN ad sales, for unleashing the
Values.com army of guilt trips upon our bowl season.
What’s the true foundation for a better life? A
real, live network with real, live advertisers who
don’t remind me every commercial break what a peehead I am for watching the Advocare V100
Independence Bowl instead of playing with my kids.
Lionel Hutz: Now, Mrs. Simpson, tell the court in your own words what
happened after you and your husband were ejected out
of the restaurant.
Marge: Well, we pretty much went straight home.
Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, remember that you are
under oath.
Marge: We drove around until three in the morning
looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood
restaurant. … AHHHHHH, AHHHHH. AHHHHHH!!!
IT’S JANUARY 5th AND THERE’S NO BOWL GAME!!! IT’S
GOING TO BE OKAY … (pant, pant, pant). Alright.
Ritalin … check. Snuggie … check. Are you there
God, it’s me, Margaret … check. Keys to the
panic room. KEYS TO THE PANIC ROOM … check. Framed
picture of Kirk Herbstreit … check. Okay … 21 hours,
19 minutes, 24 seconds until the GoDaddy.com Bowl.
21 hours, 19 minutes, 21 seconds until the
GoDaddy.com Bowl …
And you can also hear the sound of having timeouts in your pocket after
a long drive at the end of the first half
… Shhhh. If you listen quietly, really quietly,
you’ll hear the sound of Wisconsin ignoring the
power running game.
“Throw me the idol. No time to argue! Throw me idol, I'll throw you the
whip!” … Now is the time of year when
coaches have to hold their breath as juniors … ugh.
Another blurb that landed right in the hands of an
Arkansas receiver and put on the ground.
Daddy, why is there a test pattern instead of the Big Ten Network
post-New Year’s Day wrap-up show? … I’m
now going to attempt to do the impossible. I’m going
to become the public relations director for the Big
Ten and I’m going to spin the New Year’s Day
Saturday of Misery using the A.D.A. method.
Acknowledge – Yes, the Big Ten had a rough January
1st going 0-5. However, all five teams were
underdogs. No one expected Northwestern to come
within two scores of Texas Tech, but the Dan Persa-less
offense made it a game and the team showed great
heart. It was Urban Meyer’s final game at Florida,
so Penn State ran into an emotional buzzsaw.
Wisconsin lost to a TCU program that came within a
hair of playing in each of the last two BCS
Championship games, and Michigan and Michigan State
… Northwestern managed to rally to come within seven
of the Red Raiders. But in the end, 3-5 for the
conference isn’t that bad.
Deflect – New Year’s Day conveniently masked a
disastrous start to the bowl season by the SEC.
South Carolina, the supposed star of the East, was
awful in the Chick-fil-A Bowl loss to Florida State,
and Georgia was an embarrassment to itself, its
conference, and its country by only putting up six
points against a Conference USA team in the Liberty
Bowl loss. Throw in the Tennessee loss to North
Carolina and the SEC started out 0-3. If Kentucky
clanks against Pitt, LSU loses to Texas A&M, and if
Auburn gags against Oregon, suddenly, New Year’s Day
doesn’t become the definitive statement it appeared
to be at the time.
Ask – Really, what were you expecting out of the Big
Ten against the SEC on New Year’s Day? Did you
really think Northwestern or Penn State was going to
win? Did you think Michigan was going to suddenly
find a defense? Did you think Michigan State was …
did you really think the Nittany Lions had a chance
in Meyer’s final game? Cycles, cycles, cycles. The
Big Ten was solid in the 2009-2010 bowl season, and
it should be able to bounce back quickly.
PR hat taken off now. That was an awful, awful,
awful day for the league, and it’s going to take
years and a monster 2011-2012 bowl season to
overcome a disastrous seven hours of bad football.
The Ohio State Sugar Bowl win was a start.
It’s the two-point conversion of your season and
you’re throwing?! … Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Wisconsin’s running game between the first and last
drives.
Wisconsin’s running game between the first and last
drives, who?
Exactly.
“Plunge right through that line! /Run the ball clear down the field, /
A touchdown sure this time. (U rah rah)”
… Why aren’t there more Wisconsins? Football is a
copy-cat sport, and everyone jumps on any new fad
that works, so why don’t more programs 1) focus all
energies on stocking up on top-shelf offensive
linemen who 2) make life a lot easier for an
above-average quarterback and running backs and 3)
work on pounding teams into submission? Why can’t
Minnesota do the same thing? Why couldn’t Indiana go
from miserable to solid by using this formula?
Remember, Wisconsin used to be among the worst
programs in the country before Barry Alvarez took
over, and if this can succeed in Madison, it can fly
just about anywhere. Of course, this only works IF
YOU RUN THE FREAKING BALL ON PUNY DEFENSIVE FRONT
SEVENS. Very strange, but it had a … this would’ve
gone further, but the Hog receivers just can’t seem
to find the handle.
You don’t ask about Sweet Cakes, and you don’t tell about Sweet Cakes
… The best line uttered in 2010 by any human being
on this or any other planet. From Mike Patrick in
the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
after a fumble: “You know, as I always say, when
you’re under a pile with a bunch of guys from the
Navy ….” And cue the uncomfortable silence as his
voice trailed off and that little balloon hung in
the air for what seemed like ten minutes.
Who are the Catholics and who are the Convicts? … Well
that’s a relief. Notre Dame beat Miami 33-17 with a
dominant performance in the Sun Bowl. That means the
Declan Sullivan death and the memory of Elizabeth
Seeberg, along with her suicide following the
traumatizing fear of what going against the Irish
football program might mean, can be swept aside to
bask in the glory of a victorious football game.
And I’m pushing for GameDay to come broadcast from my breakfast nook,
because 14 degrees and a foot of snow is far more
character-building than the boring calmness of
Glendale. … It’s Year Two, Week Seventeen
of my open lobbying of the ESPN College Football
Final show guys to give me a helmet sticker and the
signed T-shirt, suitable for framing. Why do I
deserve one this week? Once again, because it’s my
job, I am the only human being on the planet who sat
through every second of every bowl game, from the
opening kickoff of the New Mexico Bowl right on
through Terrelle Pryor’s apology up on the Sugar
Bowl winners’ podium. Now, for doing this, again,
and consuming so much ESPN product, I don’t just
want the signed T-shirt and the helmet sticker, I
want a, “I Sat Through Every Minute Of Every Bowl
Game And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt,” shirt.
ESPN, use some of that Values.com ad money and make
them up.
- Jan.
6 - Do Bowl Wins Mean Momentum?