Cavalcade of Whimsy - Playoff Party Crashers

Campus Insiders & CFN
Posted Oct 22, 2013

Clemson's start, Grambling, and crashing the playoff committee, in the latest Cavalcade of Whimsy

Cavalcade of Whimsy

Oct. 22, Part 1

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- August 27 - Kickoff Cavalcade | Sept. 3 - Enter Jameis Winston 
- Sept. 10 - Trying To Quit Texas | Sept. 17 - Trying To Help The NCAA
- Sept. 24 - Cupcake Saturday Fiasco | Oct. 1 - The Lane Kiffin Aftermath
- Oct. 8 - Cavalcade of Condi | -  Oct. 15 - The Midseason With The QB

Cavalcade of Whimsy - Oct. 22
- Part 2 - Predicting the 2nd half of the non-BCS & AAC season 
- Part 3 - Predicting the 2nd half of the BCS league seasons 

Sorry if this column sucks, it's not my fault … Grambling's football players didn't like the conditions it was written in, so they chose to boycott the game against Jackson State.

And thus ends the last time we'll ever hear of Grambling football ever again ... Grambling, why do you need a football team? A university needs athletics like a fish needs a bicycle, and for all the talk about how a sports program brings in a better class of students and unites the alumni – which is all true – it's not worth it if you can't afford it. I'm almost certain there's an English professor or a head of some part of the physics department at Grambling who could make far better use of funds and resources than a football program – as proud as it is – that obviously can't afford the basics.

"You can have my answer now, if you like. My final offer is this: nothing. Not even the fee for the gaming license, which I would appreciate if you would put up personally." ... Just wait, America. If you think you're confused now, just wait until a team – a really good team – walks out because it wants to get paid. That cause is every bit as legitimate, if not more so, than Grambling's.

"Well, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated in front of a large group of people and have to walk out in shame with your tail between your legs." ... Shockingly, I wasn't chosen to be a part of your 2014 College Football Playoff committee. I could fight this with conventional weapons, but that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part.

I just show up.

At the end of the day, I'd probably end up picking the same four teams as everyone else, but I still want to be a part of the fun. So my idea is to go to the meeting next year and walk in like Al Czervik taking over a country club function. I'm guessing it'll go a little something like this.

"Hey! Bill Hancock – my man with a name, not a condition – I'm sure you know Chairman Long. Get married and hyphenate and you'll give the rest of the room a complex, okayyyy … Yo! Alvarez. I got Bielema on Line 2 for you – something about pulling a Shelley Long and seeing if you actually like this Andersen guyyyyyy, Haden! Man, easy on that shrimp. We don't want you getting one of your third quarter gut feelings and leave Orgeron off the bus. Am I right or am I right? Am I right? Right. Right. Rrrrrrrr … CON-DAY! How's it hangin? Oooh, what's that? Over there … ooooh, I could be wrong, but I think I found one of those weapons of mass destruction things by the Ladyfingers. Oh, my bad. It's just Osborne locking something away I'm JOKING! I kid because I love too much. Here. Try the rumaki, it's fabulous. Look, Tom Jernstedt, I'm not going to bull(bleep) you, because it's a waste of time and then it just becomes, like, that THING. I don't know you. I don't know your work, but I think you are a very talented young man and I'm never wrong about these things, excuse me, waiter? Could I have anotherrrr Cointreau and sodee? And could you send an almond torte to Mr. Willingham there in the white suit over in the corner? Oh, hey! Oliver and Archie. Who has two thumbs and as many Heismans your fancy, schmancy Hall of Fame quarterback sons? THIS GUY, excuse me. Mister Tranghese, the ACC called, it wanted to let you know that Miami, Boston College, Virginia Tech, Pitt and Syracuse are all doing just fine, there's no need to worry, and … hey … get your hands off me … I can show myself out, there's no need for (ooof) not the face … NOT THE FACE … "

I'm picturing the scene in Casino when they wheel in all the old dons as they're hooked up to IVs and respirators ... Average age of the 13 members of your 2014 College Football Playoff committee? 94.2.

It could be worse. They could rank Louisville ahead of UCF, like the Harris and Coaches' polls did ... Just because you keep saying the members of College Football Playoff committee have integrity, that doesn't mean they can name two players on UCF.

39 days since … the Yahoo sports allegations against D.J. Fluker, Tyler Bray, Maurice Couch, Fletcher Cox and Chad Bumphis, along with the Sports Illustrated allegations against Oklahoma State.

How much do NCAA sanctions really hurt? Ask Ohio State vs. Oregon in either the BCS championship or the Rose Bowl ...
Don't get me wrong, I have no interest in seeing any of the schools get blasted for these silly transgressions that shouldn't be transgressions, but really, what's happening with this?

Everyone is gushing over Tennessee and its great win over South Carolina, and the prevailing thought is that everything is on the right track under Butch Jones, but doesn't being on this NCAA double-weird probation thing mean that you get blown out of the water if you get caught for anything? There's absolutely no fear at Alabama – and I mean zero – of anything coming out of the allegations against Fluker, even if they're all true. There's nothing more than a yawn from Mississippi State, and Oklahoma State is more worried about figuring out its quarterback situation than anything that came from Sports Illustrated a few weeks back.

It could be worse. He could be in the NFL and get a FedEx with a notice for a $50,000 fine ... Ohio State fans, why were/are you fighting with me about Bradley Roby getting chuckwagoned for his illegal hit on Iowa tight end C.J. Fiedorowicz? First of all, it's not my rule.

Rule 9-1-4. No player shall target and initiate contact to the head or neck area of a defenseless opponent with the helmet, forearm, fist, elbow or shoulder. When in question, it is a foul.

Don't get mad at me for pointing out that Roby launched himself and clocked Fiedorowicz's face with his helmet – and he did hit his face with his helmet – even if he didn't intend to fire up a blow to the head. Officials don't want to kick out player, and replay is doing a great job of overturning several of the on-field ejection calls – the one on Georgia's Ray Drew against Vanderbilt was absolutely ridiculous. Roby's hit held up upon review, and with ease.

Second, be smarter. Yes, running backs hit with their helmet and yes, linemen bash helmets all the time. It doesn't matter. You can't hit a defenseless receiver in the head. Ever. Even if you didn't mean to. And third, Captain Macho, why do you feel so offended about the rule? You can't enjoy tackle football – it's not going to turn into flag football; don't slippery-slope this – without players suffering massive brain trauma?

Because Florida State knows nothing about showy entrances and wacky traditions to start a football game ... Clemson, if you're going to do that dopey ride the bus around the stadium thing, and that really cool run down the hill in a patellar dislocation waiting to happen moment, don't get lit up in the first five minutes. While you were busy with your pomp and circumstance, Mr. Winston was about to conduct a business transaction.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT" ... If you have to tell your fans in advance to be loud, you shouldn't be allowed to hold any sort of a record. Kansas City just forced itself to own some ridiculous world record for the loudest stadium, and now it's just a question of time before colleges try to beat it. It's sort of like setting the record for the most pass attempts in a game by throwing when the game is well out of reach – Mike Leach. Records only mean something if they're accomplished within the normal action of the game. Either fans are legitimate pumped up, or it's just all a contrived way to injure someone's ears.

I'm double fisted and you empty you can grab a cup/ Boy stop, I'm just playin, let me dap you up ... I prefer offenses that can pound away with the ground game more than those with a tippy-tappy gimmick, but America, it's time to eliminate the phrase Big Boy Football, and the derivative, Grown Man Football. Use that line, and then the implication is that Oregon plays Colossal Wuss Football, since it doesn't line up and blast away with its offensive line. Or how about Ohio State, who plays Kiddy Table Football in the first half, and then grows up to play Big Boy Football by beating people up in the second? Just say the offensive line is physical - without using the word physicality - and leave it at that.

Click here and bypass the whole NFL machine ... The NFL seems to have Breast Cancer Awareness Month covered. Forgetting for a moment that the NFL is using this as a marketing effort to attract women, and trying to ignore that it profits off the cause, with a miniscule percentage of the funds raised going towards fighting the problem, it's still obviously important, and not just in a "if it saves one life" way. College football, find something else. Find a different effort and a desperate cause that can help save lives.

Cavalcade of Whimsy - Oct. 22  
- Part 2 - Predicting the 2nd half of the non-BCS & AAC season 
- Part 3 - Predicting the 2nd half of the BCS league seasons