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2008 Kickoff Cavalcade of Whimsy, Part Two
BYU OT Dallas Reynolds
BYU OT Dallas Reynolds
Posted Aug 22, 2008

In part two of the 2008 Kickoff Cavalcade of Whimsy Extravaganza of Import, here's how the season is going to play out. Which teams will be eliminated from the title chase early on? Who'll be playing for the whole ball of wax? Next is part three with all the wacky call, picks, and random musings.

Fiu's Cavalcade of Whimsy

a.k.a. Frank Costanza's Festivus Airing of the Grievances

The Kickoff Extravaganza of Import ... Part 2

By Pete Fiutak   
What's your beef? ... Fire off your thoughts  
Past Whimsies
2006 Season | 2007 Season

Part One The Way Too Long Kickoff to the Season
Part Three
The 5 wacky calls and 10 things to be grouchy about

Of course, you’ve gone through each juice tidbit of the 2008 Preview reading every word of every preview like it was Gospel. Now you know all about the Akron offensive line and the Idaho special teams. Now it’s time to tell you how the story ends.

If you’re not one of those people who records a game on the DVR and then fast forwards to the end, then stop reading this right now. I’ve seen the future and am about to tell you what’s going to happen this season and how the national title chase will play out. Read it, and then go off and do something more interesting with your life.

August 27th – All teams not in a BCS league receive a letter from the BCS committee informing them that they’re officially eliminated from BCS Championship Game contention.

August 28th – The season begins. Even though almost everyone kicks off their season two days later, every BCS conference team other than Ohio State, USC, Florida, Georgia, LSU, Oklahoma, Wisconsin, Auburn, Texas Tech (yes, Texas Tech), Missouri, Tennessee, Clemson, and West Virginia receives a letter from the BCS committee informing them that they’re officially eliminated from BCS Championship Game contention.

August 30th – Utah beats Michigan. West Virginia pays Michigan $4 million dollars to keep Rich Rodriguez.

September 6th – It’ll be 73 degrees outside with one lonely little cloud hovering around the deep blue sky. Children will be playing and families will be going for walks. Some will enjoy the perfect late summer/early fall air with a nice bike ride, while others will others will take the opportunity to get in a little golf, fly a kite, get a little yard work done, or invite friends over for a barbeque and some fine fellowship. You’ll be in your living room wearing your gameday Zubaz with a two-liter of Mountain Dew, a family-sized bag of cheeze nubbins, a box of chocolate ring dings and two footlong roast beef subs to sustain you through a really, really bad lineup of games. And you’ll be in heaven.

September 13th – Ohio State at USC, Kansas at South Florida, Arkansas at Texas, UCLA at BYU, Michigan at Notre Dame, Wisconsin at Fresno State, Oklahoma at Washington, Oregon at Purdue, Cal at Maryland, Georgia at South Carolina, and Auburn at Mississippi State ... the 2008 college football season officially begins. Ohio State beats USC causing a public outcry that the national title game will once again suck. In an attempt to calm down a nation …  

October 4th – The government will try to inject life into the season by issuing the Stimulus Wedge, a cheese-shaped block of foam Americans can wear to support Wisconsin in its bid to keep the Buckeyes from playing another bad national title game. It doesn’t help.

October 11th – LSU at Florida and Oklahoma vs. Texas. Unfortunately, you miss both games after passing out from playing the “Separation Saturday” drinking game.

October 16th – A half season of chirping from BCS obsessed BYU fans comes to a screeching halt on a Thursday night against TCU.

November 1st – Florida will beat Georgia. For the second straight season, Georgia fans will claim their two loss team that didn’t win its own division deserves to be playing for the national title.

November 22nd – The sun will rise in the east, Ohio State will beat Michigan, and the sun will set in the west.

November 29th – Notre Dame’s overinflated record against a squishy-soft schedule is exposed in a sixth straight loss to USC. For the second straight season, Trojan fans will claim their two loss team deserves to be playing for the national title.

December 6th – To save time, the winner of the SEC Championship game is handed the Sears Trophy. 

January 8th – I spend the day icing down my cheese and biscuits after my wife’s reaction to my choosing the BCS Championship game over her birthday for the second time in three years.

January 8th – (Insert SEC champion here … I have to leave some reason for you to watch the season) will beat Ohio State for the national title. The BCS creates a new bylaw stating that the Buckeyes can’t play in another national championship game against an SEC team.

January 9th – After spending half the day quietly sobbing that the season is over, you suck it up and deal with the horror of the Made To Order/Sex and the City double feature you promised to sit through to make up for spending the last four months watching college football. You excuse yourself 17 times during the movies to do some more gentle weeping.  

Part One The Way Too Long Kickoff to the Season
Part Three
The 5 wacky calls and 10 things to be grouchy about