Cavalcade of Whimsy
Jan. 24, 2012
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Pete Fiutak
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Sorry if this column sucks, it’s not my fault … I passed out in a Bourbon Street restaurant and woke up with a teabag on my neck.
Lung cancer is the leading cause of cancer deaths in both men and women in the United States and worldwide. … No, Joe Paterno didn’t die from a “broken heart,” as Matt Millen, Mike Ditka, and countless others have suggested.
No, the media didn’t kill Joe Paterno. The Penn State Board of Trustees didn’t kill him, and he isn’t dead now because he was fired in November.
Joe Paterno died because he was an 85-year-old man who suffered from lung cancer.
Of course, the stress and strain of everything that happened probably played a role in the timing in some way, but lung cancer doesn’t know the backstory of the Penn State situation.
Lung cancer is going to do what lung cancer is going to do, as anyone has any experience with it knows so painfully well. Lung cancer is lung cancer, and it really is okay to simply say that the man died because he was stricken with a horrible, horrible illness instead of trying to cutesy up the story of his death by foolishly making him sound like he couldn’t handle the adversity.
Even worse, it’s actually an insult to suggest that Paterno died because he was sad.
It’s not a positive to suggest that Harry Carey lived for the Chicago Cubs and had nothing else going on. It’s not anything to be proud of that Bear Bryant was only alive because of Alabama football. And you’re not doing Paterno any solids by saying he didn’t have any other hobbies and had nothing else going on in his life outside of Penn State.
Be better than that.
If you feel really, really sad about Paterno’s death, and if you’re sickened
and disheartened by all the issues at Penn State,
then do
something positive to both help the battle to cure
cancer and do something terrific for children trying
to live through it.
And they’re arguing about the use of the FBI to investigate. Really. … Over and over again, Penn State fans, students, and alumni keep saying that there’s a silent majority sickened by how everything went down. Fine, but it’s time for that group to become vocal – and fast - because the Extremely Loud & Incredibly Stupid have owned the discussion, and now they’re emboldened.
That it had to be said that Paterno’s death won’t change anything about the investigation into
THE ALLEGED RAPING OF CHILDREN proves how the wrong people are being catered to.
The Penn State Faculty Senate – seriously, the Penn State faculty - was meeting to make a symbolic vote of no-confidence for the university’s board of trustees for the way it handled the scandal. It was stopped for lack of support, but it was still enough to show that attitudes aren't changing.
Penn State, YOU’RE … STILL ... NOT … GETTING … IT.
If you want to honor the life and legend of Paterno after his passing, fine, but Penn State, as a school and as a community, you have to do something, anything, to
prove to the world that you’re NOT FOR THE COVERING-UP OF THE ALLEGED RAPING OF CHILDREN.
Stop already. There’s no other side.
Child rape. Bad. That’s it. Done. Stop trying to argue any other point.
No, really. STOP IT.
”Why should I change it, he’s the one who sucks.” … How much must it suck to be Baltimore Raven broadcaster Gerry Sandusky?
”How do you use magazines?” … (Cue the plinky piano music pretending to be poignant.)
Tom Rinaldi voiceover: “After 32 years, countless memories, and hours upon hours of joy, the unthinkable, the unimaginable, has come crashing down. Pete Fiutak is going to cancel his subscription to Sports Illustrated.
Rinaldi: “I know this has to be a hard time for you.”
Fiu: “It’s okay … I’ll get through it. It’ll be hard, but, you know, you just sort of wake up one day and it’ll hurt a little less. Then you try to keep breathing, and then the next day it’ll be better. And then, hopefully, (sniiiifffff), I’m sorry (pause) … you just go on.”
Rinaldi: “How does it come to this? How, after everything you and the magazine have gone through over the years, do things get to this point?”
Fiu: “One day I woke up and realized I had a stack of them that I never read, and then it hit me … I never, ever read it anymore. I think the Tebow issue that went from mailbox to recycling without so much as a pause sealed the deal.”
Rinaldi: “But how can you simply eliminate something that’s given you so much joy and has been such an inspiration over the years? After all, you have all the original magazines from 1980 to 1992 taking up space in a closet.”
Fiu: “Well, there’s already a ton of free stuff out there that’s stronger and more relevant. The writing is fine, but it’s hardly special, and the swimsuit issue is, well, sort of embarrassing and sad.”
Rinaldi: “But the Christie Brinkley cover issue debate of 1980 – when you and your dad desperately fought with your mother who took the issue away …”
Fiu: “I was nine and mom was taking away boobs. But she was right. The SI swimsuit issue was a gateway. Soon, I was hanging out across the street trying to catch reruns of Bizarre.”
Rinaldi: “But the magazine was your sports oasis in a depressing time before you had cable. It was a staple through years and years of plane and car trips, pretending to pay attention in class, and during countless bathroom breaks.”
Fiu: “I have Angry Birds now.”
Rinaldi: “That’s really gross. This is ridicu … Cut … CUT … hey, wait, that kid over there with the stick. Hey! Blind kid! You like sports, right? Aren’t you sad that you can’t watch your favorite team? Hey … wait up!”
If only a slew of flash cards could solve this problem … Alabama winning the 2011 national championship is like my eight-year-old daughter doing her math homework: the answer might be turn out to be right, but the process to get to that point was completely and totally screwed up.
So let’s say Oklahoma State did end up getting in to the BCS championship and Alabama played Michigan in the Sugar Bowl. Then there would be a different champion, begging the question: what else did the BCS get wrong over the years?
If LSU beat Oklahoma State in the BCS championship and Alabama beat Michigan in the Sugar Bowl, then LSU would’ve been the national champion without any question whatsoever, and as it turned out, that would’ve been wrong answer.
2003 season: are you 100% sure LSU deserved to be the national champion over USC? Now, how can you be?
I’m not so certain 2006 LSU - even after losing
23-10 in the regular season - doesn’t beat Florida in a national title game. I’m not convinced that 1998 Ohio State wasn’t better than Tennessee. 2000 Miami was probably better at the end of the year than Oklahoma; 2002 Georgia would’ve given Ohio State a run; 2004 Auburn was strong enough to have battled USC, and Urban Meyer’s Utah went unbeaten; 2008 Texas and USC certainly had a beef with Florida winning the title; and
2010 TCU ended up finishing unbeaten in 2010.
And then there’s 2008 Utah.
Over the years it’s been easy to dismiss the Boise States, TCUs, and Utahs of the world by arguing that anyone really good team can come up big in a bowl game; but isn’t that
sort of what 2011 Alabama did?
That wasn’t the same LSU team that was so confident and so good throughout the season, just like that wasn’t the same Alabama team in the 2009 Sugar Bowl that lost to Utah 31-17.
Utah fans, coaches, and senators screamed and yelled about how the system was screwed up that a one-loss Florida team could win the national title and an unbeaten Ute squad wasn’t. If Alabama this year is right, then it has to be acknowledged that Utah in 2008 might have been right, too.
That Alabama is the 2011 national champion is a belief – even though it really did appear to be the best team in college football and the Tide would probably win in any playoff format. The BCS champion is a made-up designation, just like all the other college football national champions are, because there isn’t a proper playoff system in place. And now, after for the first time in more than 70 years, a team won a national title that didn’t win its conference championship.
And now, the idea that every week matters in college football no longer holds water.
”Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.” … Costello: “Who won the 2011 national title?”
Abbott: “Alabama.”
Costello: “Oh, so the SEC champion won the national championship again.”
Abbott: “No, Alabama won the national championship.”
Costello: “Yes, the SEC won another national title.”
Abbott: “Yes.”
Costello: “Alabama won the national title.”
Abbott: “Yes.”
Costello: “Alabama is in the SEC.”
Abbott: “Yes.”
Costello: “Right, so the SEC champion won the national championship again.”
Abbott: “No.”
Costello: “So you’re telling me that Alabama won the national title, but the SEC champion didn’t win the national title. Why? I don’t know … I don’t give a darn!”
Abbott: “And apparently, according to the TV ratings, neither did the rest of America.”
My Team Played In The BCS Championship And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt … How completely and utterly meaningless is the LSU 2011 SEC championship? Really, if you’re an LSU fan, can you wear the t-shirt? If you’re LSU, how do you raise the banner without feeling grouchy? Congratulations, college football and the SEC. You’ve become 2011 Big East basketball.
David Freese, your table is ready … But for all the weeping and gnashing of teeth, once again, even though there was a breakdown in the process and the system didn’t actually work, college football got it more right than the other sports. There’s no real argument against Alabama being the best team in college football. The Green Bay Packers should be playing the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl. The Yankees should’ve been playing the Phillies in the World Series. UConn basketball might have won its gimmicky conference tournament, but in a perfect world Pittsburgh would’ve been the Big East team to make the NCAA tournament. You might like the process – I certainly don’t – but Alabama really was that good.
“I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart/
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard” … Nice work, ACC. Every year I and my fellow college football types push that boulder up the mountain, only to see it come steamrolling over us once we get to the very top.
Really, ACC? You’re going to come to the bowl dance with a close win over Louisville, a squeaker over Notre Dame, and a few close calls?
To bring this full circle, what happens if and when an ACC team goes unbeaten? Virginia Tech’s schedule (dates aren’t set yet) are at Pitt, Bowling Green, Cincinnati, Austin Peay, Duke, Georgia Tech, at Miami, at North Carolina, Virginia, at Boston College, Florida State, and at Clemson. Essentially, it’s a two, maybe three-game slate for any team that can reasonably dream about playing in a major bowl. After the way the ACC has performed year after year, what happens if it’s between an unbeaten Tech and a one-loss SEC champion for the second spot in the BCS championship race?
”Many years will pass, where he will remain unaware the Sword of Damocles is dangling over him. And when he least expects it ....” … Really, NCAA? No players were dealing with agents this year? No last second suspensions? No out-of-the-blue hammers to drop? This all just went away and was cleared up? Well that’s a relief. Well done.
And I’m pushing now for GameDay to come broadcast from my breakfast nook next year, but only if Chip Kelly and Gene Chizik are on set to give their analysis. Seriously, the were terrific. … As always, thanks so much for all the feedback, kind words, screaming, and views from all sides for the 2011 season. It’s always an honor to hear back from readers and their commentary, and thanks again for all you contribute. I’ll keep doing these from time to time throughout the offseason, but I can’t promise they won’t suck.
Stay handsome.