Cavalcade of Whimsy
Nov. 12, Part 1
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August 27 - Kickoff Cavalcade |
Sept. 3 - Enter Jameis Winston
Sept. 10 - Trying To Quit Texas |
Sept. 17 - Trying To Help The NCAA
Sept. 24 - Cupcake Saturday Fiasco | Oct. 1
- The Lane Kiffin Aftermath
- Oct. 8
- Cavalcade of Condi |
Oct. 15 - The Midseason With The QB
Oct. 22 - Fiu crashing the committee |
Nov 5 - The Fan Bill of Rights
- Nov. 5 - Really, what did Ohio State do wrong?
Cavalcade of Whimsy - Nov. 12
- Part 2 - The Ten Heisman Contenders
Sorry if this column sucks, it's not my fault … it was full of "wholly inappropriate language," and so now I'm no longer the head football coach at Eastern Michigan University.
"ENGLISH, Motherf***er, Do you speak it?' … Of course, if I was 46-11 instead of 11-46, me thinks that "language" would've been somehow spun into "colorful" instead of "unacceptable."
60 days since … the Yahoo sports allegations against D.J. Fluker, Tyler Bray, Maurice Couch, Fletcher Cox and Chad Bumphis, along with the Sports Illustrated allegations against Oklahoma State.
"No matter how big a splash you make in this world whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber or a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives a (bleep)." ... If Ohio State was 8-0 and cranking out 686 yards per game while outscoring everyone by an average score of 61 to 15, it would be No. 2 in the latest BCS standings. If Texas came up with those numbers after beating Oklahoma 41-12, Florida State would be No. 3 and Ohio State four.
If Nick Saban was the Texas head football coach ... the West Virginia game wouldn't have gone into overtime. Saban would've literally killed time with a roundhouse kick, and the game would've simply been over.
Saban didn't care when he jumped into her man's arms, but she wouldn't let her make-up get smudged with a post-game smooch ... Katherine Webb is getting paid for doing endorsement deals because she's AJ McCarron's girlfriend. AJ McCarron can't do endorsement deals at all. Players, there's your argument.
If Nick Saban became the Texas head football coach ... against Oklahoma, the Cotton Bowl would still be divided into two sides. Fans clad in burnt orange on one side, fans clad in burnt orange on the other.
All those who'd want to try filling these shoes in Tuscaloosa, raise your hand ... Lost in all of this Saban-to-Texas-trial-balloon-rumor nonsense is that Mack Brown might be taking his team to the Fiesta Bowl. While the Longhorns might not be in the national title discussion, they're right there in the Big 12 title picture after a lousy start. That means it's time for Alabama to play America's favorite game – How Dumb ARE You?
The Texas job isn't actually open, and it won't be unless Brown decides to bolt. Saban, the ultimate control freak, would never, ever allow any sort of a job status rumor be uttered by anyone, much less his agent, Jimmy Sexton, without an angle.
Alabama, this … is … a … money grab.
Unless he's pulling a Pete Carroll and thinks the potential is there for something weird from the NCAA to ruin everyone's fun, Saban isn't going anywhere.
He already makes well over $5 million a year, but now everyone can talk about how he needs a new challenge. Alabama people will scream, sports radio stations will cry about recruiting, and then BAM – or BAMA – here comes the $7 million salary and the "I'm committed for life" press conference along with the "I don't pay attention to those rumors" growl accompanied by the "can I go back to work now?" look.
If Nick Saban became the Texas head football coach ... Jim Delany would meekly check to see if Texas had any interest in joining the Big Ten, Saban would deliver a roundhouse kick, and just like that, the Big 12 would have 12 teams and the Big Ten ten. And Delany would no longer be bald.
"Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you gentlemen, but you seem to
have me confused with a character in a fictional show. Now,
if you'll excuse me, my fondue is just about ..." ... As soon as you hear anyone say, "I know the Heisman isn't supposed to be a career award, but …" you know anything that's coming next is going to be profoundly stupid.
If Nick Saban became the Texas head football coach ... the official Texas athletic department web site would be in charge of handling the affordable care act, and it would work without a glitch.
"Chill, Winston, it's me. Charlie knows it's me. What's the problem?" ... What time does the Heisman Trophy presentation start? What time can Mr. Winston show up?
First of all, let's all stop this Johnny Manziel for Heisman thing before it really starts. He could light up LSU and Missouri like a Christmas tree, and he probably will, but there's no way, no how, no chance that J. Paul Prolate Spheroid will be handed the ultimate honor of being the second two-time winner. I have a vote, and I have no problems whatsoever giving him the top spot if he's The Guy – I still win on the argument that Tebow deserved a second one - but there's too much of a backlash, too much of a back story, and too much baggage to make him a true immortal.
And that's the problem. There's no one else who really deserves to be in the conversation other than Manziel and Jameis Winston, so now we get into the silly season as people look to create a Heisman race that isn't there.
Which is why AJ McCarron is now in the spotlight.
It's the Ken Dorsey argument all over again.
Alabama isn't about to win its third national title in a row because of AJ McCarron; Alabama is about to win its third national title in a row because it's much, much better at playing college football than everyone else.
Yes, you actually can put just about any quarterback with mid-to-upper level talent behind an NFL offensive line that provides all the time in the world to wait for the five-star receiver to break open.
No, it's not that hard to hand off to a first round NFL draft pick at running back over and over again.
No, it's not that hard to not have to force throws like other top quarterbacks have to do, and yes, it really is easier to operate knowing that your defense full of pro prospects will clean up just about any mess you make.
McCarron is really, really good, and there's no question that it takes a special type of person and player to be Nick Saban's starting quarterback, but this is about the Heisman. In terms of a signature moment, that came last season against LSU. This season, McCarron has been good, but he might be the first Heisman finalist that isn't a sure-thing to even be a Third Team All-Conference selection. Manziel has to be First Team All-SEC, Aaron Murray has been better under trying circumstances, and yes, a reasonable case could be made that Zach Mettenberger, Nick Marshall, and for the Missouri game alone, Connor Shaw, have been every bit as valuable to their respective team's success.
And then there's the straight up Best Player problem, too.
If you were to hold a draft, and the NFL likes to do that once in a while, McCarron isn't even in the ballpark when it comes to the best players on his own team.
Offensive tackle Cyrus Kouandjio, linebacker C.J. Mosley and safety Ha Ha Clinton Dix will be among the top 15 players taken in the 2014 draft. Linebacker Adrian Hubbard, guard Anthony Steen, running back T.J. Yeldon, center Ryan Kelly and tight end O.J. Howard are all better pro prospects than McCarron.
Almost universally, it's acknowledged that Mettenberger, Teddy Bridgewater, Marcus Mariota, Brett Hundley, Derek Carr and Aaron Murray are slam-dunk better pro prospects than AJ. Manziel, Tajh Boyd and Jimmy Garoppolo – don't worry; you'll know him by April – are probably going to be drafted higher, and if he was eligible, Winston would be taken ahead of all of them with Christian Hackenberg not that far off.
Of course, the Heisman isn't about the NFL draft, and all that matters is who's having the best season of any college football player in the United States of America in 2013.
Of course, so far, it's Jameis Winston.
If Nick Saban became the Texas head football coach ... "The Eyes of Texas" would be changed to "The Eyes of Saban," and they would be upon you well after Gabriel blew his horn.
Everyone, at the same time … "But they lost to Utah!!!" ... I'm mad at Oregon. No, not about the loss – once again, the tippy-tappy gimmick offense shows that there's a hard ceiling it'll never be able to break through – but about the final few minutes. It would've been one thing if Stanford had come out and bullied – sorry, TOO SOON … TOO SOON – the Ducks pillar to post, but the Oregon offense finally seemed ready to play at the very end and showed what it could really do. No one is with me on this, but if Stanford and Oregon were to play again ten times, I think the Ducks win in a walk in nine of them.
If Nick Saban became the Texas head football coach ... the football program would clear over $100 million a year in profit, it would be the dominant force in the Big 12, the athletic department would have its own network, and … wait … oh. Oh yeah.
"So please please please
let me, let me, let me
let me get what I want
this time" … Welcome to my shameless and impossible quest to someday be on the committee that helps pick the playoff. Why do I deserve a spot? Apparently, unlike everyone voting in just about every poll, I'm the only one who actually saw UCF beat Louisville at Louisville and Texas beat Oklahoma.
Cavalcade of Whimsy - Nov. 12
- Part 2 - The Ten Heisman Contenders