Cavalcade of Whimsy
Oct. 11, 2011
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- Part 2. Why college
football is wonderful again
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194 days since Stanley McClover's claims
against Auburn, Ohio State, Michigan State, and LSU
with no repercussions.
Sorry if this column sucks, it's not my fault … someone hacked into it and called it the most disgraceful column she ever met in her entire life. It cheated on her during the entire relationship.
The two greatest American wastes of time, energy, and resources: 1) Any interview with Julia Roberts, and 2) bowl rematches of regular season games. However … What happens if LSU and Alabama are as dominant and as amazing for the rest of the year as they've been over the first half of the season, and Bama beats LSU on a last second field goal in a hard-fought, even game?
Alabama would shoot up to No. 1 in every poll, and since it was a road game for LSU, there might be some thought that it would've gone the other way had it been in Death Valley. Will LSU deserve to be No. 2?
Let's say Oregon runs the table and wins the Pac-12 title, or at worst finishes 10-2 after a loss to Stanford. Let's say West Virginia runs the table and wins the Big East title, or at worst finishes 10-2 with an upset loss along the way. Let's say Arkansas steamrolls over Ole Miss, Vandy,
South Carolina, Tennessee, and Mississippi State to
roll up to 10-1 before losing to LSU to finish with
losses to the Tide and the Tigers. With its résumé,
and remembering that in this scenario the road loss
to Alabama is close, it wouldn't be a hard sell to
suggest that LSU should get the second BCS
Championship spot to settle the debate on a neutral
Jimmie: I can't believe this is the same car. … The new unsportsmanlike celebration penalty – taking away a touchdown if the "excessive" celebration happens in the field of play - is awful and unnecessary, but it it's in the rule book. If it has to be enforced, then it couldn't have been brought out and highlighted at a better time than on LSU punter Brad Wing's fake for a touchdown against Florida.
The Tigers were never in any threat of losing, already up 14-0 in the first quarter against a punchless offense, and it was just enough of an innocuous taunt by Wing to show coaches that the officials really might throw the flag for something that really doesn't seem like a big deal. If the flag on Wing prevents a penalty call in a bigger game in a situation that really does matter, then it was worth it.
"Well, I'm gonna go, then.
I don't need any of this!
I don't need this stuff!
And I don't need you!
I don't need anything!
That's the only thing I need is this!
I don't need this or this!
Just this ashtray!
And this paddle game.
The ashtray and the paddle game
and that's all I need.
And this remote control.
The ashtray, the paddle game
and the remote control. That's all I need.
And these matches.
The ashtray, these matches
the remote control and the paddle ball.
And this lamp."
… So let's get this straight. Jim Tressel didn't "resign," he "retired," and because of that he didn't have to pay a $250,000 fine for breaking NCAA rules and he got paid, along with an undisclosed settlement, $52,250 by The Ohio State University for his time before he "retired." So Tressel is getting paid for not working, a no-show job, while receiver DeVier Posey is in trouble after allegedly being overpaid $728 for a job he didn't do and running back Dan Herron remains suspended for getting just under $300.
Yeah, fine, if we're all really going by the NCAA rule book, what else has to happen before Ohio State gets hit with a penalty with some teeth? Shouldn't this now make the Buckeye program a repeat offender? Maybe, but the college athletic world just can't get in touch with reality. Conferences are realigning and putting together billion dollar TV deals, while the NCAA is whizzing and moaning over a few hundred bucks handed out to players. I can't keep saying this enough when it comes to some dopey booster giving a player money. It … doesn't … matter.
"And this is from my heart - which is deep inside my body - it's better to look good than to feel good." … Quick, what's Penn State's record?
The Nittany Lions are averaging 374 yards and 21.5 points per game, the special teams are awful, the passing game is 101st in the nation in efficiency, they scored 14 points against Temple and 16 points against a miserable Indiana, and they're 5-1.
The defense is playing out of its gourd, even with the loss of top linebacker Michael Mauti, thanks to a secondary that's stopping passing games cold. The team doesn't pass the eye-test in any way, however, 5-1 is 5-1 is 5-1, with the lone loss coming to Alabama. With three home games in the next four, there's an honest chance that this awful-looking offensive team will be 7-1 before hosting Illinois and Nebraska.
Forgetting the stats and forgetting appearances, any Penn State fan would accept a 5-1 start with the one loss coming to Alabama.
Even if the head coach was Urban Meyer.
Because my four-year-old daughter's rendition isn't disturbing enough … Penn State plays snippets of Rihanna's S&M over the loudspeakers – I like it-like it c'mon – after big plays. 1) The look on Joe Paterno's face if he actually read the lyrics vs. the look on Joe Paterno's face after watching Robert Bolden try to throw, or 2) there's no truth to the rumor that upon retirement, Paterno, complete in a black turtleneck and with cigarette smoke swirling, plans on spending his days performing the song in a spoken-word, Shatner-reads-Rocket Man-like interpretation.
CENTURION: What's this, then? 'Romanes Eunt Domus'? 'People called Romanes they go the house'?
BRIAN: It-- it says, 'Romans, go home'.
CENTURION: No, it doesn't. What's Latin for 'Roman'? Come on!
… Yes, Texas Tech fans. After that blurb you're perfectly justified to do that to my bus.
"Why stay in college?/Why go to night school?/Gonna be different this time/Can't write a letter/can't send a postcard/I can't write nothing at all" … Bryce Brown needs to become the next great NFL running back, only to prove a point.
Ranked as the No. 1 overall recruit in the nation in 2009 by Scout – one spot ahead of Matt Barkley – Brown was the center of a major recruiting battle that was equal parts fierce and strange. Everyone wanted him, but there was one problem; Brown had no interest in playing college football, even looking into possibly playing in the CFL out of high school since he wasn't eligible for the NFL draft.
He ended up at Tennessee and got in the mix right away under Lane Kiffin, running for 104 yards in his first game and finishing with 460 yards, but he bolted once Kiffin went to USC. First Brown was looking at Miami, to play with his brother, linebacker Arthur Brown, before settling on Kansas State after Arthur transferred and became a Wildcat. It didn't work out.
The story hasn't come out yet about what's really going on, and there are plenty of wild rumors, but basically, Brown wasn't a fit for college.
Not every human being is cut out to go to school, and it's a shame that players are forced to pretend to care about learning when they just don't want to. The Dick Vitale types of the world try to sell some cockamamie bullspit story about how even a little bit of college is a good thing, but that's just not true.
Brown probably won't be drafted, and if he is, it won't be until late despite his great size and 4.4 speed. Why? Because he didn't play enough college football. He didn't go through the system.
NFL running backs have the shelf life of an organically grown banana. Shaun Alexander, Larry Johnson, Terrell Davis, and back after back go from being brilliant to hitting a wall that ends the career with a sudden stop. Brown, like all players, need to be allowed to enter the draft whenever they want to. If they're not fully mature both physically and mentally, then too bad. It's not fair to the schools, the coaches, and the prospects to make them be something they're not, and if they go to an NFL camp and fail, then college is still there. Otherwise, the world needs ditch diggers, too.
Speaking of college not being for everyone. While staying ten miles away from the political side of the story, to all the young recent college grads doing the Wall Street protest thing … the point of going to college isn't to get a job, but you don't find that out until it's too late. You go to college to get smarter, to learn, to figure out what your likes and dislikes really are, to discover things you never knew existed, and to become a well-rounded human being. Either you go to grad school to go after the profession you want, or you bust your tail getting coffee and stapling things to get the work experience to combine with a college education to get a job. It's been that way for the last 30 years or so, only there hasn't always been YouTube to whine about it.
"Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played girl." … Give the Big East credit for giving it a shot. Trying to bring in Army, Navy, and Air Force would be a decent move, considering they have a bit of a national following and they always get attention, and the league should've grabbed UCF yesterday to get the Orlando market, the recruiting area, and a natural rival for South Florida.
Yeah, going after Boise State might help the football product, but it's just plain weird to have a member of the Big East 2,500 miles away from New York City, and thinking about bringing back Temple is like trying to get back together with an old girlfriend you once dumped because she laughed like Elmer Fudd.
"I have got a really bad cramp. I've been having really bad cramps all week." … Before the 2006 season, I got lit up by Bob Stoops for daring to ask why he insisted on playing Adrian Peterson late in meaningless blowout games. Up 27-9 in the fourth quarter against Iowa State, and with no hope of the Cyclones making a comeback, Peterson was inexplicably and unnecessarily still in the game.
He got knocked out for the rest of the regular season on a touchdown run in the final few minutes.
Fast forward to the Texas game and the frightening site of seeing OU's dream season going bye-bye when star linebackers Travis Lewis and Tom Wort were both down and needing attention – when the Sooners were up 48-10.
Football players are football players and they always want to play, but it's up to the coaches, the adults, to be smart about realizing the importance of keeping the key ones healthy. You might argue with me about the philosophy of taking stars out as soon as possible, but first, watch part two of the magnificent documentary, Bill Belichick, A Football Life. Fast-forward to the part when Belichick and his staff talk about the importance of Wes Welker and how they couldn't afford to lose him before a meaningless Week 17 game, and then watch them go into the tank after losing him for the playoffs to a torn up knee.
When Georgia Tech and Nevada are the passing teams, there's a problem … Maryland quarterbacks combining to complete 6-of-24 passes for 87 yards and two interceptions against Georgia Tech vs. UNLV quarterback Caleb Herring, the only one to throw a pass, completing 1-of-14 passes for eight yards and an interception against Nevada. Discuss.
"A tad? Lloyd, you drove almost a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction." … Anti-expansion/realignment types, if you think the idea of Missouri joining the SEC is a little strange, fine, but don't try to justify your issues by using geography as an excuse. It's only 300 miles from Columbia to Fayetteville - the University of Missouri is east of the University of Arkansas. Mizzou is only 430 miles away from Nashville, around 450 miles away from Oxford and Lexington, and 600 miles from Birmingham and Knoxville. The University of Florida is 550 miles away from Knoxville, 585 miles away from Nashville, over 700 miles away from Lexington, and over 1,000 miles away from Fayetteville.
I'm sorry for this. Really, I'm sorry. … This week's Alex Neutz tracker: The Buffalo sophomore was off last week, but he's in the top ten in all MAC categories grabbing 28 balls for 373 yards and two touchdowns. However, if Ohio's LaVon Brazill makes two more grabs, it'll be Brazill Neutz on the list of most productive MAC receivers.
"It is a sad fact of life, Don, but the truth is we all have to eat a little (bleep) from time to time." … Oh come on, Texas Tech fans. I know that was bad, but that's just gross.
And I'm pushing for GameDay to come broadcast from my breakfast nook, but I'm just not that comfortable in my own skin. If only there was a soap that could change that … It's Year Three, Week Four of my open lobbying of the College Football Final show guys to give me a helmet sticker and the signed T-shirt, suitable for framing. Why do I deserve one this week? Give me one, and I promise to never, ever, ever, ever, ever again link Joe Paterno
to any song with the word boudoir in it.
- Part 2. Why college
football is wonderful again