Fiu's Cavalcade of
Whimsy
a.k.a.
Frank Costanza's Festivus Airing of the Grievances
The Kickoff
Extravaganza of Import ... Part 2
By
Pete Fiutak
What's your beef? ... Fire
off your
thoughts
Past Whimsies
2006 Season |
2007 Season
Part One
The Way Too Long
Kickoff to the Season
Part Three The 5 wacky
calls and 10 things to be grouchy about
Of
course, you’ve gone through each juice tidbit of the 2008 Preview
reading every word of every preview like it was Gospel. Now you know all
about the Akron offensive line and the Idaho special teams. Now it’s
time to tell you how the story ends.
If you’re not one of those people who records a game on the DVR and then
fast forwards to the end, then stop reading this right now. I’ve seen
the future and am about to tell you what’s going to happen this season
and how the national title chase will play out. Read it, and then go off
and do something more interesting with your life.
August 27th – All teams not in a BCS league receive a letter
from the BCS committee informing them that they’re officially eliminated
from BCS Championship Game contention.
August 28th – The season begins. Even though almost everyone
kicks off their season two days later, every BCS conference team other
than Ohio State, USC, Florida, Georgia, LSU, Oklahoma, Wisconsin,
Auburn, Texas Tech (yes, Texas Tech), Missouri, Tennessee, Clemson, and
West Virginia receives a letter from the BCS committee informing them
that they’re officially eliminated from BCS Championship Game
contention.
August 30th – Utah beats Michigan. West Virginia pays
Michigan $4 million dollars to keep Rich Rodriguez.
September 6th – It’ll be 73 degrees outside with one lonely
little cloud hovering around the deep blue sky. Children will be playing
and families will be going for walks. Some will enjoy the perfect late
summer/early fall air with a nice bike ride, while others will others
will take the opportunity to get in a little golf, fly a kite, get a
little yard work done, or invite friends over for a barbeque and some
fine fellowship. You’ll be in your living room wearing your gameday
Zubaz with a two-liter of Mountain Dew, a family-sized bag of cheeze
nubbins, a box of chocolate ring dings and two footlong roast beef subs
to sustain you through a really, really bad lineup of games. And
you’ll be in heaven.
September 13th – Ohio State at USC, Kansas at South Florida,
Arkansas at Texas, UCLA at BYU, Michigan at Notre Dame, Wisconsin at
Fresno State, Oklahoma at Washington, Oregon at Purdue, Cal at Maryland,
Georgia at South Carolina, and Auburn at Mississippi State ... the 2008
college football season officially begins. Ohio State beats USC causing
a public outcry that the national title game will once again suck. In an
attempt to calm down a nation …
October 4th – The government will try to inject life into the
season by issuing the Stimulus Wedge, a cheese-shaped block of foam
Americans can wear to support Wisconsin in its bid to keep the Buckeyes
from playing another bad national title game. It doesn’t help.
October 11th – LSU at Florida and Oklahoma vs. Texas.
Unfortunately, you miss both games after passing out from playing the
“Separation Saturday” drinking game.
October 16th – A half season of chirping from BCS obsessed
BYU fans comes to a screeching halt on a Thursday night against TCU.
November 1st – Florida will beat Georgia. For the second
straight season, Georgia fans will claim their two loss team that didn’t
win its own division deserves to be playing for the national title.
November 22nd – The sun will rise in the east, Ohio State
will beat Michigan, and the sun will set in the west.
November 29th – Notre Dame’s overinflated record against a
squishy-soft schedule is exposed in a sixth straight loss to USC. For
the second straight season, Trojan fans will claim their two loss team
deserves to be playing for the national title.
December 6th – To save time, the winner of the SEC
Championship game is handed the Sears Trophy.
January 8th – I spend the day icing down my cheese and
biscuits after my wife’s reaction to my choosing the BCS Championship
game over her birthday for the second time in three years.
January 8th – (Insert SEC champion here … I have to leave
some reason for you to watch the season) will beat Ohio State for the
national title. The BCS creates a new bylaw stating that the Buckeyes
can’t play in another national championship game against an SEC team.
January 9th – After spending half the day quietly sobbing
that the season is over, you suck it up and deal with the horror of the
Made To Order/Sex and the City double feature you promised
to sit through to make up for spending the last four months watching
college football. You excuse yourself 17 times during the movies to do
some more gentle weeping.
Part One
The Way Too Long
Kickoff to the Season
Part Three The 5 wacky
calls and 10 things to be grouchy about