Petrino to Arkansas: Infidelity in the SEC

Bobby Petrino, in a heartbeat, bolted from the Atlanta Falcons after less than one full season to become the new head coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks late Tuesday night. If the striking television writers ever get back to work, they ought to create a primetime soap opera about the Southeastern Conference and its out-of-control football coaches.

Just how absurd is life in the SEC these days? Bobby Petrino's return to the conference creates a remarkable series of convergences and coincidences that--in a sane world--would never have been allowed to take place. In the SEC, though, sanity is a quality that's all too lacking for most institutions and their fan bases. The very reason why the SEC is America's best and most cutthroat conference is also the reason why Southern college football is in need of a major dose of perspective, a ringing reality check of biblical proportions. Follow the bouncing ball, as you try to absorb just how twisted, two-timing and dysfunctional the world of the SEC has become:

Just hours after Auburn offensive coordinator Al Borges resigned, one of his predecessors came back to the SEC. Just a few weeks after Auburn head coach Tommy Tuberville rejected the Arkansas job, a former Tuberville assistant high-tailed it to Hog Haven while evoking fresh memories of Nick Saban in the process. That ex-offensive coordinator and former Tuberville assistant could only be one and the same man: the liar himself, Bobby Petrino. Yes, that Bobby Petrino--the same fellow who covertly tried to engineer a palace coup and unseat Tuberville as the Auburn head coach just one year before Borges would come aboard and team up with Jason Campbell (Petrino's former pupil) to lead Auburn to a perfect season.

That one collection of realities offers enough material for a 30-episode season of "SEC Soaps," doesn't it? But as they say in the infomercials, "But wait! There's more!"

If LSU gave the Southeastern Conference its ultimate on-field soap opera in 2007, Arkansas has offered the SEC a soapy set of silly scenarios off the field. Fresh from the signature craziness that was the final two years of the Houston Nutt era, the Hogs had a gift named Bobby Petrino fall in their lap Tuesday night... albeit from a man as ethically challenged and morally bankrupt as Saban, the onetime LSU coach and current Alabama boss.

As exciting as LSU's on-field season proved to be, the Bayou Bengals--with considerable help from Michigan administrators--entered the world of off-field intrigue by giving the college football world the Les Miles saga, a drawn-out drama which is still continuing even after Miles inked a new contract. The hiring of Petrino at Arkansas is so deliciously ironic in relationship to LSU because it was none other than Petrino who flirted with LSU around the time of Louisville's 2004 Liberty Bowl against Boise State... precisely when Nick Saban was in the process of bolting Baton Rouge for the Miami Dolphins, and leaving Tiger fans with a fat lump of Christmas coal in their stockings.

Petrino used that seductive sashay with LSU (ironically, just days after inking a new contract with Louisville... sound familiar, LSU fans?) to improve his image among Cardinal fans, who cheered his name after winning that Liberty Bowl to complete a triumphant 12-1 season. Just a year later, after repeatedly pronouncing his undivided loyalty to Louisville, Petrino--with Brian Brohm returning for a senior season and a shot at a national championship--dashed to Atlanta to scratch his NFL itch. Louisville fans were left in the ditch, but as soon as the Cards stopped winning, the locals wanted the head of their new coach, Steve Kragthorpe.

Are you tired yet? If so, that's too bad, because there's still a lot more to this interconnected infrastructure of insanity.

One of Petrino's regular opponents at Arkansas will be Saban, now the Alabama coach. Let's go to the files, shall we?

On Dec. 21, 2006, Saban said, "I guess I have to say it, I'm not going to be the Alabama coach... there's no significance, in my opinion, about this, about me, about any interest I have in anything other than being the coach here (with the Dolphins)."

Last week, when asked point-blank about the subject of pursuing a college job, Petrino said the following to Jeff Schultz of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution: "My plans are to be here (in Atlanta), there’s no question about that. I get asked the same question every day, and that’s my plan.”

Funny how quickly plans change, eh, Bobby boy?

But this story only gets better. The same Alabama fans who welcomed Saban with open arms were indignant five years ago when a man named Dennis Franchione bolted Alabama. Fran the Man left Tuscaloosa because of various sanctions that gave the coach the feeling that he could back out of a commitment. The reason? The Bama job--in the form of a hamstrung program that couldn't qualify for the SEC Championship Game (which Bama would have made in 2002 if not for penalties)--didn't give him what he signed up for. Hardship? Oh, must be time to leave. Sorry, Tide fans. Love, Fran.

Hmmm... sound familiar? Seems as though Bobby Petrino left Atlanta in the blink (or is it Blank, as in team owner Arthur Blank?) of an eye for the same set of reasons. No Michael Vick, no freedom from drama, and no ideal situation meant no sticking around for anything more than one full season. Heck, Petrino couldn't even complete one full season in the Georgia Dome, the very place he hopes to lead the Hogs in a short period of time. Gosh, Southern football is getting so dadgum soap-operatic that seemingly outlandish scenarios are getting repeated nowadays. Ho, hum.

And while the memory of Dennis Franchione is still in the air, another thought is worth articulating: who was the man who flirted with Texas A&M, the school that once embraced the ethically challenged ex-coach of Alabama? Why, shugah-plum, it would be none other than one Thomas Tuberville, the man whom Bobby Petrino tried to ambush four years ago in the company of then-Auburn President William Walker on that clandestine meeting just before the 2003 Iron Bowl. And oh, what other school tried to lure Tuberville away from Auburn just days ago? Why, honey-bunch, it would be none other than Arkansas. My goodness. There's enough infidelity here to make a drill sergeant blush in embarrassment.

You know, someone should arrange it so that Louisville and Texas A&M could be members of the SEC West, and ship Mississippi State to the SEC East to create a 14-team superleague with two seven-team divisions. The seven-team Western Division would read like this:

LSU: Dumped by Saban; courted by Petrino; confused by Miles. The best program in the division, but--ironically--the biggest victim in the division as well. LSU has acted much more honorably than any of its counterparts in the SEC West, although Les Miles' lack of real commitment shouldn't be rewarded with a truckload of fresh cash. Why not give Michigan the chance to hire the game-management flunkie so he can lose to Jim Tressel on an annual basis in a Big Ten rivalry game?

Alabama: Dumped by Fran; courter of Mike Price, who subsequently courted a stripper in Pensacola, Fla.; courter of Mike Shula on the rebound; dumper of Shula (thanks for saving our program, Mike); wooer of Saban... for a big price and just a 6-6 record, including a loss to Louisiana-Monroe.

Auburn: Mistreater of Tuberville; former employer of Petrino; former "friend with benefits" of Petrino in that naughty one-night stand four years ago; newly loyal and seemingly chastened advocate of Tuberville; new division rival for Petrino; continuing rival of Saban and Miles.

Texas A&M: Hired Fran from Bama; embarrassed by Fran; courted Tuberville; rebuffed by Tuberville; seemingly on the prowl for coaches from Alabama state schools. (Might as well be in the division inhabited by Bama and Auburn then, right?)

Louisville: Hired Petrino; almost lost Petrino to Auburn; almost lost Petrino to LSU; coughed up a king's ransom for Petrino (as Alabama did for Saban); still lost Petrino anyway; has a fan base that wanted the new coach (forget how honorable he was as a human person) out after one bad season (gee, sounds like the SEC to me--come on down!).

Ole Miss: Former employer of Tuberville, back in the 20th century... kinda like the Paleozoic Era; killed David Cutcliffe (cause of death: backstabbing) in 2004; hired Ed Orgeron; killed Orgeron a few weeks ago (cause of death: backstabbing); hired Houston Nutt hours after Nutt stepped down at Arkansas to escape the madness and dysfunctionality so rampant in Fayetteville (hah!).

Arkansas: Couldn't stand being mediocre under Danny Ford; hired Nutt; watched Nutt go 75-48 in 10 seasons; didn't want Nutt around anymore (not enough, anyway); snubbed by Tuberville and a whole boatload of other coaches, as was the case with the basketball job when it opened up last spring; found by Bobby Petrino in much the same way that Franchione found A&M the moment his Bama job became inconvenient.

Ladies and gentlemen, the seven members of the SEC West, aka, the Infidelity Division!

Seriously, though, everything you've just read is pretty mind-numbing, isn't it? Nothing surprises anymore in the world of the SEC and, by extension, Southern football, which--depending on your regional or geographical perceptions--could be said to extend to the football-mad state of Texas.

It is worth mentioning, then, that infidelity--while obviously associated with a certain type of sinning--is a sin that goes beyond human bodies mingling under sheets in inappropriate circumstances. Infidelity means a lack of faith in general, not just a betrayal of a spouse. A person's word is his or her bond--at least, that's what we're taught when we grow up, right? Fidelity ought to be extended to every human person and--for those religiously inclined--to the divine entity believed to have created every person.

Simply stated, there's little fidelity left in the SEC these days, especially in the SEC West. One has to ask this question of Becky Petrino, wife of Bobby, and Terry Saban, wife of Nick: Do you ever wake up at night and think about your husband's infidelity? No, not in relationship to you as a spouse, but to the people and institutions who were promised loyalty but then given a heaping helping of betrayal?

One also has to ask this question to SEC fans at schools so hungry to win games that they throw obscene amounts of money at lying carpetbaggers and morally-challenged nomads: what price victory? What hath we wrought here? Is winning on Saturdays worth this kind of prostituting? Aren't you sick and tired of all the infidelity going around?

No sexual relationships are involved in this larger story involving Bobby Petrino and SEC coaches. Only Mike Price and Alabama had that kind of "infidelity problem" four years ago, and Alabama WAS morally offended enough to immediately terminate Price's employment at the school, a fact worth thinking about for more than a little while.

But in returning to the subject of Southern football and its annual coaching carousel, let's make no mistake about the situation in front of us: what we see in college football these days--and especially in the SEC West during this time of year, every year--is a whole lot of whoring.

The seductive mistress isn't clad in lingerie, however; it's a football school nakedly hungering for the ecstasy of the primal scream of "YES!" that comes from a Saturday triumph and a championshp trophy in the Georgia Dome on the first Saturday of December. (Wait a minute... LSU's SEC title didn't seem to be that big of a deal until West Virginia and Missouri lost later that day to put LSU into the national title game... Oh, sorry, wrong column. That's for another day.)

Want to know what's wrong with America? Just look at the football coaches in the SEC West, with the notable and honorable exception of Mississippi State's Sylvester Croom, a pillar of integrity amidst a sea of infidelity. Bobby Petrino's dash to Arkansas, before the end of his first NFL season in Atlanta, is an all-too-familiar move from a coach who just might be worse than Nick Saban when it comes to displaying sound ethics and morals. Another world-class liar is back in the SEC again, after a brief affair with a pro team that was dumped in the dark of night. The world of sports, and the college football community in particular, are poorer as a result of this latest event that only adds to the Atlanta Falcons' year of unending misery.

(Side question: who's had a worse year--the Falcons or the New York Knicks? The Knicks have actually had to deal with sexual infidelity, but again, that's not the only form of that sin...)

Does Arkansas now have a talented coach and a gifted offensive mind who is likely to compile some impressive results? Yes.

Know something else? It's virtually impossible to get excited about such a probability anymore.

The man who will compile those results in Fayetteville is a man who probably won't stay in town very long. Another hooker... errr, uhhh, football program... will offer a new version of pigskin eye candy to Bobby Petrino, and the nomadic coach will be seduced once again. Jaded and disillusioned football observers won't be the slightest bit surprised, but one would do well to keep asking the question, anyway: "Becky Petrino, what do you think of your husband's latest act of infidelity?"