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Posted Sep 10, 2013


Cavalcade of Whimsy, Part 2 - Ten reasons to be grouchy this week

Cavalcade of Whimsy

Part 2, Sept. 10, 2013

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- Sept. 10 - Trying To Quit Texas 

The C.O.W. airing of the grievances followed by the feats of strength
The ten reasons I’m grouchy …

10. The American Athletic Conference, Louisville and You
I’ll get into this more in depth next week, but how are we supposed to take Louisville seriously in any way coming from the new American Athletic Conference? The refurbished Big East has gone 7-8 in non-conference play so far with four of those wins coming against FCSers and two of the losses – Towson over Connecticut and McNeese State over South Florida – as embarrassing as any blowout in the opening frame. The best win so far was Cincinnati over a miserable Purdue team, and all the excitement over that went bye-bye on Saturday in a blowout loss to Illinois. Quarterback Munchie Legaux is out for the year, while Rutgers’ hopes for a dream season are also gone after losing an overtime heartbreaker to Fresno State in the opener. All that’s left among the unbeatens to push Louisville are UCF and Houston.

9. E-Cigarettes
I’ve smoked exactly two regular cigarettes in my life. The first was part of a Halloween costume/bit, and the other was at a Michigan State football game in a 33-degree rainstorm when I was desperate to put anything associated with warmth or fire into my body. It’s 2013, and now we all know that smoking a cigarette is just about the dumbest thing you can possibly do. You can get emphysema, lung cancer, and a whole slew of other health problems, but at least smoking looks really, really cool. Smoking an e-cigarette is like riding a Ducati while wearing a Hello Kitty helmet.

8. FCS games
Enough with the whole FCS thing. Yes, the FCS was able to rise up and be a pain for a little bit in Corvallis, Manhattan and San Diego in Week One, but reality hit and hit hard in the second week. How did the FCS do in Week Two? 31-3, and those three losses were Maine over UMass, Nicholls State over Western Michigan and Chattanooga over Georgia State – those barely count. Take those three out, and the FBS beat the FCS by a combined score of 1,230 to 409, or roughly an average of 40-13.

7. Famous Jameis
It’s fine for right now, and it’ll be okay for most of this year, but the guy is just a freshman and he’s very, very good. With his skill set and his upside and makeup, that means Jameis Winston is probably going to be a major part of our lives for the next 12-to-15 years, so this has to stop and it has to stop right now. No more Famous Jameis. No Fam Jam, no FJ, no F-Jizzy, and for the love of Charlie Ward, no Famoso Diego. However, J-Win and Jameis Football are each acceptable. For now.

6. “Happy wife, happy life.”
So in order to have any peace, calm and freedom from the domestic terrorist that you chose to spend the rest of your life with, you have to give in to every demand, every whim and every argument, no matter how unreasonable?

Make sure the toilet seat is down at all times … happy wife, happy life! See that movie with Ryan Gosling, and not the cool one in the pines with Bradley Cooper … happy wife, happy life! Go antiquing and apple picking on a fall Saturday, choose the SUV with the third row of seats, free the Asian Dawn movement and the seven members of the New Provo Front … happy wife, happy life!

Look, men – and I use that term loosely – it’s okay to stand up to these people. What’s your wife going to do, file for divorce if you boil the kale instead of steam it? Not give you the good smoochies if you choose to play 18 instead of nine?

Watch football while eating a roast beef sub, happy life.

5. Whining about tackling
Now with all the focus on targeting and protecting players from concussions and blows to the head, defenders are going low to avoid the penalties, and in the NFL, the fines. Defensive players, you don’t have to dive at the knees and you don’t need to go for the kill shot at the head. It’s actually possible to tackle without doing either one, and the players will figure it out. The NFL guys did – not every tackle results in a skull thump – and the college guys will, too. The game needs to stay ultra-violent, and I don’t have a problem with the players destroying their bodies and their lives if they don’t care, but just form tackle. At the end of the day, yeah, if a defender misses a stop and the receiver gets an extra few yards, but keeps his knees and a few more brain cells, of course it’s worth it. Wrap up.

4. Paying for Sunday Ticket when all I want is RedZone
Because of the playoff system and the emphasis on the post-season, there’s almost no need to sit through an entire NFL game from rooter to tooter, unless you want to kick back and watch the theater. On the flip side, it’s absolutely impossible to turn away from the NFL RedZone, and now, because of it there are two types of football fans. There are those who have seen the RedZone channel once, and can never go back to life as they knew it before, and there are those who haven’t. I can’t go back, I won’t go back. However, I can only get it by paying for some package that gives me every single game that I’ll never, ever watch. The marketing worked, and I’m held hostage, but you’re creating ill-will, NFL and DirecTV. The second I have another viable option, I’m out.

3. Florida
I’m tired of making excuses for Florida, but I’m going to keep on doing it until everyone gets this team right. The system works. The defense absolutely stoned Miami. The special teams have been good over the years, and the pounding running game destroys teams and takes away their will. While Jeff Driskel doesn’t throw a good deep ball, his job is to move the chains by any means necessary. He controls the clock, the team controls time of possession, and the results are usually good, however, the machine breaks down when 1) Will Muschamp gets quirky, like he did going for two unnecessarily after the Gators’ first touchdown, and 2) Driskel starts throwing mind-numbing interceptions. Just because the offense isn’t fun and gun, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t work, and just because the team melted down and gagged away the Miami game, don’t count it out in the SEC chase.

2. Katherine Webb
With the Alabama-Texas A&M game upon us, we’re sure to get all sorts of quirky comparisons from bloggy-type sites between the girls that Johnny Manziel has dated and AJ McCarron’s girlfriend, Katherine Webb, who has done a brilliant job of parlaying a goofy rant from Brent Musburger into a nice life of commercials and trying on swimsuits. Yes, she’s very lovely, and she appears to have done a sit-up, but she’s an attractive woman. That’s it. Fortunately for mankind, there’s a plentiful supply of world’s greatest natural resource in all shapes and sizes, with an abundance at just about every SEC school. Come on, America, you can see a hot girl any time you want. Act like you’ve been there before.

1. Paid vs. Salaried
It’s not about whether or not college athletes should be paid; it’s about whether or not they should be allowed to take money. Big difference. The debate has to be more focused since there are two different things at play.

If you want college football players to be paid, or think they should be paid a salary of some sort, then you’re suggesting the schools, conferences, and perhaps the NCAA, should a way to create a budget devoted to giving student-athletes money as compensation for the revenue they’re generating. That means, though, that both men and women athletes need to be paid no matter how good they are and what kind of revenue they generate.

If you think Johnny Manziel, and others, should be allowed to take money for their autographs, memorabilia, or because it’s a Tuesday, that’s another argument. Now you’re trying to make a case for players to be able to take benefits, and it might not have anything to do with the schools themselves.

They’re both worthwhile debates, but just know what you want before you fight for it.

Random Acts of Nutty … Provocative musings and tidbits to make every woman want you and every man want to be you (or vice versa) a.k.a. things I didn’t feel like writing bigger blurbs for.

- Granted, it’s not fair to judge anything done against Savannah State, but Troy senior quarterback Corey Robinson has started out the season on an epic tear. He kicked off the year connecting on an NCAA-record 30-of-32 passes against UAB for 319 yards and a touchdown, and he followed it up this week by hitting 17-of-19 throws for 180 yards and four scores. That means, on the year, he has completed 47-of-51 passes – 92% - for 499 yards and five touchdowns. Arkansas State is up next.

- Granted, it’s not fair to judge anything done against Tennessee Tech, but Wisconsin cranked out three 100-yard rushers. Corey Clemens ran for 149 yards and two scores on just 13 carries, Melvin Gordon ran nine times for 140 yards and a score, and James White ran 22 times for 109 yards and a touchdown. This is coming off a nice day for the ground game against UMass. In the 45-0 win, Gordon ran for 144 yards and a touchdown on 13 carries, White ran for 132 yards and a touchdown on 11 carries, and Clement an 16 times for 101 yards and a score.

- I asked this last week with Clemson coming down the hill; has anyone ever been seriously injured jumping up and hitting the Michigan Go Blue sign?

C.O.W. shameless gimmick item … The weekly five Overrated/Underrated aspects of the world
1) Overrated: Colorado 2-0 … Underrated: Utah 2-0
2) Overrated: Desmond Howard … Underrated: Jeremy Gallon
3) Overrated: Philadelphia-Washington ... Underrated: Nadal-Djokovic
4) Overrated: Cody Kessler or Max Wittek as a quarterback option ... Underrated: Death
5) Overrated: Kenny Guiton for Braxton Miller ... Underrated: Blake Bell for Trevor Knight

Clark: “What can I do with five dollars?” Dealer: “Gee, I don't know. Buy a bullet and rent a gun?”

UGH. I hate Week 2. I’d still take Florida -3 over Miami any day of the week. Supersized again to chase and get back among the living ... 1) Rutgers -27.5 over Eastern Michigan
2) Stanford -28.5 over Army
3) Maryland -7 over Connecticut
4) Wake Forest -3.5 over ULM
5) Nevada +32 over Florida State (FSU SU)
6) Northern Illinois -28 over Idaho
7) Notre Dame -20.5 over Purdue
8) Wisconsin +5.5 over Arizona State
- Record So Far: 4-4 SU, ATS 2-6

Sorry this column sucked, it wasn’t my fault … South Carolina assistant coaches Kirk Botkin and Deke Adams couldn’t agree on the direction of the column. It was caught on camera.  
 
- Sept. 10 - Trying To Quit Texas