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Fiu's Streaming Super Bowl Rant

Campus Insiders & CFN
Posted Feb 2, 2014


Pete Fiutak's pretentious analysis of your 2014 Super Bowl XLVIII

Stream-of-Consciousness Notes

2014 Super Bowl XLVIII

Denver vs. Seattle
 

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PREGAME

- The Super Bowl. Also known as Pepsi’s annual attempt to let you know it exists as you pop open your fourth Diet Coke of the day.

- How massive is the NFL? If the Super Bowl was somewhere else this year, like Miami or New Orleans, it would be 13 degrees with 14 inches of snow right now in the greater New York City metropolitan area.

- The NFL came up with a $765 million settlement with God to assure decent weather.

- QUICK! … national anthem … TAKE THE OVER … TAKE THE OVER …

- The Super Bowl. The day when 49-year-old men think it’s okay to wear a jersey. Nothing like seeing a dude in his No. 7 Denver Bronco jersey with the name Rubenstein on the back.

- Now THAT’S how our national anthem should be sung.

- Don’t insult either of us by bringing up Whitney. She corked her bat. It was recorded.

- The Super Bowl. The day when America decides to take a break from its steady diet of lean proteins, tofu, fruits and vegetables and allows itself to have a few fried things with cheese.

- Now THAT’s how a guy should wear a man-fur. You own it Joe Namath.

- Coin toss … heads … no tails … no … okay, going with tails …

- Tails.

- Always go with defense. Always, always, ALWAYS go with the defense.

- Of course Seattle is going to win. Of course.

- Who’s the biggest Seattle fan? Johnny Manziel and short quarterbacks everywhere. Just watch the parade of stupid NFL scouting that’ll kick in if Russell Wilson becomes a Super Bowl winning quarterback.

- What’s Russell Wilson’s greatest measurable? He plays on a team with the best defense in the NFL and has Marshawn Lynch to hand off to.

- And it doesn’t hurt that he gets to go against Peyton Manning in a really, really big game.

FIRST QUARTER

Denver With The Ball

- Safety. There’s the Devin Hester start, and then there’s this.

- That’s all I needed to see. I’m Arnold Rothstein walking out of the room after the first batter got hit.

Seattle 2, Denver 0

- Vegas is about to build another massive casino with all the money it just made on the First Score prop bet.

Seattle With The Ball

- I had heard all week that Percy Harvin looked like he’s faster than everyone else on the field. Here’s where it’s all going to pay off. That’s what fresh NFL legs look like.

- Well played, Bud Light. Ian Rappaport. I’m in.

- That Kelly girl in the Bud Light could give me a plate of Brussels sprouts covered in evil and I’d be happy to follow her into a stretch limo full of smoking hot chicks.

- Come on, Pete Carroll. Trust in your defense. 4th-and-1 deep in Denver territory. Go for it.

Seattle 5, Denver 0

- Ad for trucks with steers, actors pretending to be manly men, manual labor and hard work – it’s all pops and whistles to this part of the demographic.

Denver With The Ball

- Didn’t Kam Chancellor’s helmet just connect with the helmet of Demaryius Thomas? I want to see the official with the stones to throw the flag this early in a game like this.

- Seattle is going to dare Peyton Manning to prove he can throw the ball down the field more than 16 yards. He can’t do it.

Seattle With The Ball

- It’s okay, Super Bowl. We’re all watching. No need to keep promoting Bruno Mars as the halftime show.

- The Seattle coaching staff doesn’t have any problems putting the ball in the hands of Wilson early on. It’s like the goal is to let him get into the game right away to develop a rhythm. Denver is loading up to stop Lynch.

- Troy Aikman: Seattle is “trying to run that natural rubbing action.” That’s Part 2 of the Bud Light ad series.

- Wilson is getting all the time in the world to operate. He’s cool and calm as can be.

- These Bud Light ads are apparently geared toward Colorado, Washington, and other states with people able to do things to legally get the munchies.

- Field goal. With its defense, Seattle had its chance to put this away in the first quarter, and didn’t.

Seattle 8, Denver 0

- Bono is more than you know? Does that include being a band that can do more than generate inoffensive mom rock?

- Interception. Ahhhhh! Ahhhh! Florida Gator flashback ... Florida Gator flashback.

- Thank you, Cheerios, for one big giant “Screw You” to the narrow-minded.

Seattle With The Ball

- Percy Harvin is so, SO fast right now.

- Seattle absolutely dominated and it’s still only 8-0.

- Basically, buy a Chevy, because if you buy another truck, you’re choosing to not help people with cancer.

FIRST QUARTER: Seattle 8, Denver 0

SECOND QUARTER

- Seattle isn’t having any problems moving the ball when it absolutely needs to. It’s not taking any chances at this point.

- Just keep pounding away with Marshawn Lynch. Make Denver stop him three times …

- Touchdown. The Seattle defense doesn’t need any more help than 15-0.

Seattle 15, Denver 0

- No. Bud Light. You had something working with your wacky narrative from the start. Don’t throw in some dumb generic ad.

- Someone finally figured out how to properly market Tim Tebow. Steer into the skid – play into the persona and have fun with it.

- Always take defense. Always, always, always, always, always.

Denver With The Ball

- It’s still only 15-0. One good drive and it’s Game On.

- Oh, by the way, Bruno Mars is the halftime show.

- Okay, Denver. Just once, go deep just to do something, anything, to release the pressure and stretch the field.

- Peyton Manning – 5-6 for 19 yards with a pick. Fantasy football champions around the world are saying one, big collective, “so?”

- The first, first down for Denver! Huzzah! Huzzah!

- Does the Seattle defense have 15 players on the field? It looks like it.

- Denver keeps trying to set up the Seattle secondary, but it’s not working. The safeties don’t seem to care a lick about Demaryius Thomas going deep.

- I know Manning’s arm is normally good enough, but he’s REALLY laboring and winding up to deliver a fastball.

- At some point very, very soon, Richard Sherman is going to jump all over a …

- Seriously? Okay, not Sherman, Malcolm Smith. Touchdown, Seattle. Super Bowl. Thanks for playing.

- Oh, by the way, Bruno Mars is the halftime show.

Seattle 22, Denver 0

- DOWN … no, that’s not a fumble by Trindon Holliday. Review that. Down, down, down.

- He was down.

- Okay, Peyton. Time to do some of that legacy thing, because yeah, this matters for that.

- Broken record time. Seattle doesn’t think Manning can do ANYTHING to push the ball down the field. Denver is playing a red zone, inside-the-ten offense with no room to do much.

- Welcome to my good friend, Mr. Obvious. The Denver offense isn’t clicking.

- Eli Manning in his luxury suite: “I’ve got twooooooo, you have oneeeeeee. Thanks for the nuggies and wedgies as a kid. I’ll remember those as I’m dusting off that second ring.”

- Not a betting man, but I’m nervous about telling everyone that Archie Manning sighting O/U at one was a gift.

- Oh, by the way, Bruno Mars is the halftime show.

- 4th-and-2. Denver … TAKE THE POINTS. TAKE THE POINTS TAKE THE POINTS TAKE THE POINTS.

- Incomplete. Put in Brock Osweiler.

FIRST HALF: Seattle 22, Denver 0

- Same hair, same moves ... Super Bowl halftime would be so much better with Janelle Monáe.

THIRD QUARTER - Okay, Denver D. One quick stop, good field position, tilt the field.

- Percy Harvin is back to return the kick. Beware of the fresh legs …

- Florida vs. Manning.

- Like I mentioned before, I heard over and over and over again all week that Harvin was going to be the difference.

Seattle 29, Denver 0

- Alabama vs. Notre Dame flashback … Alabama vs. Notre Dame flashback. …

- Fun trivia question for a sucky game - longest-suffering sports city with the four major sports is … ?

Denver With The Ball

- Pam Oliver with winter coat from Goodwill.

- A Wes Welker sighting.

- And I’m sort of not joking – Brock Osweiler?

- Dink … dunk … dink … dunk …

- Manning tries to go deep against Richard Sherman. That didn’t work. Shocking.

- Oh, by the way, Bruno Mars is the halftime show.

- With a porky-yet-still-muscled Anthony Keidis.

- When did Jill Goodacre turn into Stiffler’s mom?

Seattle With The Ball

- Welcome to the Marshawn Lynch show.

- Seven minutes to play, and Denver needing four touchdowns against this Seattle D. Have fun with that.

Denver With The Ball

- Nice Matrix ad, Kia. Topical.

- Dink … dunk … dink … dunk …

- Turnover. Oy vey.

Seattle With The Ball

- Basically, buy Budweiser, and if you get another beer, you don’t like it when troops come home.

- At this point, with five minutes to play in the third, Seattle, just take a knee.

- Hey! Look! Peyton Manning is staying warm on the sidelines by throwing! That should help.

- Compare Wilson’s arm to Manning’s in this game. Night and day.

- Everything working. EVERYTHING working. That’s an all-timer of a touchdown catch from Jermaine Kearse. Unfortunately, half of America missed it as they were driving home from their Super Bowl parties.

- Oh, by the way, Bruno Mars is the halftime show.

Seattle 36, Denver 0

Denver With The Ball. I’m not sure why

- Why isn’t Denver doing better? Of course, it’s Manning in cold weather.

- Nice job of talking smack, Julius Thomas. That should be a gamechanger.

- Ooooh. Shark Tank back-to-back episodes kicking in.

- Trivia Question. According to the DirecTV guide, what’s on the Tennis Channel right now? Tennis!

- Denver driving, and Joe and Troy still calling this like a normal game as if it’s 24-17.

- Yay!!! A Denver touchdown! Peyton Manning’s legacy is intact!

- Going for two down 36-6 going into the fourth quarter is the equivalent of a basketball team down seven with 14 seconds to play rolling the ball up the court.

- A two point conversion. And there was much rejoicing.

- Seriously, Bud Light. You win. What the hell is happening with that dude?

THIRD QUARTER: Seattle 36, Denver 8

- Onside kick. Sad. Necessary, but sad.

Seattle With The Ball

- Seattle’s Super Bowl MVP? Peyton Manning.

- Robert Turbin showing off his speed, totally justifying my 15th round fantasy football flier pick.

- Yeah, the weather isn’t bad, but at this point, people in those $2500 seats are wishing they were watching this suckfest somewhere warmer.

- Charissa Thompson looks like she could use a sandwich.

- Russell Wilson, MVP. Doug Baldwin touchdown. Denver is having a miserable game in all phases. It’s an awful, awful performance.

Seattle 43, Denver 8

- When you’re Paul Allen, you get to wear the puffy coat and no one will ever give you crap.

- Seattle’s D is TEEING OFF.

- Richard Sherman hurt. Of course he didn’t have a big game. Manning didn’t dare test him.

- Big question. After this, and with his age, is Manning the slam-dunk No. 1 fantasy football pick?

- Buck: “You never know how these things are going to unfold – No. 1 defense vs. No. 1 offense.” Yeah, this was easy.

- Troy is getting sad that this game sucked.

- Manning with Super Bowl record or most completions with 33?

- Dink … dunk … dink … dunk …

- Turnover on downs.

Seattle With The Ball

- Joe Buck knows exactly what he’s doing. He should just say the word marijuana just to mess with Vegas.

- Troy on Manning losing this: “This is painful.”

Denver With The Ball

- No shots of Archie Manning. I thought that was the slam-dunk of all prop bets.

- Troy has officially kicked off The Peyton Manning It's Okay For His Legacy Tour. I'd still take Aikman any day.

Seattle With The Ball

- Oh super. With this over, now we’re about to have the Olympics jammed down our throats in five … four

… - Oh, by the way, Bruno Mars is the halftime show.

- Are you sure you want to delete this program (Super Bowl XLVIII)? … Delete Now, Don’t Delete, Delete With Malice. Click.

FINAL SCORE: Seattle 43, Denver 8