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If this column
sucks, it’s not my fault …
the new clock rule beat the column. Not Ohio State.
There wasn’t much happening over the other 54 minutes, either …
Texas head coach Mack Brown whined during the weekly Big 12
teleconference that the new clock rule might have played a big part in
the loss to Ohio State. “They scored with six minutes left,” groused
Brown, “and the game was over before we had a chance to do anything.”
Yeah, like Brown and his staff were just waiting to spring the real
plays on the Buckeyes late in the game, but time simply ran out. Wanting
more time for that overhyped snoozefest is like hoping for an extra 23
minutes added on to the director’s cut of The Da Vinci Code.
Just like Aquaman 2 can’t possibly succeed with Jake
Gyllenhaal as the main man … Isn’t it amazing how much better a
coach Mack Brown was with Vince Young? Losing to the number one team in
the nation is nothing to be ashamed of, and, of course, Brown can coach,
but if Texas loses to Oklahoma …
But that University of Peru offense can hang with anyone … After
the USA’s performance in that basketball World Championship thingy, I
will no longer accept the use of the phrase World Champion Miami Heat.
After the USA’s performance in the World Baseball Classic, I will no
longer accept the phrase World Champion Chicago White Sox. However, even
after the loss to Ohio State, if you want to say they're the World
Champion Texas Longhorns, I’ll allow it.
And it’s O.K. to feel a little bit sad inside when you see Emmitt
Smith on every promo for Dancing with the Stars … The
Florida State – Miami game wasn’t a defensive classic. It wasn’t
gripping. It wasn’t entertaining. It sucked. Go ahead and say it out
loud. “My name is (say your name), and the Florida State – Miami game
sucked.” Hi, (your name). Feel better? Not yet? O.K., then try to come
to peace with the fact that the Ohio State - Texas game was as
forgettable as the taco you had for lunch last Wednesday. They can't all
Well, Clarice – Have the Hogs stopped screaming? … Either USC’s
John David Booty or Alabama’s John Parker Wilson has the same name of my
next door neighbor who is sort of a loner, keeps to himself, and doesn’t
bother anyone, but has been heard over and over again yelling from his
basement to “put the (bleep)ing lotion in the basket.”
All the money in the world won’t buy back the glory days with Otter,
Brother Bluto, and the rest of the guys at the Delta Tau Chi house …
Imagine what would happen if all the self-righteous people who keep
whining about Oklahoma State uber-booster T. Boone Pickens, who
frivolously gave a $165 million donation to the Cowboy football program,
made up for it by not going to Starbucks for one week and gave that
money to a worthwhile charity.
But he does light a candle at the Grotto to pray for ESPN Classic to
air the 1988 win over Miami over and over again … There’s no truth
to the rumor that Lou Holtz’s head is spray-painted with real gold
flecks before going on air.
Notice, Michael Vick can't throw touchdown passes in the ads, either
(I know, he threw two on Sunday) ... That team in the Nike ad that's
up 14-10 late against a Briscoe High squad with Brian Urlacher, LaDanian
Tomlinson, Troy Polamalu, Matt Leinart, Vick, and coached by Don Shula
and Urban Meyer must be really, really good.
But they all exited in under seven minutes once the Wolverines got up
41-10 … With a storm cloud approaching and visible lightning
off in the distance, there was an hour delay in the first half of the
Michigan – Michigan game. The teams left the field for precautionary
reasons, but many of the 100,000-plus fans were left to sit through the
short downpour in an antiquated stadium that’s ill-equipped for a quick
evacuation. There was no place for most to go if a lightning storm had
started to blast parts the field. By the way, the fifth anniversary of
the 9/11 tragedy was on Monday. Connect the dots, NCAA.
Close to 3,000 innocent people were killed in the terrorist attacks
on September 11th, 2001 … According to Mothers Against
Drunk Driving, close to 8,000 innocent children under the age of 15 are
killed by drunk drivers each year. Want to do your part in the war on
terror? Make sure you're stone-cold sober when you get in a car, or find
alternative means of transportation, after a college football Saturday
of tailgating and partying.
And I respectfully request to get a redo on last year’s ballot …
My Heisman ballot for this week would be: 1. Adrian Peterson, RB
Oklahoma, 2. Troy Smith, QB Ohio State, 3. Ian Johnson, RB Boise State,
4. Mike Hart, RB Michigan, 5. Brady Quinn, QB Notre Dame
The C.O.W. airing of the grievances
followed by the feats of strength
The ten aspects of the college
football world this week that made me grouchy, excited, and/or a bit
10. Tom Zbikowski vs. Rhett Bomar
I’m still trying to figure this one out. Tom Zbikowski got paid to fight
in a professional boxing match that lasted :49, but that’s fine
according to the NCAA. Rhett Bomar got paid for a job that he went to
for :49, and that’s not fine. If Zbikowski wasn’t Notre Dame safety Tom
Zbikowski, there’d have been no national attention to his fight, it
might not have even been promoted, and he might not have even gotten the
gig in the first place. Aren't both players getting money because
they're famous football players? While we're at it, do you want to also
rehash the Jeremy Bloom fiasco?
9. “As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.”
Sorry to keep bringing up the terrorism thing, but I can’t be the only
one who’s deeply disturbed by the Chick-fil-A ads with the cows
parachuting into a stadium.
8. “Screw you, Mellon”
Here’s a respectful request to all announcers to refrain from
dismissing the seizure of a muscle as being “just a cramp.” Obviously
cramps aren't that serious compared to the horrible things that can
happen on a football field, and they're quickly treatable with fluids, a
banana, and a little bit of stretching, but having been hit by the
mother of all leg cramps that started at 4:39 last Wednesday morning and
lasted until around 4:50, they're nothing to sneeze at. Pain is always
no big deal when it happens to someone else.
7. If you’ve got it, flaunt it
The officials in the booth apparently reviewed the controversial
plays at the end of the Akron win over NC State and the Iowa State win
over UNLV, but no one seemed to want to tell anyone until a few hours
later. To get closure on the games, the referees have to make it very,
very clear to the players, coaches and fans that the big final plays are
being reviewed. Everyone can wait. Thanks to the clock rule, we have the
6. Trust me. You can’t get from Dan Hawkins to Kevin Bacon in six
How bad is Colorado? The Buffs lost to Montana State 19-10 in the
season opener. Montana State took that momentum into its home opener and
got tagged by D-II’s Chadron State 35-24. To be fair, the Eagles were
coming off a dominating 21-3 win over the University of Mary.
5. Go to the bathroom; miss three touchdowns.
It might not be for the purists, but for sheer eye-candy and
unbridled fun, you have to mark October 21st on your calendar
for the Hawaii – New Mexico State game. The Aggie passing game has
finally taken flight thanks to new QB Chase Holbrook, who leads the
nation’s number one air attack averaging 427 yards per game. Hawaii only
played one game, but Colt Brennan threw for 350 yards against Alabama.
4. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid ....
If all else appears equal, you always, ALWAYS go with the veteran
quarterback over the newbie in big games. I know this. I know this. I
know this. How could I pick Texas over Ohio State and how could I have
thought Penn State had a real shot against Notre Dame? Stupid, stupid,
3. First round wide receivers
I promise to never again claim a wide receiver prospect is a
bet-the-house-bet-the-kids, sure-fire Hall of Famer. Charles Rogers had
all the talent in the world coming out of college and appeared to be a
sure a thing as sure things get. Cut. Mike Williams was unstoppable at
USC. Fat, lazy, tardy. In recent drafts, Larry Fitzgerald and Roy
Williams have turned into burgeoning superstars, and there are other
first rounders, like Lee Evans, Michael Jenkins, and Braylon Edwards,
with mega-potential, but when first round receivers bust, they do it
with pizzazz. Remember Rashaun Woods? San Francisco would like to. How
about David Terrell? Ashley Lelie, Rod Gardner, Koren Robinson, Freddie
Mitchell, Peter Warrick, Travis Taylor, Sylvester Morris, R. Jay Soward,
Troy Edwards, Marcus Nash, Ike Hilliard, Yatil Green (to be fair, he got
hurt), Reidel Anthony, and Rae Carruth were just a few of the disasters,
for the teams that drafted them, over the last ten years. Of course,
Georgia Tech’s Calvin Johnson is can’t-miss prospect who belongs in
2. Because the whole world was waiting on the edge of their seats for
the excitement of the San Francisco – Arizona game.
As a player, you can shoot yourself up with steroids and growth
hormones, and everyone looks the other way because that’s considered
part of the deal. You can take a bazillion pain killers to fool yourself
into thinking you’re not suffering from injuries that will diminish your
quality of life in ways you can’t even imagine, and that’s expected. But
you can never, ever, ever, ever, bet on your sport. That would
compromise the integrity of the game, and few can argue with that.
Gambling is supposedly wrong, but fantasy football has now become the
main marketing tool for the NFL. People try to win money (at least in
most leagues) by predicting the possible outcome of player production
... and that's not gambling, how?
Reggie Bush appeared in ads where he’s supposedly in a fantasy football
league, but that's not really promoting gambling or compromising the
integrity of the game, is it? Two words the NFL should know and
understand in a big hurry before some enterprising U.S. District
Attorney figures how to use them for political gain: prop bet.
Jeff Pash, Executive VP of the NFL recently said on ESPN’s Outside
the Lines that “there needs to be a clear-cut separation between
gambling and the NFL. It’s an integrity issue.” Integrity issue? Ask
anyone who has the DirecTV Red Zone channel who won any of the games on
Sunday. The NFL without gambling or fantasy football would be as popular
as the WNBA on steroids. Of course, the NFL knows this, but it can't
promote gambling. Therefore, it has gone bonkers pumping up everything
about fantasy football and catering to the fantasy football owner, while
not worrying about how the game has been completely distorted.
might have bizarre rules and regulations, and the way it determines a
champion is a mess, but the whole world was watching Ohio State vs.
Texas. Name the last NFL regular season game that anyone really cared
about. The NFL is a blast, but it's not because of the actual product.
Watch the end of the Clemson - Boston College game or the Akron - NC
State game and find any NFL game that can compare. Because of the way
college football is set up, it's popular without needing fantasy
football. Of course, the gambling side of things is another story.
1. Cog, meet system.
A little note to those casual college football fans, writers and
broadcasters that only get into the sport when it’s big game time, yet
profess to know the ins and outs of all the teams: the big boys reload.
Ohio State can’t replace it’s defensive back seven. USC can’t overcome
the loss of Leinart, Bush and White. Texas can’t get over the loss of
Vince Young. That’s all we heard all off-season, and it’s not right, and
it’s not quite fair.
As the Buckeyes showed on Saturday night, they might have lost an NFL
defensive back seven, but they replaced it with another NFL defensive
back seven. The entire USC starting backfield is good enough to start
for about 110 other teams, and most, if not all, will be drafted. So
will backup QB Mark Sanchez. Colt McCoy isn’t just some rube from the
sticks, actually, he sort of is, but it’s not like he was picked up off
the scrap heap. If you’re a starter for one of the big boys, even if
you’re inexperienced, you’re really, really, really good. If you’re a
starter for one of the big boys and get hurt or don’t get the job done,
you’ll be more easily replaced than an NBC Thursday night comedy. The
great programs are the great programs for a reason.
C.O.W. shameless gimmick item …
The weekly five Overrated/Underrated aspects
of the world
Matthew McConaughey as the head
Texas football cheerleader
Underrated: The roughly 14 hours of my life I’ll never get back after
sitting through Failure to Launch, Two for the Money,
Sahara, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, The Wedding Planner,
U-571, and Edtv.
2) Overrated: Being on Dancing with the Stars … Underrated: Being
on Hollywood Squares
3) Overrated: Notre Dame … Underrated: Note-tra Dame, as Doug Flutie
would say it.
4) Overrated: Cowbells at college football games ... Underrated: Will
Ferrell as Gene Frenkle, cowbell player for Blue Oyster Cult.
5) Overrated: Madden NFL 07... Underrated: NHL 07
Sheer hubris run amok, week seven … The three lines this week
that appear to be a tad off: 1) Marshall +11 over Kansas State, 2)
Minnesota -41 over Temple, 3) Texas A&M -27.5 over Army. So far: 1-2
against the spread.
Sorry this column sucked, but it wasn’t my fault … I thought this
was the number one column in the country after Ohio State’s Jim Tressel
said in a press conference that he voted it in the top spot.
Unfortunately, OSU director of player development Stan Jefferson changed
the vote without telling the head coach, thereby dropping the column
into the ranks of the mediocre.