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The College Football Fan Bill Of Rights

Campus Insiders & CFN
Posted Oct 29, 2013


Cavalcade of Whimsy, Part 2. Can fans leave early? What to wear, how to act and more.

Cavalcade of Whimsy

October 29, Part 2

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Cavalcade of Whimsy - Oct. 29
- Part 2 - Mizzou Aftermath, & Could BCS Be A Playoff?  

The C.O.W. airing of the grievances followed by the feats of strength
After Nick Saban’s weird and whiny rant about students leaving early, it’s time for someone to step in and stick up for the fans. However, the other side needs to be heard, too. So as the arbitrator between the two sides, here’s the official College Sports Fan Bill of Rights so the two parties can move on in peace.

AMENDMENT I
Fans are allowed to leave whenever they wish.
You don’t have to raise your hands in the air and wave them like you just don’t care. No, it’s their job to entertain you, and if you’re bored, or you want to beat traffic, or you have to go study for that Advanced Basketweaving midterm, then you go right ahead and leave whenever you darn-well please. You paid for the ticket, or even if you didn’t, you can do what you want. This isn’t Russia. Is this Russia?
However
Fans, you have to show up to the garbage games, too. Anyone can get pumped up for the big rivalry game, or the showdown against the top five powerhouse, but what about the cupcake FCS date? Your school is trying to give you a win to enjoy – the lake has been stocked for your enjoyment. If you’re a fan, you should live for the pure football porn of seeing your team roll up a 52-0 lead. And then you can leave early if you’d like.

AMENDMENT II
Fans are allowed and encouraged to make their favorite team their passion as well as their hobby. They can/should put decals on their car, display posters and memorabilia at work, and proudly fly the flag outside of their house or double-wide.
However
Fan, you caring about your favorite team doesn’t matter in any way, shape or form to the team’s success. If you’re reading this right now, you’re the most important person in the history of the planet, but unless you let your friends call you T. Boone, or you make your global empire corporation outfit the team with different uniform combinations every week, you’re immaterial. No, your vote doesn’t actually count, that one plastic bottle you threw in the green bin instead of the blue isn’t going to cool the planet, it doesn’t happen to every guy, and you, as a singular fan, don’t make a lick of difference. Your favorite team probably started playing football in the 1800s, or at least the early 1900s, and it’ll still be playing for a long, long time – or until soccer takes over as the national sport after all the moms stop letting their kids play football. The 12th Man doesn’t affect a game, the 12th Men do.

AMENDMENT III
Fans are allowed and encouraged to watch a game no matter what. There are only 12 of these precious moments a year, 13 in a good season, 14 in a great one. If there’s a conflict, and an unavoidable social function has been scheduled at the same time as kickoff, the fan is allowed to use any means necessary to watch the game on a phone and/or on the TV at the bar/restaurant in the lobby. OR, if the fan is recording the game and planning on watching it later, anyone caught giving an unsolicited update or a final score must be destroyed with great vengeance and furious anger.
However
Fans aren’t allowed to miss the social functions that are actually important. Blowing off your daughter’s wedding to attend an Alabama game doesn't make you a fan, it makes you sad and pathetic.

AMENDMENT IV
Fans are encouraged to wear school colors and tasteful paraphernalia.
However
It’s never, ever allowed to wear gear or colors from two different teams, even if they cross sports. Example: Seattle Mariners hat with a USC Trojans jersey. Also, male fans over the age of 25 aren’t allowed to wear jerseys of current players, and they’re never, under any circumstances, allowed to wear jerseys with iconic numbers and their own last name sewn in. Example: Florida 15 jersey that says Rubenstein on the back. Face-painting is only allowed in the student section.

However

AMENDMENT V
Fans, no matter what the age, are allowed to wear whatever is necessary to ensure their team’s success on the day of a truly big game. Yes, your lucky Texas socks really do work.
However
You’re not allowed to tell anyone about your lucky item of clothing, or else it loses all of its powers. Also, if a fan over 25 must wear a jersey, it has to either have a generic number with no name, or it has to represent a former player older than the person wearing it. Of course, this really only applies to old, puffy men. Women, wear anything sports related and paint any part of your bodies you deem necessary or fun. Please.

AMENDMENT VI
Fans are allowed and encouraged to discuss their favorite school and team on sports radio shows, internet chats or other forms of social media whenever they wish.
However
Fans are never, ever, EVER allowed to use the word “we” when referring to the favorite school or team unless 1) a fan’s son is actually on the team, 2) a fan receives a paycheck from the university for duties performed pertaining to the football program, and/or 3) a fan is giving money directly to the players. “We” play Candy Crush in our cubicles while pretending to be working on the daily TPS reports. The Ohio State Buckeyes beat Penn State last weekend.

AMENDMENT VII
Fans are allowed and expected to be in a really, really bad, “don’t talk to me” mood after a devastating loss.
However
Fans have to let it go, to a point, after 24 hours. Disappointment is allowed after that time period, but it isn’t okay to be surly and pouty. You didn’t lose; the UCLA Bruins did. In fact, they already started gameplanning for Colorado while you were still stewing.

AMENDMENT VIII
Fans are supposed to be biased towards their own football program and school, and they’re encouraged to feel all tingly while shedding a solitary yet manly tear when the fight song is played or the signature tradition is followed.
However
Fans aren’t allowed to be mad when everyone else on the planet 1) points out that their corrupt program – if it is, in fact, corrupt – is cheating, 2) dogs the fight song for being weak - if it is, in fact, weak – and 3) openly mocks the signature tradition for being sort of dopey.

AMENDMENT IX
Fans of FBS programs are allowed to boo lustily and show their displeasure for poor play.
They might be kids, but they’re compensated kids there to do a job. You’re paying lots and LOTS of money now to go to the game, and while they’re giving it the old college try, if they’re not focused or playing up to their capabilities, it is well within your rights to take out your frustrations and pent-up anger at your boss/wife/boyfriend/life/all of the above on the receiver who missed a key block.
However
Fans aren’t allowed to make it personal. Boo a player when he makes a dumb mistake, and boo a team that left its game back on the bus, but never, ever, under any circumstances is it okay to get truly mean or nasty to a player by twitter or any other form of social media. A coach getting paid millions of dollars is another story.

AMENDMENT X
Fans are supposed to have fun. Period. That means they’re supposed to take breaks from their daily lives to escape by reading, watching, listening and discussing college football. That means they’re supposed to tailgate, meet with friends to watch games, and, if possible, make it a joyful part of their lives every fall.
However
Fans must always remember that it’s a game. Period. Fans are no better or worse off in life because a bunch of 18-to-22-year-olds are better or worse than another bunch of 18-to-22-year olds on a given day.

You’re not a fan if anything related to college football leads to violence – other than what’s happening on the field, cyber-bullying, profanity – outside of the random expletive at a bad play, or brings any sort of loss of perspective on what’s really right and wrong – especially if it involves a “culture.”

Random Acts of Nutty … Provocative musings and tidbits to make every woman want you and every man want to be you (or vice versa) a.k.a. things I didn’t feel like writing bigger blurbs for.

- Big Ten fans, I keep saying this and you don’t want to believe me, but no, you’re not getting a second team into the BCS unless Fresno State and Northern Illinois lose.

- The AAC is a BCS automatic league. UCF is in if it wins the league title. I have to point this out way too often.

- BYU already settled for its automatic tie-in with the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl, but did it take the invite too soon? Even with close losses to Virginia and Utah, if the Cougars close out with wins at Wisconsin and Notre Dame, to go along with a blowout of Texas and victories over Houston – who could end up winning the AAC – Boise State – who could end up winning the Mountain West and Georgia Tech, they’ll have won nine in a row and have a relatively decent 10-2 BCS at-large résumé.

- I want Michigan State vs. Ohio State in the Big Ten championship. Even more, I want Michigan State’s defense vs. Oregon’s offense in the Rose Bowl.

C.O.W. shameless gimmick item … The weekly five Overrated/Underrated aspects of the world
1) Overrated: UCF … Underrated: Houston
2) Overrated: Obstruction … Underrated: Leaving first base open and not walking the batter with men on 2nd and 3rd with one out.
3) Overrated: Duke vs. Virginia Tech ... Underrated: Duke Johnson
4) Overrated: Buffalo’s win streak ... Underrated: Toledo over Bowling Green
5) Overrated: All the new bowl games coming next year ... Underrated: Tulane, Duke, Minnesota being bowl eligible before Halloween

“If it were me, I'd bet everything. But that's me. I'm an aggressive gambler. Mr. Vegas. Come on. Go for it. Go for it. Yes, yes, there we go. I'm in.” … I actually am going to Vegas and I’ll be hanging out in a sportsbook at the Venetian when I’m not out working the San Jose State-UNLV game. It’s that time of year when I’m in love with the DDHD – the double-digit home dog – in conference play. However, there are some I just can’t do – like Clemson just -17 over bad Virginia or NIU just -23 over UMass. I’m a dog man this week overall, soooooo ….

1) Washington State +11.5 over Arizona State (ASU SU)
2) Georgia State +19.5 over WKU (WKU SU)
3) California +16 over Arizona (AZ SU)
4) Miami +21.5 over Florida State (FSU SU)
5) Iowa +9.5 over Wisconsin (UW SU)
6) Purdue +32 over Ohio State (OSU SU)
7) Idaho +10 over Texas State
8) FIU +20.5 over East Carolina (ECU SU)
9) Mississippi State +13 over South Carolina (USC SU)
- Record So Far: 22-9 SU, 18-13 ATS

Sorry this column sucked, it wasn’t my fault … I turned off Tennessee-Alabama after the first quarter, and Saban yelled at me.

Cavalcade of Whimsy - Oct. 29
- Part 2 - Mizzou Aftermath, & Could BCS Be A Playoff?