Cavalcade of Whimsy
College Football For the Handsome
Follow us ...
So Far ...
- Oct. 9, The two stars
of the first half of the season
- Part 2 - The Big Dumb Calls For The Second Half
- Oct. 16, The
Big Play For Notre Dame
- Part 2 - The Under The
Radar Players You Should Know
- Oct. 23, Is
Collin Klein worth the hype?
- Oct. 30, It's
USC's time to shine
- Part 2 - Election Day - Breaking Down The Heisman Candidates
Sorry if this column sucks, it's not my fault … I totally blew it after changing up what worked by going into the prevent. Alabama carved it up like a Thanksgiving turkey.
"There'll be 15 minutes of kissin',/
And then you holler "Oh please don't stop!"... Oh, that's SO not fair. Only in Alabama football world do chicks go all weak-kneed dreamy for a guy that
has no game for 59 minutes, is totally inferior to some guy named Zach, and turns into a blubbering mess after finishing in 43 seconds.
"The first thing a Cry-Baby girl learns: our bazooms are our weapons." ...
Always: You just kept the championship dream alive by engineering the drive of your life
become a legend.
Sometimes: "Owens! Owens! Owens!"
Never: The waning moments of the 2009 SEC championship: Alabama 32, Florida 13
"You really had me going baby/
Come on! Give me a break!/
You really had me going baby/
How come you're such a fake"... Seriously, Les Miles, do you know Alabama football at all? How could you not know that that team was going to be prepared for every little trick, gimmick and gadget? Les, either you believe in your damn strong football team, or you don't. The sad part is that your Tigers would've beaten Nick's team straight up, holding on to the ball for over 39 minutes and converting 10-of-20 third down chances. Alabama converted just one third down try and was -2 in turnover margin.
Mmmmmm, Mettenberger ... Maybe you can help me out. I've asked around, and I have yet to come up with a more shocking, out-of-character, light-bulb-goes-on performance by one player against an epic defense quite like what Zach Mettenberger did completing 24-of-35 passes for 298 yards and a touchdown and no picks.
"What's this? You're wearing the shirt of the band you're going to see? " ... "LSU should move down in the polls because it has two losses." Don't be that guy.
He was too busy dealing with the latest boring chapter to the ridiculous New Orleans Saints saga ... My lobbying of Roger Goodell and the NFL to turn November into Stop Calling Johnny Manziel, Johnny Football Awareness Month fell on deaf ears. The NFL couldn't figure out how the exploit it to sell more crap.
"Thank you, Mr. Cowboy, I'll take it under advisement. Hit it again." ... USC gave up 730 yards to the Oregon offense. Savannah State gave up 682 yards to the Oklahoma State offense.
There's still that little problem of being No. 3 in a two-team race, but ... America, what more do you really need to see out of Oregon?
After years of being blasted by Duck lovers for correctly pointing out that the running game in the gimmicky offense doesn't work against elite defenses with smarts and athleticism, I have now taken up the cause for the Oregon In The BCS Championship debate.
Basically, there can't be a legitimate national champion without an SEC team in the BCS championship – there will always be a "yeah, but" component to the 2012 season if the SEC doesn't lose the spot on the throne in the title game – and now, it will be hard to accept the outcome if the Ducks go 13-0 and go to the Rose Bowl to face Nebraska.
Yeah, Oregon gave up 51 points and a bazillion yards to USC, and none of the stats mattered because the Duck offense was in complete and total control for the entire game, even when the score got to within three twice in the third quarter. The Trojans would score, everyone would get fired up, and then Oregon would go on a stone-cold scoring drive to immediately answer.
The only reason the team isn't averaging 85 points per game is because Chip Kelly is being polite – college football has never seen an offense that went through nine games against a real schedule without even the slightest blip. Yeah, Arizona stayed within range down 13-0 at halftime, but lost 49-0. This offense is working on everybody, and it's not like it's getting cheated on any drive.
No, it's not fair to judge current teams based on performances from previous squads – every team, game and season need to be evaluated on their own merits – but the problem is that we all know what's coming.
We all know that if given time to prepare, Alabama will stop the Oregon ground game, just like Auburn did in the 2011 BCS championship and just like LSU did in last year's opener. We all know that in the championship bowl games, the high-powered offense almost always loses to the brick wall defense, just like Oklahoma went cold against Florida in the 2009 BCS championship. However, that doesn't mean we all don't want to see what might happen when this attack gets its shot against the Tide, Wildcats or Irish.
"See, you know how to take the reservation. You just don't know how to hold the reservation." ... Here's the problem. To stop the Oregon running game, you need a defensive back seven, especially a whip-smart linebacking corps, that can 1) get to the ball and 2) make the stop once everyone gets there. Wisconsin had the smart, tough-tackling linebackers in the Rose Bowl, but no one could get within the same area code as the Duck runners. USC had the speedy athletes with the smarts to sniff out the plays and get around Barner, but the D didn't attack when it had the chance. Safety T.J. McDonald finished with ten tackles, but he was on roller skates when he was trying to stop Barner.
"Way to go, Lis. Why compete with someone who's just gonna kick your butt anyway?" ... It was totally lost in the shuffle because of the epic day from Barner, but Marcus Mariota outplayed Matt Barkley. Barner completed 20-of-23 passes for 304 yards and four scores, while running 15 times for 96 yards, and Barkley completed 35-of-54 passes for 484 yards and five scores and two picks.
For those of you not quite sick of discussion polling ... Oregon fans, while I'm enjoying the exploding fistbumps, when I say the Ducks are a lock to play in the BCS championship, I'm assuming that when the computer formulas are done and they take the regular season into account, that 13th game will be the tipping point. Kansas State fans, I can't make the Wildcats stay at No. 2. I'm projecting, and while you can argue all you want about who deserves to be in – there's no real fight against KSU – it's all about how the polls and rankings actually look.
At the very least, this should be a part of a three-day waiting period for anyone looking to buy a "We Are … Pissed Off" t-shirt ... The NCAA needs to add a sanction for Penn State that
every word of the Grand Jury presentment must be
read in its entirety over the loudspeakers during
halftime of home games.
"Conjugal visits? Mmmm. Not that I know of. Y'know, minimum-security prison is no picnic. I have a client in there right now. He says the trick is: kick someone's ass the first day, or become someone's bitch. Then everything will be all right. Why do you ask, anyway?." ... Home Depot, I know what you mean, and most tailgaters know what you mean, but just like HP probably didn't think it through when it chose to use the Violent Femmes "Blister in the Sun" in an ad, and others didn't really think what it meant to use Billy Idol's "Dancing With Myself," selling the idea of going to your website for cornhole just sounds
But robocalls, now THAT'S going to swing the decision ... What's goofier, someone with a lawn sign for a presidential candidate or someone defacing their car with a bumper sticker? Ooooh, look at you. You support your guy so much that you're willing to go through the pain in the butt to spend a mid-November Saturday morning scraping a decal with a razor … score!
I get the idea of putting up a sign or ad for some local office or state senator – name recognition is a big deal at the lower level – but no one in the history of voting has ever come to a decision on a presidential candidate based on something stuck in some guy's lawn.
Don't vote, boo ... It's one thing if someone needs help or assistance to go vote, but anyone who needs to be convinced or motivated to
do their civic duty should be allowed to spend the day at home playing with something shiny while watching Honey Boo Boo.
"We need a smut-free life for all of our citizens; cleaner streets, better schools, and good hockey team." ... Why can't the NHL hold its dopey Winter Classic in February? Now that it's cancelled from its normal New Year's Day spot, Nate Silver has crunched the numbers and made the Heart of Dallas a 94% favorite to be the game I completely and totally forget is happening during the early glut of January 1st bowls.
And I'm pushing for the 2015 national championship – or at least one of the playoff games - to be played in my basement. However, it might conflict with the sister-in-law coming into town. Seriously, playoff people, I'm going to need an answer on this soon or else you're not getting the guest room. … It's Week Eleven of my shameless and impossible quest to be on the committee that helps pick the playoff teams two years from now. Why do I deserve a spot? I don't. Give it up to Rich Cirminiello and the rest of those on the Eastern seaboard that got bombed back to the Stone Age by Sandy, and yet still pressed on. With everything else that's going on in the world, don't forget that a lot of people are still trying to get their world back to normal.
- Part 2 - Election Day - Breaking Down The Heisman Candidates