Fiu's Cavalcade of
Whimsy
a.k.a.
Frank Costanza's Festivus Airing of the Grievances
By
Pete Fiutak
What's your beef? ... E-mail with your
thoughts
Past Whimsies
2006 Season | Preseason
Part One,
Part Two |
Week 1
Week
2 |
Week 3
|
Week 4
|
Week 5
|
Week 6
|
Week 7
|
Week 8
If this column
sucks, it’s not my fault … As I wrote in my letter to SEC Commissioner Mike Slive, two
weeks ago when my preparation began for the column, I thought it needed
more energy and enthusiasm or it was going to get whipped pretty good. I
said, as a matter of fact, that when I write my first decent line, I
expected everyone to celebrate to the point where the official would
throw a flag for excessive celebration. I admit this was inappropriate.
“Colonel Jessup, did you order the Code
Red?” … After scoring its first touchdown in the win over
Florida, Georgia’s entire team ran out on the field to celebrate. Head
coach Mark Richt ordered his team to do this, wanting to crank up the
team’s emotion after what he perceived to be a lackluster few weeks. Of
course, he also wanted to show that his program would no longer be
pushed around by the mighty Gators. Unfortunately, that one act appears
to have caused the housing market to tank, melted the polar ice caps,
gave the terrorists a leg up, handed Iran the bomb, caused Marie Osmond
to faint, was the final tipping point in the mutation of an
antibiotic-resistant Superbug, and has served as a microcosm of why our
society and way of life are now threatened.
People, Richt didn’t order his team to run over to the Florida sideline,
drop trou and moon Urban Meyer, shave Tim Tebow’s sideburns, or call the
Gators a bunch of nappy-headed hos. The Bulldogs showed off a defiant
form of solidarity that not only set the tone for the game, it might
have changed around the entire SEC race while possibly serving as the
jumping off moment for a young team on the way to huge things in 2008.
I guarantee you the first thing that went through Meyer’s mind when he
saw what was happening was, “Aw crap. I wish I had thought of that
first.” I also guarantee you that somewhere, deep down in a place he
didn’t want to acknowledge, Meyer knew he might have lost the game right
then and there.
Of course, you know Tebow didn’t even need to be asked … What did
Meyer say to his Gators on the sidelines to fire them up after the
Georgia celebration incident? “We got spirit, yes we do, we got spirit,
how ‘bout you!” And then he pointed the Georgia sideline. When the Dawgs
failed to respond, Meyer and his team wildly jumped around gleefully
yelling, “We got more! We got more!” Georgia won 42-30.
And if it had worked, the Gators would’ve tipped their hats, conceded
the game, and gone out to have a cocktail … Richt might have sent a
message to his players, his fans, and the entire SEC with the incident,
but if he really wanted to prove how much confidence he had in his team,
he should’ve showed off some church bell-sized stones and tried an
on-side kick from his own seven after getting penalized 30 yards for the
celebration.
He’s definitely a man, but he’s not 40 …
Contrary to reports, Boston College QB Matt
Ryan wasn’t puking at the end of the Virginia Tech game out of
exhaustion. He had just got done reading Jenni Carlson’s article on
Bobby Reid.
For the first 55 minutes he played just like Brady. Marcia. … I’m
not hatin’ (or whatever the kids are calling it now) on Matt Ryan or
Boston College, but it’s amazing how the awful first 55 minutes of the
win over Virginia Tech have been completely forgotten about. The
highlight watchers will see the final brilliant Ryan touchdown throws
and the way he cemented his team in the national title hunt. The NFL
scouts are going to see Ryan miss wide open receivers time and again
before the late game heroics. Yeah, a game-winning comeback like that is
legendary, but the big boys want to find quarterbacks who don’t get
into that spot in the first place.
One bounce the other way on an on-side kick and we’re not talking
about this … For all the criticism being heaped on the Virginia Tech
coaches for going into a form of prevent at the very end, it should be
noted that the defensive front was getting a push from three players
throughout the game, and was still getting to Ryan at the end. It’s not
like the prevent allowed Ryan to stand around for three days and throw;
he was under constant pressure and had to scramble around to make his
big plays. Yes, it is possible that Virginia Tech did everything right
and still got beaten by a possible number one overall draft pick.
If they do actually get to the BCS Championship game, they’re going
to pull a Madonna Truth of Dare and change uniforms after every
quarter … Let’s all take a deep breath. Take a yellow and metallic
pea colored Ritalin, and relax for just a moment here on everyone’s new
darlings, the Oregon Ducks.
I love them. They’re one of the most fun teams in America to watch, and
it’s about time that Jonathan Stewart and Dennis Dixon get their just
due on a national scale. But let’s not go overboard here after a win
over USC.
Yeah, beating USC is always a big deal, but this isn’t USC. This
is the same team that needed everything in the bag to get by Arizona at
home, is a few weeks removed from losing to Stanford, and was supposedly
all better again after thumping a miserable Notre Dame team. This was
not the last time the Trojans are going to lose this year, and this
wasn’t the win it’s being made out to be.
Yeah, Oregon is one of the best teams in America, but let’s not gloss
over a home loss to a Cal team that all of a sudden went into the tank
with losses to Oregon State, UCLA and Arizona State. Ahhhhh, Arizona
State.
Oregon lovers, that’s your test. That’s the one you can hang your hats
on. I know it goes against everything you believe in, but beating
Arizona State next week would actually be more impressive than getting
by USC. It just might not reverberate on a national level, even if the
Sun Devils are currently fourth in the nation.
Meanwhile, Ohio State didn’t definitively prove that it’s the best team
in America just by beating Penn State. It just meant it might be as good
as Illinois. This was a Nittany Lion team hanging on to a spot in the
top 25 by the skin of its teeth, and was a team that a number one team
should’ve handled easily. OSU passed a good test, but there’s a few big
blue books still to fill.
And their mascot gets to hold a snappy weapon … Oregon is the
number one bandwagon of the week to jump on thanks to a 7-1 record, the
nation’s No. 4 offense, No. 3 scoring offense, and No. 4 rushing attack.
The Ducks are 68th in the nation in total defense. Meanwhile,
West Virginia is 7-1 with the one loss coming on the road to South
Florida in one of the most emotionally-charged atmospheres of the
season, has the nation’s No. 12 offense, No. 7 scoring offense, and No.
2 rushing attack. Oh yeah, and it also has the nation’s No. 3 defense.
Oregon will lose at least once more this season (more on that in a
moment). Here’s a transfer over to my bandwagon.
Relax, they’re not going to play Florida again … No one is doing
jumping jacks at the idea of Ohio State playing in another national
title game. After all, the Buckeyes gave us that all-timer of a clunker
against Florida. Now try looking at this from a different angle. Ohio
State had one really, really, really, really, really, really, really bad
game, but it’s not like it lost to Appalachian State or Stanford at
home. It lost to a fantastic Gator team playing at peak capability. It
was one game. This is a Buckeye team that’s won 27 straight regular
season games and 33 of its last 36 overall. Also remember that before
last year’s debacle it had won four straight bowl games, including three
in the BCS, and a national title. Again, it was one game, and there’s no
way, no chance the team will come out that flat again in whatever bowl
it ends up playing in.
$10 says that half the voters would pull a Channing Crowder if asked
where North Dakota is on a map … Hey, AP voters. What happened to
you getting all high and mighty about wanting to put D-IAA, or what the
suits call FCS, teams in your increasingly irrelevant poll? You were all
too happy to pat yourselves on the back after finding a way to put in
Appalachian State after the Michigan win, but North Dakota State has
proven to be better this season. The Bison is on a 12-game winning
streak including thumpings of Central Michigan and Minnesota while
waiting out its time as a provisional FCS team. I’m not saying this is a
top ten team, but maybe a vote would be warranted just to show you’re
paying attention.
On a good note, in 2011 the global warming crisis was reversed when
all the Pottery Barns opened their doors at once … I’ve just
returned from the future. I’m not going to tell you who won, but I’ll
tell you that the Patriots – Colts game was a 57-51 overtime shootout
that came down to a last second play you won’t believe. Pundits couldn’t
find enough words to describe what would come to be known as the
greatest sporting event ever played. It was so good that the NFL
cancelled the rest of the season after realizing there just wasn’t any
point to going on. There were some of the best catches the league has
ever seen, Brady and Manning put on an all-timer of a show, and a boob
popped out when one of the cheerleaders was jumping. Before you get all
fired up to see it, there’s one rule. You can only watch if you listen
to the announcing team of Paul Maguire and Tim McCarver. What do you do?
“Look, when something works for me I stick with it.” … A note to
the Texas A&M coaching staff in case your fan base hasn’t been loud
enough. GIVE JORVORSKIE LANE THE BALL. Of course you don’t call plays
thinking that getting a statistic will win you a game, but sometimes,
the numbers show that something is worth doing, and in this case, that’s
committing to letting the huge Aggie carry the mail. Over the course of
Lane’s career, A&M is 6-0 when Lane gets 20 carries or more, and is 7-0
over the last two seasons when he gets it 15 times or more. A&M has lost
the last five times he’s had fewer than ten carries, including last week
against Kansas when he got the ball seven times for 24 yards.
“Stop your messing around/Better think of your future/Time you
straighten right out/Creating problems in your town” … One personnel
call can change everything, and in the end, it looks like Dirk Koetter
was dead-on right. Arizona State QB Rudy Carpenter is tenth in the
nation in passing efficiency throwing 17 touchdown passes with seven
interceptions while averaging 244 passing yards per game as the leader
of the 8-0 team. Meanwhile, Sam Keller, who’s now out for the year with
a shoulder injury, threw 14 touchdown passes with ten interceptions for
a dying Nebraska team that’s 4-5.
The C.O.W. airing of the grievances followed by the feats of strength
Where does everyone stand in the conference races? What’s probably going
to happen down the back-stretch, and who’ll be crowned the champions? In
this wildly unpredictable year, here’s a best-guess look at what’s about
to happen in November complete with how things are going to end up.
Armed with this knowledge, feel free to take the month off and do
something with the wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, kids, or all of
the above.
In the predicted finishes, the potential ties in the standings are
thrown out for now while listing the final best-guessed pecking order.
11. Your 2007 Sun Belt Champion will be …The Troy Trojans.
It’s a three horse race between Troy, Middle Tennessee and Florida
Atlantic with the Trojans one game up on the other two, and UL Monroe,
fresh off a three overtime win over FAU, hovering as the only two-loss
team. The Blue Raiders and Owls each have to make the trip to Troy,
while FAU already beat Middle Tennessee.
Predicted Final Pecking Order: 1) Troy, 2) Middle Tennessee, 3)
Florida Atlantic, 4) UL Monroe, 5) Arkansas State, 6) UL Lafayette, 7)
North Texas, 8) Florida International
10. You 2007 WAC Champion will be … The Boise State Broncos.
Hawaii and Boise State are the two unbeatens with Fresno State a game
back after losing to the Broncos last week. Watch out for Hawaii’s trip
to Nevada on November 10th, but if that’s a win, I’m making
the call that Boise State finds a way to get it done on November 23rd,
with the college football world watching, to finish 11-1 and in the top
12 of the final BCS standings to earn a second straight trip to a big
money game.
Predicted Final Pecking Order: 1) Boise State, 2) Hawaii, 3)
Fresno State, 4) Nevada, 5) San Jose State, 6) New Mexico State, 7)
Louisiana Tech, 8) Idaho, 9) Utah State
9. Your 2007 MAC Champion will be …. The Central Michigan Chippewas
over Miami University.
It’ll be a repeat title year for the team that can’t do much of anything
outside of the conference but has been dominant in league play. CMU has
a two game lead on Ball State and Eastern Michigan in the West. One more
win all but seals the division, while a win over EMU on November 10th
in the home finale would clinch the trip to the title game.
The East is far more interesting with just about everyone but Kent State
still within range. Buffalo, yes, Buffalo has a chance to make a serious
move if it beats Miami University in Oxford this week, but the RedHawks
should pull it out, beat Akron, lose to Ohio, and win East on
tie-breakers.
Predicted Final East Pecking Order: 1) Miami, 2) Buffalo, 3)
Ohio, 4) Bowling Green, 5) Temple, 6) Akron, 7) Kent State
Predicted Final West Pecking Order: 1) Central Michigan, 2) Ball
State, 3) Toledo, 4) Eastern Michigan 5) Western Michigan, 6) Northern
Illinois
8. You 2007 Conference USA Champion will be … The Houston Cougars
over East Carolina
Thanks to a 52-38 win over UCF, and a relatively easy final three weeks
playing at Memphis, at Marshall, and at Tulane, the Pirates should be
able to coast into the title game. Houston lost to ECU in a 37-35
thriller in late September, but it’ll have its revenge after winning a
shootout at Tulsa on November 10th to all but clinch the
East.
Predicted Final East Pecking Order: 1) East Carolina, 2) UCF, 3)
Southern Miss 4) Memphis, 5) Marshall, 6) UAB
Predicted Final West Pecking Order: 1) Houston, 2) Tulsa, 3) UTEP,
4) Tulane, 5) SMU, 6) Rice
7. Your 2007 Mountain West Champion will be … The BYU Cougars
There’s still a lot of work to be done for Bronco Mendenhall’s club with
five straight Mountain West games to close out the year, but the Utah
and TCU games are in Provo and the Air Force and New Mexico games are
out of the way. There should be a fantastic race for the number two spot
with four two-loss teams still in the hunt to knock off New Mexico. Even
at 1-3, TCU is still lurking.
Predicted Final Pecking Order: 1) BYU, 2) Air Force, 3) Utah, 4)
New Mexico, 5) TCU, 6) Wyoming, 7) UNLV, 8) San Diego State, 9) Colorado
State
6. Your 2007 Big East Champion will be … The West Virginia
Mountaineers
It’s all set up perfectly for West Virginia to go back to the BCS
for the second time in three years, and the chance will be there for a
possible national title shot with the right breaks. The Mountaineers
gets Louisville, Connecticut and Pitt at home, but have a nasty
mid-November road test at Cincinnati to get by. Connecticut is the
flavor of the week after the big home win over South Florida, but it
still has to go on the road to face Cincinnati and West Virginia while
facing Rutgers at home this week. Don’t completely count out USF just
yet considering the toughest remaining road game is at Pitt. Cincinnati
will be the wild-card with home dates against West Virginia and
Connecticut and a road trip to South Florida.
Predicted Final Pecking Order: 1) West Virginia, 2) South Florida,
3) Connecticut, 4) Rutgers, 5) Cincinnati, 6) Louisville, 7) Pitt, 8)
Syracuse
5. Your 2007 Big Ten Champion will be … The Ohio State
Buckeyes
But I’m not sold that OSU will get through without a blemish. In
2004 Wisconsin upset the Buckeyes 24-13 in Columbus. In 2001 it was a
20-17 win. You have to go back to 1996 for the last time Ohio State beat
the Badgers at home, and while that’s not as severe as it appears, it’s
still a three-game streak. Of course, it’ll all come down to the
year-ender at Michigan, but don’t be shocked if the Badgers have other
ideas with a win over the Wolverines in Camp Randall.
Predicted Final Pecking Order: 1) Ohio State, 2) Michigan, 3)
Illinois, 4) Wisconsin, 5) Purdue, 6) Penn State, 7) Iowa, 8) Indiana,
9) Northwestern, 10) Michigan State, 11) Minnesota
4. Your 2007 ACC Champion will be … The Virginia Tech Hokies over
Boston College
It’s so hard to beat the same team twice. I’m a true believer in
Boston College, but the first 55 minutes in Blacksburg spoke just as
loudly as the final five. It should be a whale of a rematch if the
Eagles don’t stumble twice over a tough final month, but watch out for a
hot Wake Forest, winners of six straight with road trips to Virginia and
Clemson ahead. The Coastal Division will come down to the season-ender
when Virginia Tech goes to Virginia.
Predicted Final Atlantic Pecking Order: 1) Boston College, 2)
Clemson, 3) Wake Forest, 4) Florida State, 5) Maryland, 6) NC State
Predicted Final Coastal Pecking Order: 1) Virginia Tech, 2)
Virginia, 3) Georgia Tech, 4) Miami, 5) North Carolina, 6) Duke
3. Your 2007 Big 12 Champion will be … The Oklahoma Sooners over
Missouri
Oklahoma is the best team in the Big 12, but it’s inconsistent
enough, and flaky enough, to blow it in a loss in the title game, or
against Texas Tech and/or Oklahoma State. If the Bedlam game against the
Cowboys was in Stillwater, OSU would probably be the fashionable
surprise pick. Don’t fall asleep on Texas quite yet. OU has to lose
twice and the Longhorns have to win out, but the reverse happened last
year and the Sooners got into the title game.
The North is all about Kansas vs. Missouri in Kansas City on November 24th,
but Kansas State and Colorado should each have a say in the pecking
order. The Tigers still have to go on the road to face the Buffaloes and
Wildcats, while the Jayhawks still have to go to Oklahoma State.
Predicted Final North Pecking Order: 1) Missouri, 2) Kansas, 3)
Kansas State, 4) Colorado, 5) Nebraska, 6) Iowa State
Predicted Final South Pecking Order: 1) Oklahoma, 2) Texas, 3)
Oklahoma State, 4) Texas A&M, 5) Texas Tech, 6) Baylor
2. Your 2007 Pac 10 Champion will be … The Arizona State Sun Devils
The key player in what should be a wild finishing kick is UCLA, who
faces Arizona State and Oregon at home, and has to make a trip across
town to play USC. Until the Bruins play a big role, Oregon should be
able to get by Arizona State at home. However, with a loss already under
its belt, there can’t be another, and that’s where UCLA comes in. Flaky
enough to lose to anyone, but good enough to beat anyone, the Bruins
have one big statement yet to be made, and the call is that it’ll come
over the Ducks and not the Sun Devils. A one-loss ASU beats USC and
Arizona at home, gets by UCLA, and goes to Pasadena.
Predicted Final Pecking Order: 1) Arizona State, 2) Oregon, 3) USC,
4) UCLA, 5) Oregon State, 6) California, 7) Arizona, 8) Washington
State, 9) Stanford, 10) Washington
1. Your 2007 SEC Champion will be … The LSU Tigers over Georgia
Forgive me for getting wacky in what has been the wildest SEC season
in several years. Alabama and Nick Saban will get past LSU in a war.
Alabama lets down and loses at Mississippi State, and then blows the
shot at winning the West in yet another loss to Auburn.
In the East, Georgia will survive Auburn and will beat Kentucky, while
Tennessee, with everything set up perfectly, will get run over by
Arkansas and/or will lose at Kentucky. South Carolina will get by
Florida at home to be in the hunt until the end.
Predicted Final East Pecking Order: 1) Georgia, 2) Tennessee, 3)
South Carolina, 4) Florida, 5) Kentucky, 6) Vanderbilt
Predicted Final West Pecking Order: 1) LSU, 2) Auburn, 3) Alabama,
4) Mississippi State, 5) Arkansas, 6) Ole Miss
Right or wrong on the picks, I promise to update this over the
next few weeks.
Nuggets for the upcoming week, now made with white meat, at
participating restaurants …
- I know you can’t apply linear logic to every case when it comes to the
rankings (try to rank the SEC East teams), but a little common sense
would be nice. Wisconsin is playing extremely well, but it’s only a few
weeks removed from getting annihilated by Penn State and losing to
Illinois. Currently, the Badgers are 19th in the Coaches’
Poll, while Penn State 31st. Meanwhile, the Illini, who beat
the Nittany Lions, are 32nd. The Harris Poll has the same
problem.
- To stay on the riff, theoretically, if you lose to the number one team
in America, you shouldn’t drop in the polls, if at all. There’s no
reason to sink Penn State like a stone after losing to, perhaps, the
best team in college football.
- Trust me on this. The caramel apple cider thing at Starbucks. Trust
me.
- While I’m not necessarily picking the win, here’s your letdown alert
of the week to watch out for. Georgia is coming off the ultimate high in
the win over Florida and has Auburn up next week. Troy comes to Athens
on a six-game winning streak led by a defense that’s allowed a total of
30 points over the last four games. Yeah, Florida beat the Trojans 59-31
and Arkansas beat them 46-26. Even so, be careful.
- For all the excitement and fanfare, Washington is 0-5 in Pac 10 play
and on a six-game losing streak. Even a win at Stanford this week might
not end up being enough for the Dawgs to escape the cellar at the end of
the year.
- In a pinch for a Halloween costume? Wear a dark suit, get a pair of
glasses, and go as Secretary of Health and Human Services Michael O.
Leavitt. Anyone who gets the goofiness of your concept piece is worthy
of sharing a Milky Way with.
- Michigan State isn’t strange anymore, but once again it’s not playing
up to its capability week after week. There’s no reason this team should
lose to Iowa and Northwestern, and there’s no reason it should be 1-4 in
the Big Ten and 5-4 overall. With Michigan, at Purdue and Penn State
ahead, this could be yet another year when a certain bowl bid goes down
the tubes.
- Notre Dame has had two weeks off to prepare for a Navy team that just
got its doors blown off by Delaware. As bad as this season has been for
Charlie Weis, a loss to break the 43-game winning streak over the
Midshipmen would take the grouchiness to another level.
C.O.W. shameless gimmick item … The weekly five
Overrated/Underrated aspects of the world
1) Overrated:
The Trinity play vs.
Millsaps ... Underrated: Weber State 73, Portland State
68
2) Overrated: NFL in London … Underrated: Penn State’s White Out
3) Overrated: Seal ... Underrated: Burj Dubai
4) Overrated: Xavier Lee ... Underrated: Drew Weatherford
5) Overrated:
Hawaii at 14
... Underrated:
Boise State at 22
My Heisman ballot this week would be … I vote based on a
combination of three things: Most valuable player, most outstanding
player, and the signature player of the season. I might wildly change my
mind weekly, but I’ll sort it all out at the end. 1) Matt Ryan, QB
Boston College, 2) Pat White, QB West Virginia, 3) Tim Tebow, QB
Florida, 4) Dennis Dixon, QB Oregon, 5) Todd Boeckman, QB Ohio State
“You know I'm born to lose, and gambling's for fools/But that's the
way I like it baby, I don't wanna live forever” … The three lines
this week that appear to be a tad off. (Rolling baby … 2-1 for two weeks
in a row. 9-16 overall.) … 1) Maryland +3 over North Carolina, 2) UTEP
-7 over Rice, 3) Wisconsin +16 over Ohio State
Sorry this column sucked, but it wasn’t my fault … I thought I
wrote a good column and had it all wrapped up, but I decide to stop for
some reason while Trinity pitched the ball around 15 times before Riley
Curry ran for a touchdown. After a minute, I got tired and just wanted
it to all be over.