Cavalcade of Whimsy - Why Is ND No. 3?
Notre Dame QB Everett Golson
Notre Dame QB Everett Golson
Posted Nov 13, 2012

Why ae the Irish third? Yes, Big 12, Texas A&M is in the SEC. - This and more in the latest Cavalcade of Whimsy.

Cavalcade of Whimsy

College Football For the Handsome

E-mail Pete Fiutak
Follow us ... @ColFootballNews 

So Far ...
- Oct. 9, The two stars of the first half of the season  
- Oct. 16, The Big Play For Notre Dame  
- Oct. 23,  Is Collin Klein worth the hype?
- Oct. 30, It's USC's time to shine 
- Nov. 6, What more do you want from Oregon? 
This Week
- Part 2 - Ten Really Cool Things You Should Know
Sorry if this column sucks, it's not my fault … it would've been a lot better if Mike Leach didn't prefer to belittle, intimidate and humiliate it.

"I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries." ... I'm the Grand Marshal of the College Football Head Coaches Are Dillholes parade, and I'm guessing that former Washington State wide receiver Marquess Wilson is in probably the right, but physical, emotional and verbal abuse are all a part of the job description of any successful college football head coach. It's all a question of how each coach frames the hollering.

"Think classy, you'll be classy. If you win 20 in the show, you can let the fungus grow back and the press'll think you're colorful. Until you win 20 in the show, however, it means you are a slob." ... If you're a screamy coach and your team is ranked in the top 15 and in the hunt for a conference title on a consistent basis, you're a character. You're a man of conviction. You're a molder of men. If you're a screamy coach and you're 2-8 and on a seven-game losing streak, you're an abusive bully.

"Uma meet Oprah. Oprah, Uma... Uma, Oprah..." ... Petrino meet Petraeus. Petraeus, Petrino ... Petrino, Petraeus ...

Access Bowl sounds like some sort of offshoot of The Chew ... Seriously, college football, why do you choose to hurt us so when all we want to do is give you love? Just when we're finally on the verge of ditching the BCS, now a daily part of our lives will revolve around the fight for teams searching for a bid to an "access" bowl. Welcome to the new catch-word in the playoff era.

"You're going back to the front, my friend. You may get shot, and you may get killed, but you're going up to the fighting. Either that, or I'm going to stand you up in front of a firing squad. I ought to shoot you myself, you (bleep)-(bleep)... bastard! Get him out of here!" ... Tommy, you can send a guy into a game with a broken bone. You can look the other way when a top player is a bit woozy during an important stretch. You can run make an entire team run until everyone is vomiting his guts out. You can look a mother in the eye and swear that you'll take care of her son, watch as his neck is immobilized as he's carted off on a stretcher, and call a play 27 seconds later. Just don't bonk an assistant coach upside the head.

"Now, my (bleep), I'll take the Pepsi challenge with that Amsterdam (bleep), any day of the (bleep)in' week. ...

Team A - Unbeaten with seven of the ten wins coming over teams certain to go bowling, and two of the other three games came against teams with the potential to go bowling.
Team B - Unbeaten with seven of the ten wins coming over teams almost certain to go bowling, but the three other games came against teams with no chance of going to the post-season.

Team A - Win over Team X came on the road by 17 and win over Team Y came on a neutral site by 38.
Team B - Win over Team X came on the road by five and win over Team Y came at home by 39.

Team A - The two best wins came over teams currently ranked in the top 13, and if Team A goes 12-0, it will have beaten four teams ranked in the top 25.
Team B – One win over a team currently ranked in the top 13. The second best win came over a team ranked 23rd. If Team B goes 12-0, it will have beaten four teams currently ranked in the top 25.

Team A - Although it's highly unlikely, if Team A goes 12-0, four of the wins could come against teams that will play in their respective conference championships.
Team B - Although it's highly unlikely, if Team B goes 12-0, four of the wins could come against teams that will play in their respective conference championships.

Team A - There are no games against FCS teams. The weakest victory came against a team from the ACC. Other than one game against an independent, no other games are against any teams outside of the BCS.
Team B – One win came over an FCS team. It's the team's weakest victory. The second-weakest win came against a team from the Sun Belt.

Please, explain exactly why Team A deserves to be ranked two spots behind Team B?

Please, explain exactly why Notre Dame deserves to be ranked No. 3 behind No. 1 Kansas State?

And no, you don't get to gloat if Nebraska wins the Big Ten championship, either ... No, Big 12 fans, you don't get any credit if your girlfriend turns hot after she dumps you.

No, Big 12 fans, you can't claim Texas A&M as your own, and no you can't use A&M's win over Alabama as any reason or rationale for why Kansas State deserves any extra morsel of respect for being unbeaten.

Yes, Texas A&M played in the Big 12 last year, but that's as far as it goes. The Aggies have a new head coach and a different starting quarterback. And there's one other minor issue …


The SEC has six teams ranked in the top nine of the BCS. Please, let that sink in.

The Big 12 has five teams ranked in the BCS top 25, but Texas Tech and Oklahoma State don't really count at No. 23 and No. 24 – beating TCU and West Virginia don't qualify as anything special. No. 12 Oklahoma's big victory this was against Texas, who's best win this year was either over Oklahoma State or Ole Miss.


It's the point that Kansas Stateheads just aren't getting. The Wildcats could absolutely beat Alabama, but no, they couldn't beat Alabama AND LSU AND Florida AND Texas A&M.

And then, all of a sudden, the Wildcats realized they weren't that bad ... By the way, it has been easily blown off, but Missouri State - Kansas State was 9-9 late in the third quarter before the floodgates opened up wide. It was 24-21 over Iowa State before a late field goal in the final five minutes.

"Oh, good morning, my darling. Oh, your buds are getting so big. Soon you'll need a training bra." ... Things are starting to change after this latest election cycle. Whether you agree with it or not, some states have legalized gay marriage. Some states have legalized marijuana. Yes, things are changing, and considering the state of the economy, there's absolutely no excuse to not benefitting from the billions upon billions of dollars of revenue that could be generated from legalized Internet gaming. If you can make a stock trade on-line, in the year 2012, you should be able to place a legal wager on Ohio +4.5.

"I joined the Army because my father and my brother were in the Army. I thought I'd better join before I got drafted." ... When is People Who Work At A Job They Don't Really Like So Their Family Can Keep Their Health Insurance Awareness Month happening?

How about the Salute To Darn Nice Guys Who Aren't Getting Any?

What kind of a ribbon should we wear to honor Overworked Dads Who Help Out With The Cooking?

I'm absolutely not making light of the efforts by the football world to salute the veterans, and I'm certainly not mocking anything that helps fight breast cancer, but the nonstop honoring and the contrived gushing happening all the time is coming across as just so … so … so ... marketed.

It's this simple. If there's profit being generated in any way for anything but the cause, it's wrong.

Just remember, any time there's an advertisement with a soldier in it; and every time some company is saying it'll donate proceeds to some charity if you buy their crap; and every time a sport is pumping up the troops to generate better PR for themselves; and every Call of Seizure video game that's promoted with the release date conveniently tied in to Veterans Day; and every time a sport is taking any part of the proceeds from selling pink things with logos on it; they're using a good cause to in some way, shape or form to make more money for themselves.

" You want to know what it takes to sell real estate? It takes brass balls to sell real estate.". ... Back by popular demand, and for good reason, your 2012 Alex Neutz tracker! The Buffalo junior is having a whale of a season catching 50 passes for 847 yards and a ten scores, highlighted by last week's nine-catch, 140-yard afternoon against Western Michigan including the game-winning scoring grab in the fourth.

And I'm pushing for the 2015 national championship – or at least one of the playoff games - to be played in my basement. The new hot water heater is coming next week. Showers no longer have to be limited to four minutes. … It's Week Twelve of my shameless and impossible quest to be on the committee that helps pick the playoff teams two years from now. Why do I deserve a spot? After fighting back the anti-SEC rhetoric for the last 48 hours, no one is more used to being abused by college football fans for stating the obvious – controversial stance: the SEC is pretty good – while still being able to write a goofy column.

- Part 2 - Ten Really Cool Things You Should Know