Fiu's Cavalcade of
Whimsy
a.k.a.
Frank Costanza's Festivus Airing of the Grievances
By
Pete Fiutak
What's your beef? ... E-mail with your
thoughts
Past Whimsies
2006 Season | Preseason
Part One,
Part Two |
Week 1
Week
2 |
Week 3
|
Week 4
|
Week 5
|
Week 6
|
Week 7
|
Week 8
Week 9
If this column sucks, it’s not my
fault … unlike Navy’s
futility against Notre Dame, the current streak of sucky columns didn’t
stop at 43.
“Yes a mighty winds a blowin’, cross
the land and cross the sea/It’s blowin’ peace and freedom, it’s blowin’
equality/Yes it’s blowin’ peace and freedom, it’s blowin’ you and me” …
The ill-fated decision by Charlie Weis to go for it against Navy on
fourth and eight with 45 seconds to play with the score tied, rather
than try for a 41-yard field goal because of a little wind and the lack
of his kicker’s range, and Ram Vela’s flying sack of Evan Sharpley to
stop the play cold, might go down as the signature moment in the most
historic season in Notre Dame football history. It was the ultimate
microcosm of the season Weis is having.
First, there’s no excuse for Notre Dame to not have a kicker good enough
to try a 41-yard field goal with a puff of wind blowing. It’s not like
it was a 57-yard bomb; it was a reasonable distance, especially if you
include the adrenaline factor, for most D-I kickers to attempt. Of
course, there was the nor’easter that was tossing fans around Notre Dame
Stadium like confetti.
Second, it shows that Weis, like most of the NBC Saturday afternoon
audience, hasn’t been paying attention to his team. If he had, he
would’ve noticed an offense that’s among the most miserable in the
nation in passing efficiency, and 115th in the nation in
third down conversions, completing just 28.6%, meaning the attack is
never clutch when it has to be. Yes, the Irish has been solid on fourth
downs, but those attempts were almost all from three yards or fewer.
Third, there was a decent chance the Notre Dame offensive line that’s
dead last in America in sacks allowed, giving up 43 on the year after
the loss to Navy, was going to fall over thanks to the typhoon that
unleashed its wrath of terror upon South Bend, and there was no chance
of stopping Navy pass rush on the biggest play of the game, to that
point, if it sold out to get to the quarterback.
So basically, 1) Weis didn’t recruit a reliable kicker, 2) he made a bad
judgment call, 3) it was a worse judgment call considering his
personnel, and 4) it was horrendous execution. Other than that, well
done.
And by the way, UCF, under head coach George O’Leary, is 6-3 …
No, Weis shouldn’t be fired. This might be a disastrous season with no
hope in sight for a big turnaround in 2008, but this is just one year
after doing the BCS thing for two straight seasons. Give him one more
chance to see if this whole thing really is a fluke. With that said, if
you want him fired, don’t bring up the contract as a reason to keep him
around. Notre Dame has a $6.5 billion endowment. B-B-Billion. The Irish
can get back most of the $25 million left on the deal with one extra
collection at Sacred Heart.
In the most interesting marriage since Liza and David Gest …
Notre Dame, now you need the Big Ten. Big Ten, since your network has
about ten minutes of juice left unless you get those cable companies to
come around, and the national respect factor is at a stunning low, you
need Notre Dame. If this was ever going to get done, and if the misnamed
conference of 11 teams was ever going to add, this would be the time.
In a battle only slightly less gripping than the Illinois win over
Minnesota … Most of America saw the final score of the Wisconsin –
Ohio State game, 38-17 Buckeyes, and just assumed it was a blowout.
Wisconsin battled hard for three quarters before its banged up defense
got plowed over by the OSU offensive line allowing Chris Wells to keep
cutting back and cutting back for big yards. Of course, few saw this
game since it was on the Big Ten Network, with a contract stating that
every team has to be on once for a league game. Ohio State hadn’t been
on yet.
The BTN wants cable companies to simply add the channel to their
lineups, at a potentially heavy price for everyone involved, including
the customers, while Comcast, among others, wants to put it in a
separate sports package and charge extra for it. Sorry BTN, but this
one’s real simple: the cable companies are in the right.
If you really need to see Big Ten sports, then you won’t flinch at
either making the switch to DirecTV, or paying $1 a month extra. Make it
a premium channel and charge $12 a year, a pittance compared the cost of
going to just one game. Sorry BTN, but if you didn’t think you could
make it on a “sports tier” of programming, then you didn’t think this
thing through.
With that said, the BTN is terrific for die-hard college football fans,
especially with the replays of the games over the weekend, and I hope
the SEC and others will follow suit, albeit with a better business plan.
Make sure the SafeSearch is on when you commence Googling. Or if
you’re having an icky day, don’t. … Big Ten Network, you really want
to end this pillow fight with the cable companies, right? Stop with the
snoozer public relations campaign and rhetoric and get the public on
your side with a simple one-line press release. “Charissa Thompson is
the sideline reporter for the featured Big Ten game of the week.”
But let’s see the Broncos return a missed field goal 109 yards for a
score … How great were the 2006 Big 12 defenses? How about the Boise
State run defense of last season? Minnesota Viking star Adrian Peterson
is ripping through NFL defenses like they’re on the way to Roger
Goodell’s office to explain what it means to “make it rain,” highlighted
by his NFL record-setting 296-yard day against San Diego. His best day
as a Sooner? 240 yards against Baylor in 2004. He only hit 200 once last
year, against Oregon, and was held to 77 by Boise State.
If you listen quietly, you can hear him tear off another 13-yard run
against the Gamecocks ... A few weeks ago, there was a little bit of
buzz about Boston College’s Matt Ryan being the possible top pick in the
2008 NFL Draft. Now it’s all about Arkansas RB Darren McFadden, assuming
he skips his senior year. Watch out for several teams to move heaven and
earth to get college football’s ultimate home run hitter, as rumors are
already starting that Dallas Cowboy owner Jerry Jones will do just about
anything to pair the Hog star in the backfield with the new Mr. Britney
Spears.
By my rough estimate, right now McFadden would start for at least 22 NFL
teams, and I’m including Seattle, Philadelphia, and Baltimore. It’s
probably closer to 24 if St. Louis star Steven Jackson is hurting and if
you want Reggie Bush to fill a do-it-all role for New Orleans. Only
Buffalo (Marshawn Lynch), Pittsburgh (Willie Parker), Indianapolis
(Joseph Addai), Kansas City (Larry Johnson), San Diego (LaDainian
Tomlinson), Washington (Clinton Portis), Minnesota (Adrian Peterson),
and Arizona (Edgerrin James) would likely stick with the current
starter.
He’s right, but after returning, Dorsey bought himself a few more
yachts to waterski behind … Give CBS’s fantastic analyst Gary
Danielson credit for seeing the big picture when it comes to the top
players. When LSU star DT Glenn Dorsey, an almost certain top three pick
in next year’s NFL Draft, if not No. 1 overall, was on the turf hurting
against Alabama, as he was still trying to get healthy after a cheap
shot block suffered against Auburn, Danielson suggested that Dorsey not
play because there’s too much at stake. He’s right. Dorsey is
potentially risking around $25 million in guaranteed money every time he
steps on the field for the Tigers. While I agree with Danielson, and
think players like Darren McFadden and Kentucky’s Andre Woodson are nuts
for playing one more down of college football than they have to, they’re
not going for a national title. Dorsey is, and that’s the difference.
You can’t buy that, unless you’re …
Announcer:
“Big Ern, a million dollars. What are you going to do with it?
Big Ern: “l don't know. All l know is, l finally got enough money
that l can buy my way out of anything.” … Fully realizing I’m about
to become one of those brainless zombies who ignored the grand jury
testimony, the personality, and all the obvious evidence to suggest that
Barry Bonds cheated his way to the home run record, I simply don’t care
about the Reggie Bush situation with the sports marketing firm that
allegedly gave him money while he was at USC. If Bush had cheated on an
exam, done steroids, got caught spying on the other team’s plays, or
ordered a water and filled it with Sprite at the drink machine, then
we’d have a problem. Take money from anyone who wants to give it to him?
Whatever. It’s business. With that said, if you want kick Pete Carroll
back to the NFL, this investigation, and any potential probation, could
turn out to be your shot.
Martin Prince: “As your president, I would demand a
science-fiction library, featuring an ABC of the genre. Asimov, Bester,
Clarke.”
Student: “What about Ray Bradbury?”
Martin Prince: “I’m aware of his work.” …
I’m still sticking to my core belief that
Peyton Manning will never win a big game. Yes, I know. I still believe.
And after the handshake he told Miles to “Stay gold, Ponyboy. Stay
gold.” … Bobby Knight once joked when he was at Indiana about being
worried during a tight game against LSU, but then feeling better
when he looked down the sideline and remembering that Dale Brown was
still coaching the Tigers.
No, LSU’s win over Alabama didn’t prove that Les Miles is the better
coach than Nick Saban. Bama is good, but the talent level isn’t even
close between the two. All Miles proved was that he could pull out a
tight game on the road. During the congratulatory post-game handshake,
Saban said to Miles, “You’ve got a great team. Good luck to you.” While
he was paying a compliment, part of Saban had to be making a comment on
the talent he helped compile.
With that said, remember, Saban only had one year at LSU with fewer than
three losses. Miles is almost certain to make it three for three on
seasons with fewer than three losses. Yeah, Miles is doing this with a
slew of Saban’s players, but he’s doing better overall with Saban’s
players than Saban did.
The C.O.W. airing of the grievances followed by the feats of strength
We’re still a few weeks away from the end of the regular season, but by
this point, it’s relatively easy to figure out who the best and worst
coaches of the year have been. So while this might change a little, here
are the five best and worst coaching jobs done this season.
Worst Coaching Job of the Year – Fifth Place
Phil Bennett, SMU
Piling on the already canned, Bennett was supposed to turn SMU into a
player in the Conference USA race with a veteran offensive line,
emerging playmakers on defense, and a star QB in Justin Willis to work
around. The Mustangs are 1-8, with the one win coming against North
Texas, and are winless in conference play.
Worst Coaching Job of the Year – Fourth Place
Sonny Lubick, Colorado State
With nine starters back on offense, the return of bruising back Kyle
Bell, a great receiving corps, and a veteran defense, Colorado State had
all the pieces in place for a resurgent year. The Rams beat UNLV, but
that’s been it in a 1-8 season.
Worst Coaching Job of the Year – Third Place
Tim Brewster, Minnesota
Brewster was a controversial hire to begin with, a relative no-name who
didn’t provide the splash that Gopher fans wanted after the not-that-bad
Glen Mason era, and then he took a team that was an all-timer of a Texas
Tech comeback away from being a bowl winner and made it among the worst
teams in America. At 1-9, Minnesota’s only win came in overtime to Miami
University early in the year, while there have been losses to Bowling
Green and Florida Atlantic. The defense is dead last in America allowing
549 yards per game. However, Brewster was hired because he could
recruit, so he’ll get time.
Worst Coaching Job of the Year – Second Place
Bill Callahan, Nebraska
The cupboard is hardly bare. Callahan recruited well, but his team
has completely collapsed on him, especially on defense. No, the Huskers
haven’t quit; they’re simply awful. There are too many great athletes
and too many top talents on the team to be giving up 240 rushing yards
per game. The biggest problem has been the lines, a staple of the Husker
program for so many years.
Worst Coaching Job of the Year – First Place
Charlie Weis, Notre Dame
Where are the reinforcements to take over for Brady Quinn, Jeff
Samardzija and Darius Walker? Where are the linemen? Two BCS seasons
should have stocked the shelves, but instead there appears to either be
a woeful lack of talent, or good young players who aren’t being coached
correctly. Notre Dame is dead-last in the nation in total offense, dead
last in sacks allowed, 116th in passing efficiency, and 1-8
after doing the unthinkable and allowing the 43-year winning streak over
Navy end,
Best Coaching Job of the Year – Fifth Place
(tie) Turner Gill, Buffalo & Al Golden, Temple
Buffalo and Temple haven’t just been lousy programs, they’ve been
bad on an all-time scale. Gill and Golden have become two of college
football’s most dynamic new head coaches who have done the impossible to
make their woebegone teams relevant. Buffalo and Temple were actually in
the MAC title hunt going into November.
Best Coaching Job of the Year – Fourth Place
Les Miles, LSU
He might have a heater hand, but he has had to work to keep this
ultra-talented team in the national title hunt. Some of his calls might
have been nutty, but the fourth down plays against Florida, the fake
field goal flip against South Carolina, the late deep ball call against
Auburn, as misguided as that might have been, and the last few minutes
against Alabama all worked out for the Tigers. Miles has given the team
a swagger under all the pressure.
Best Coaching Job of the Year – Third Place
Lloyd Carr, Michigan
Yes, that Lloyd Carr. Think of where this team was on September 8th.
The defense was supposedly too slow. The team was about to be in for the
season Notre Dame is dealing with. There was no hope in sight, and Carr
was as good as canned. And then the wins started coming, winning eight
in a row going into the Wisconsin showdown, and Carr and his staff have
done it with QB Chad Henne and Heisman-caliber RB Mike Hart getting
hurt.
Best Coaching Job of the Year – Second Place
Troy Calhoun, Air Force
Air Force had become irrelevant, making the most news in recent
years for the controversy around former head man Fisher DeBerry and his
remarks about needing more black players. Calhoun has stepped in and
turned things around in his first year, leading the way to a 7-3 mark
with wins over Utah and TCU. Remember, Air Force is a service academy
with a limited talent level.
Best Coaching Job of the Year – First Place
Mark Mangino, Kansas
All Mangino has done is take a team full of average high school
prospects and molding them into the number four team in America. Kansas
isn’t just beating teams, it’s killing them, ranking second in the
nation in scoring, second in scoring defense, and is now a position to
possibly play for the national title by winning out. Talent-wise, the
Jayhawks aren’t even close compared to most of the Big 12, but they’ve
still been dominant. Yeah, the schedule stinks, but this is Kansas.
Kansas?!
The 2007 Coaching Status For Every Team
As the saying goes, coaches, like Subway Sandwich Artists, are hired to
be fired. At this point in the year, fan bases start of the
underachieving start to wonder about the possibility of getting a new
head coach to turn things around, but which ones are really in trouble?
Here’s a quick breakdown of all 119 coaching situations.
100% job security for 2008.
They’re not likely to bolt for at least a year, and won’t be fired
unless they get arrested for tapping toes in a Minneapolis airport
bathroom.
Air Force: Troy Calhoun; Alabama: Nick Saban;
Arizona State: Dennis Erickson; Army: Stan Brock; Boston College: Jeff Jagodzinski; Bowling
Green: Gregg Brandon; Central Michigan: Butch Jones;
Cincinnati: Brian Kelly; Clemson: Tommy Bowden; Colorado:
Dan Hawkins; Connecticut: Randy Edsall; East Carolina:
Skip Holtz; Florida Atlantic: Howard Schnellenberger; Florida
International: Mario Cristobal; Fresno State: Pat Hill;
Georgia: Mark Richt; Georgia Tech: Chan Gailey; Hawaii:
June Jones. Houston: Art Briles; Idaho: Robb Akey;
Illinois: Ron Zook; Indiana: Bill Lynch; Iowa: Kirk
Ferentz; Iowa State: Gene Chizik; Kansas: Mark Mangino;
Kansas State: Ron Prince; Kentucky: Rich Brooks; Louisiana
Tech: Derek Dooley; Louisville: Steve Kragthorpe; Miami:
Randy Shannon; Miami University: Shane Montgomery;
Michigan State: Mark Dantonio; Middle Tennessee: Rick
Stockstill; Mississippi State: Sylvester Croom; Missouri:
Gary Pinkel; Navy: Paul Johnson; Nevada: Chris Ault;
New Mexico: Rocky Long; New Mexico State: Hal Mumme; North
Carolina: Butch Davis; North Texas: Todd Dodge; Northern
Illinois: Joe Novak; Northwestern: Pat Fitzgerald; NC
State: Tom O’Brien; Ohio: Frank Solich; Ohio State:
Jim Tressel; Oklahoma: Bob Stoops; Oklahoma State: Mike
Gundy; Oregon: Mike Bellotti; Purdue: Joe Tiller; Rutgers: Greg Schiano;
San Jose State: Dick Tomey; South Carolina: Steve Spurrier;
South Florida: Jim Leavitt; Southern Miss: Jeff Bower;
TCU: Gary Patterson; Texas: Mack Brown; Texas Tech:
Mike Leach; Toledo: Tom Amstutz; Troy: Larry Blakeney; Tulane:
Bob Toledo; Utah: Kyle Whittingham; UAB: Neil Callaway;
Vanderbilt: Bobby Johnson; Virginia: Al Groh; Virginia Tech:
Frank Beamer; Wake Forest: Jim Grobe; West Virginia: Rich
Rodriguez; Western Michigan: Bill Cubit; Wisconsin: Bret
Bielema; Wyoming: Joe Glenn
“This is too nice a suit to ruin, Mr. Takagi. I'm going to count to
three. There will not be a four. Give me the code.”
A.K.A. Double Secret Probation. They’ll probably be back, but 2008
had better be big.
Akron: J.D. Brookhart; Arkansas: Houston Nutt; Arizona:
Mike Stoops; Baylor: Guy Morriss; Arkansas State: Steve
Roberts; Kent State: Doug Martin; Colorado State: Sonny
Lubick; Maryland: Ralph Friedgen; Memphis: Tommy West;
Minnesota: Tim Brewster; Ole Miss: Ed Orgeron; Notre Dame:
Charlie Weis; Oregon State: Mike Riley; Rice: David
Bailiff; San Diego State: Chuck Long; UNLV: Mike Sanford;
Pitt: Dave Wannstedt; Washington: Tyrone Willingham;
UTEP: Mike Price
Flip a Coin.
Job is secure, but these coaches are 50/50 to be around with the
same program for the next few years. They might retire or move on to
another gig.
Auburn:
Tommy Tuberville; Ball State: Brady Hoke; Boise State: Chris Petersen;
Buffalo: Turner Gill; BYU: Bronco Mendenhall;
California: Jeff Tedford; Florida: Urban Meyer; Florida
State: Bobby Bowden; LSU: Les Miles; Michigan: Lloyd
Carr; Penn State: Joe Paterno; Stanford: Jim Harbaugh;
Temple: Al Golden; Tennessee: Phillip Fulmer; Tulsa:
Todd Graham; UCF: George O’Leary; USC: Pete Carroll
Lost All Their L.A. Privileges.
Stay gone and be gone. It’ll be a stunner if they keep a parking
spot past 2007.
Duke: Ted Roof; Eastern Michigan: Jeff Genyk; Marshall:
Mark Snyder; Nebraska: Bill Callahan; SMU: Phil Bennett
(already fired); Syracuse: Greg Robinson; Texas A&M:
Dennis Franchione; UCLA: Karl Dorrell; UL Lafayette:
Rickey Bustle; UL Monroe: Charlie Weatherbie; Utah State:
Brent Guy; Washington State: Bill Doba
Nuggets for the upcoming week, now made with white meat, at
participating restaurants …
- The toughest award call of the year isn’t the Heisman, it’s for the
first team All-Conference USA running backs. Tulane’s Matt Forte leads
the nation in rushing averaging 182 yards per game. UCF’s Kevin Smith is
second with a 161-yard average. Houston’s Anthony Alridge, one of the
nation’s most dynamic playmakers, is seventh averaging 135 yards per
game, and East Carolina’s Chris Johnson leads the nation in all-purpose
yards after a 301-yard rushing day vs. Memphis. Pick two. Good luck.
- The second toughest award call of the year: three linebackers for the
first team All-Big Ten squad. Most would immediately put Ohio State’s
James Laurinaitis on the list, especially after being everywhere in the
win over Wisconsin, but Penn State’s Dan Connor has been the best
linebacker in the conference, and in America. Illinois senior J Leman
has once again been a tackling machine for an underrated run defense,
Penn State’s Sean Lee has been a perfect sidekick to Connor, and is
third in the Big Ten in tackles, and Iowa’s Mike Humpal leads the league
in stops. Michigan’s Shawn Crable has been a terror in the backfield as
one of the nation’s most disruptive players. There’s no right answer,
but if pushed, it has to be Connor, Crable, and then a battle for the
third spot, with Laurinaitis in as the leader of the top ranked D.
- For years, Nebraska fans have been lauded for the way they politely
clap for the vanquished opposing team after home games. The shoe was on
the other foot this week as Kansas fans clapped for the Nebraska as it
walked off the field. Several Nebraska fans have commented on how
condescending the nice gesture really feels to the other side.
- Watch out for Arkansas. The SEC world could get even more bizarre in
the coming weeks if the Hogs really have found their stride making a
trip to Tennessee this week, playing Mississippi State to follow, and
then going to Baton Rouge with a chance to put a damper on LSU’s dream
year.
- Before kicking Karl Dorrell out to the curb, it would be interesting
to see what UCLA could do with a healthy quarterback. What was once an
abundance of riches with Ben Olsen and Pat Cowan has quickly
disintegrated into a nightmare, and the team’s season has followed suit.
- The nation’s hottest offense? Texas Tech? Hawaii? Try Toledo. The
Rockets have been unstoppable in a 4-1 surge averaging 581 yards
and 46.6 points per game. The next game is on November 13th
against a Ball State defense currently ranked 92nd in the
nation in total D.
C.O.W. shameless gimmick item … The weekly five
Overrated/Underrated aspects of the world
1) Overrated:
35 carries for 323
yards vs. South Carolina ... Underrated: 36 carries for
321 yards vs. South Carolina
2) Overrated: Tom Brady … Underrated: Danny Wuerffel
3) Overrated: 296 yards vs. the San Diego Chargers ... Underrated:
Southern Connecticut State’s Jerom Freeman’s D-II record 418 yards vs.
Bryant
4) Overrated: Three Big 12 teams in the top 6 ... Underrated: Three Big
Ten teams from 23 to 31
5) Overrated:
T. Boone Pickens
... Underrated:
Phil Knight
My Heisman ballot this week would be … I vote based on a
combination of three things: Most valuable player, most outstanding
player, and the signature player of the season. I might wildly change my
mind weekly, but I’ll sort it all out at the end. 1) Dennis Dixon, QB
Oregon, 2) Tim Tebow, QB Florida,
3) Pat White, QB West Virginia, 4)
Darren McFadden, RB Arkansas, 5) Chase Daniel, QB Missouri
“You know I'm born to lose, and gambling's for fools/But that's the
way I like it baby, I don't wanna live forever” … The three lines
this week that appear to be a tad off. (Ugh. Back to 0-3. Thanks
Maryland, UTEP and Wisconsin for collapsing late … 9-19 overall.) … 1)
Iowa -14 over Minnesota, 2) Air Force -2.5 over Notre Dame, 3) Central
Michigan -3 over Western Michigan
Sorry this column sucked, but it wasn’t my fault … it wasn’t rock
bottom. Losing to USC 38-0 and knowing the column wasn’t competitive,
that was rock bottom.