Cavalcade of Whimsy
College Football For the Handsome
Follow us ...
So Far ...
- Oct. 9, Part 1 - The two stars
of the first half of the season
- Part 2 - The Big Dumb Calls For The Second Half
- Oct. 16, Part 1 - The
Big Play For Notre Dame
- Part 2 - The Under The
Radar Players You Should Know
- Part 2 - The Most Interesting Team, and Stats You Should Know
Sorry if this column sucks, it's not my fault … I had more interesting blurbs ready to substitute in for the boring ones, but North Carolina's Shakeel Rashad ran into them.
"I didn't order any wine! If this is one of those kind of places where they bring you wine that you didn't order, and then put it on your bill, I'm not biting!" ... Seriously, America, we might be known for our short attention span – excuse me for a moment, there's a squirrel running around my front yard … we might be known for our short attention span, but the college football world just got over being pantsed by the overhype and underanalysis of Geno Smith, and now it's happening again.
Doesn't anyone actually look at why some of these players and teams are putting up the massive numbers they are?
Even though I said at the time that the excitement over Smith needed to settle down after beating Baylor – the Bears came into that game with the worst pass defense among all BCS teams – there was reason to think something special was happening after beating Texas at Texas. Jumping the gun is par for the course for the first half of the season because there isn't much to go on and the pieces of the puzzle are still being put together, but there's no excuse at this point for declaring the Heisman race over just because one good quarterback did what good quarterbacks do against one of the most miserable defenses devised since the beginning of recorded time.
Want to pump up your stats? Want to have some fun? Put 2012 West Virginia and its dead-last pass defense on your slate. How's this for a résumé?
- Marshall's Rakeem Cato threw for 413 yards and two scores.
- Maryland's Perry Hills completed 20-of-29 passes for 305 yards and three touchdowns and a pick.
- Baylor's Nick Florence threw for 581 yards and five scores and ran for a touchdown.
- David Ash of Texas completed 22-of-29 passes for 269 yards and a score.
- Texas Tech's Seth Doege completed 32-of-42 passes for 499 yards and six touchdowns.
And now Collin Klein is being handed the Heisman.
There's no question that Klein deserves to be the Heisman front-runner by any and every measure. A case could be made that he's the most valuable player in college football, and he has certainly been among the most outstanding.
The stats might not have been special, but coming out of Oklahoma with a win is all that matters for a starting quarterback, and he got the job done in a sneaky-tough date at Iowa State and was strong against Miami, rushing for three touchdowns in each win. However, there's no need to assume the Heisman chase is over just because he completed 19-of-21 passes for 323 yards and three scores, and ran for four touchdowns, against a team that seems to think that defense is just something to pass the time before the offense can get back on the field.
Yes, if the world ended right now, Klein would and should be No. 1 on every Heisman ballot. But with that said …
"You gonna bark little doggy, or are you gonna bite?" ... Seth Doege, this game in Manhattan on Saturday isn't for you. This isn't for Texas Tech and this isn't for Tommy Tuberville. This is for Sonny Cumbie. This is for Kliff Kingsbury. This is for Graham Harrell, Cody Hodges, B.J. Symons and Taylor Potts. This is for all the moderately-talented Texas Tech system quarterbacks who put up ungodly numbers without ever getting a sniff of the Heisman under Mike Leach.
Before the wheels came off against Texas Tech and Kansas State, when things were going perfectly for Geno Smith, if you projected his first five games on the rest of the regular season he would've finished with 57 touchdown passes and 4,790 yards in 12 games. In 2003, Symons threw for 5,883 yards and 52 touchdowns. In 2007, Harrell threw for 5,705 yards and 48 scores. In 2002, Kingsbury threw it around for 5,017 yards and 45 touchdowns.
So far this season, Doege has thrown for 2,209 yards and 28 scores, which projects to 3,786 yards and 48 touchdowns, and while he had his worst game of the year in a key showdown against Oklahoma, if he comes up with a huge performance and outplays Klein in a win over Kansas State, then watch how quickly the Heisman windsock blows the other way.
"A necessary sacrifice to bring peace to this planet. We cannot let the humans pay for our mistakes. It's been an honor serving with you all"... If you're dopey enough to have sat through any of the Transformer movies, and if you ever use the name Optimus Klein, you shouldn't be allowed to vote for the Heisman. Or drive a car. Or be allowed to use scissors. Or be allowed to purchase large, surgary sodas in New York.
"Is it possible that we got so wasted last night that we bought a lifetime supply of pudding and then totally forgot about it?" ... Exclusive behind the scenes transcript of Ryan Lochte's conversation with Jesse Palmer and David Pollack before his appearance as a guest picker on College GameDay in Gainesville.
Lochte: Dudes, what's up?
Palmer: Hey dude.
Pollack: Just chillin', bro.
Palmer: Kickin' it.
Lochte: Palmer, our Gators … awww yeah (going in for the fist bump)
Palmer: (delivering fist bump and finishing with the explosion) You know it, bro.
Lochte: So, dudes, I'm on in five … Palmer, sport me some gel.
Pollack: Oh no … dude.
Lochte: Sweet, Axe. oooa oooa (making hang ten sign while going in for the gel without waiting for the okay).
Pollack: Aw no, not again, duuuuude, chillllllll.
Palmer: DUDE, WAY HARSH!!!
GameDay Producer: Mr. Lochte, you're on.
Lochte: (pushing Palmer aside) Outta my way, bro.
Palmer: Dude … what's with the physicality?
Elaine: "Well, we had a choice. Steak or fish."
Dr. Rumack: "Yes, yes, I remember. I had lasagna." ... It isn't just that Lochte picked Auburn to win the LSU-Texas A&M game – chalk that up a slight snafu on live television – it's that he picked Auburn at all.
But for my own selfish purposes, the Wildcats vs. the Ducks would make the next few weeks very, very easy ... Look, people, I'm sorry, but the SEC is better than every other conference. I know you're all sick and tired of everything revolving around the super-conference, and I'm well aware the desperation from so many to see someone break through the ceiling and put a stop the SEC's reign of championships, but the top teams in the conference are simply better than everyone else's top teams.
Does that mean Oregon can't give Alabama a run? Does that mean Kansas State or Notre Dame can't beat Florida? Does that mean that Georgia and it's suddenly-awful defense and a beaten up South Carolina are the be-all-end-all? No, of course not, but for everyone out there angry about Florida being ranked so high, and to everyone who's ticked off at the idea that South Carolina still might be one of the five best teams in America after losing to LSU and Florida, this isn't going to change unless an SEC team loses in the BCS championship.
The biggest disaster this season would be if Kansas State plays Oregon for the national title – no one will buy it. If the SEC champion has one loss, and two unbeaten teams from other conferences go to Miami, all the talking heads will chirp and crow that the two most deserving teams are playing for the national title – again, no one will buy it.
No matter how the rest of the season plays out, would anyone take Kansas State, Oregon, Notre Dame, Oregon State, Rutgers or Louisville over Alabama and a coaching staff that gets six weeks to prepare? Yeah, right.
"Tell me about … Ohio" ... I want to know the name, address and pant size of each and every voter in any of the human polls who has seen Ohio play more than one down of football since the win over Penn State. The Bobcats are ranked 24th in the latest BCS standings, and 23rd in the Coaches', Harris and AP polls despite needing everything in the bag last week to beat Akron, whose only win so far was against Morgan State, and struggled to beat Buffalo, whose lone win this season was also against Morgan State.
Before beating the Zips by six and Buffalo by seven, the Bobcats won 37-34 over a UMass team that has yet to win a game. Not only isn't Ohio one of the 23 best teams in the country, it's not even the third best team in the MAC. Northern Illinois is destroying everything in its path, Toledo came within an overtime loss to Arizona of being unbeaten, and Kent State is on a roll winning five straight with fix of its victories this year by double digits.
And I'm pushing for the 2015 national championship – or at least one of the playoff games - to be played in my basement. I just fixed the toilet. You only need to flush once now. … It's Week Nine of my shameless and impossible quest to be on the committee that helps pick the playoff teams two years from now. Why do I deserve a spot? I don't. At least not after my typo tweet that Idaho head coach Robb Ikey had been canned. Apparently, I was trying to combine a fired football coach with mediocre, moderately-priced Swedish furniture with assembly directions no one can understand.
- Part 2 - The Most Interesting Team, and Stats You Should Know