Cavalcade of Whimsy - Welcome To Urban
Posted Nov 29, 2011

Cavalcade of Whimsy: The Urban era. It's going to be interesting.

Cavalcade of Whimsy

Nov. 29, 2011

Past Cavalcades
- 2008 Season | 2009 Season | 2010 Season 
2011 Sept. 6 | Sept. 13 | Sept. 20 | Sept. 27 | Oct. 4 | Oct. 11 | Oct. 18 
- Oct. 25 |  Nov. 8 | Week 15 

- Part 2 - Tim Tebow & Nine Other Reasons To Be Grouchy

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Sorry if this column sucks, it's not my fault … I didn't know if it sucked of not, but Shelley and I prayed about it. We talked about it. We took our time. Next morning, we woke up. I looked at her again - she's a better judge of talent than I am - and there's no doubt that it sucked.

"Mothers of River City, heed that warning before it's too late! Watch for the telltale signs of corruption! The minute your son leaves the house, does he rebuckle his knickerbockers below the knee? Is there a nicotine stain on his index finger? A dime-novel hidden in the corncrib? Is he starting to memorize jokes from Captain Billy's Whiz-Bang? Are certain words creeping into his conversation? Words like "swell" and "so's your old man"? If so my friends, ya got trouble!" ... (Raised hand) Question! Right here! Question! Hi, Urban, Pete Fiutak, and Welcome to Columbus, um, Ohio State, I mean, welcome home (nervous giggle followed by a throat-clearing cough).

How is a recruit supposed to take anything you say seriously after you adamantly and defiantly sold Mack Brown and the 2010 Florida recruiting class a fat load of bull muffins about how you were going to be their head coach through the time they graduated? Thanks! Good luck!

"Mein Kriecher sagte mir, dass ich nie aufhoere, ihn zu erstaunen." ... I didn't know whether or not to write that, but Urban's wife Shelley and I prayed on it and instead we decided to hire Luke Fickell to be in charge of massaging Meyer's brain.

"Jerry, come on. Don't get upset about it. There's always next spring. Now will you excuse me for a moment. Serenity nooooooooww!" ... Does Meyer have ANY idea what job he just took? He had a hard time dealing with the distractions at Florida?! Tick ... tick ... tick ... tick ...

"Son, in 35 years of religious study, I have only come up with two hard incontrovertible facts: there is a God, and I'm not Him." ... The one positive out of the Penn State fiasco and the Joe Paterno firing was that the sports world was finally taking a positive step towards eliminating the idea that winning lots and lots of games has anything to do with integrity.

Finally, fans were starting to realize that coaches aren't gods, especially if they disgrace a university by covering up evidence, cheat, or inexplicably choose to double down on an assistant who's being accused of doing naughty things with ball boys – well played, Jim Boeheim, well played.

And then comes the Urban Meyer press conference.

Take a step back for a moment and try to comprehend who Ohio State just hired as its next head football coach just a few short months after all the embarrassment and all the scandal that Jim Tressel – who also suggested he was doing God's work – brought to the school.

"Shelley and I prayed about it. We talked about it. We took our time. Next morning, we woke up. I looked at her again - she's a better judge of talent than I am - and there's no doubt I wanted (Luke Fickell) to be a part of this team."

This is just the kind of crap the powerfully stupid laps up, and it's the precise reason why so many confused people start to see football coaches as more than just guys who teach people how to block and tackle.

There are some who'll really and truly believe that Fickell is an Ohio State assistant coach because Meyer got part of the answer he needed through prayer. The other part, apparently, came from the green light from Meyer's wife.

This means that if you're an assistant coach and you're not hired for the Ohio State coaching staff, it's because God, I mean, Meyer, I mean Shelley, I mean God, doesn't think you're worthy.


There's no truth to the rumor that Tom Rinaldi was seen aimlessly wandering around the Bristol campus looking to ask something poignant ... By the way, on the whole Jim Boeheim/Bernie Fine disaster, two words, ESPN: Mike McQueary. The "we thought the police had been made aware of the story" line didn't work at Penn State, either.

"I'm not being defensive! You're the one who's being defensive! Why is it always the other person who's being defensive? Have you ever asked yourself that? Why don't you ask yourself that?" ... And while we're at it, shock of shocks, there's not one single dissenting voice when it comes to the idea of LSU-Alabama playing again. Keep a close eye on how ESPN tries to force America to care about a rematch of a dry Game of the Century. In a sport whose championship matchup is determined by voters, the absence of another opinion is a big, big problem.

"You do it one more time and the Orlando Sentinel's not welcome here." or "And you will not see me at the pancake social tomorrow." ... The clock on Urban Meyer Bully The Beat Reporter/Lockdown the Program clock is at four days, ten hours, 19 minutes and 32 seconds … 31 seconds … 30 seconds …

Seriously, though, adding flatbread to the mix was divine inspiration ... I didn't know which sub to get, but Shelley and I prayed on it. We talked about it. We took our time. Next morning, we woke up. I looked at her again - she's a better judge of sandwiches than I am - and there's no doubt what I wanted and I went with the footlong chicken marinara on flatbread. And it was good.

After he picked up Meyer's shirts from the dry cleaners ... I think Luke Fickell was my sandwich artist.

"Not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, not 6, not 7 titles" ... I'm firing on Meyer because he's going to make the world a grouchier place to live because he's the Ohio State head football coach, but I also think he's going to absolutely rock. He's going to create a powerhouse factory of talent like Nick Saban put together at Alabama, and I'm setting the bar at two national titles – at least - before he's done. Ohio State has always been a loaded with NFL prospects, but Meyer is going to take the program to a whole other level.

Stern firm and young with a laid back tongue/the aim is to succeed and achieve at 21/Just like Ringling Brothers I'll daze and astound/Captivate the mass, ‘cause the prose is profound ... Cavalcade of Whimsy Name of the Week, Part One: Illinois defensive end Dejazz Woods. Next year he'll replace Whitney Mercilus to keep the tradition of great Illini names going.

"Now, you saw that with your own beautiful blue eye did you not?" ... In December of 2002 I spent the better part of the month getting hammered by Miami fans for saying their Hurricanes were overrated and CFN's pick of Ohio State to win the Fiesta Bowl. It was supposed to be a sure-thing that Miami – the defending national champion on a 35-game winning streak – was going to blow past the undefeated but shaky Buckeyes.

Ohio State 31, Miami 24.

CFN was obliterated by angry USC fans for picking Texas to win the 2006 Rose Bowl, even though the mighty Trojans were already named the Greatest Team of All-Time. Texas 41, USC 38

I was also honked at by the SEC types for handing Ohio State the crown in 2006 after the epic 42-39 win over Michigan.

Florida 41, Ohio State 14.

Penn State 14, Miami 10 in the 1987 Fiesta Bowl; Alabama 34, Miami 13 in the 1993 Sugar Bowl; Utah 31, Alabama 17 in the 2009 Sugar Bowl; West Virginia 38, Georgia 35 in the 2005 Sugar Bowl; Boise State 43, Oklahoma 42 in the 2007 Fiesta Bowl, and on, and on, and on.

Going by the "eye test" is a dangerous thing.

Yeah, Alabama looks like it's one of the two best teams in the country, but time after time after time the eyes have failed the college football experts. That's why they actually play the games on the field, and that's why someone other than Alabama has to play LSU for the national title.

From a theoretical standpoint, nothing positive can come out of a rematch for the national title. If LSU wins, then it'll be an empty feeling. It would be nice to see an Oklahoma State, Virginia Tech, Houston, or anyone else get their shot, if only to prove once again that LSU is better than everyone.

If Alabama beats LSU, then there will always be a, "Yeah, okay, but …," attached to the national title. The series will be tied at 1-1 with LSU having won at Alabama.

And then there's the eye-test thing to go back to.

Alabama beat three teams with winning records. Its best win was over an Arkansas team whose best win was over the seventh-best team in the Big 12 – Texas A&M. Bama's second best win was over the Big Ten's fifth-best team, Penn State.

What's missing from the LSU and Alabama equations? Passing teams.

Tyler Wilson was the best quarterback Alabama faced. Jordan Jefferson was second. The third-best quarterback Oklahoma State faced was Arizona's Nick Foles, who threw for 4,334 yards and 34 scores- Robert Griffin and Landry Jones, up next, are the other two.

LSU faced West Virginia's Geno Smith and got bombed on.

Again, what will it prove if these two play a rematch?

Isn't just possible that getting through the Alabama schedule really wasn't that big a deal? Isn't it likely that Oklahoma State, Stanford, Virginia Tech, or even Wisconsin, would've also gone 11-1 with this slate?

Isn't it possible that our eyes could be deceiving us? Let's give another team a crack at LSU to find out. If Alabama goes to the Sugar and wallops Michigan, it'll finish No. 2 – like it should.

"If you are wise you'll listen to me./What do you get when you guzzle down sweets?" ... Cavalcade of Whimsy Name of the Week, Part Two: Western Michigan QB Tyler Van Tubbergen. If the football thing doesn't work out he has the perfect name to become the mayor of Loompaland.

Trust me ... I wasn't sure whether or not to watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show tonight. Shelley and I prayed about it. We talked about it. We took our time. Next morning, we woke up. I looked at her again - she's a better judge of talent than I am - and there's no doubt that it's going to be the greatest program in the history of the medium.

And I'm pushing for GameDay to come broadcast from my breakfast nook. We're loaded with the new Starbucks K-cups. Caffeine won't be an issue … To fill the empty void in the column and in my life, each week I'll unearth a wacky fun-stat worthy of being used on the GameDay broadcast. Navy has the second-worst passing attack in America with 1,016 yards on the year. Who's last? Army, with 528 yards and four scores in 11 games. No team in America completed fewer than 45% of their passes, except for Army, who connected on 36.26% of its throws.

- Part 2 - Tim Tebow & Nine Other Reasons To Be Grouchy