Fiu's Cavalcade of
Whimsy ... Part 1
a.k.a.
Frank Costanza's Festivus Airing of the Grievances
By
Pete Fiutak
What's your beef? ... Fire
off your
thoughts
Past Whimsies
2006 Season |
2007 Season
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Preseason Cavalcade
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Week 1
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Week 2
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Week 3
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Week 4
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Week 5
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Week 6
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Week 7
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Week 8
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Week 9
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Week 10
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Part Two This Week
What 10 teams need to do to
get into the national title
If this column sucks, it’s not my
fault … after a 17-0 loss to
Boston College, Charlie Weis has decided he’s going to take a more
active role in the column. He believes he can be the “answer” to the
“problem.”
Like him or not, the guy is on the record for wanting a college football
playoff … (I’m sorry about this groaner. I really, really am, but
it’s too goofy a coincidence in wordplay, and way too ironic, to not use
it. I ask that you get through it and keep on moving through the rest of
the column. Thank you for your support and for your understanding during
this unfortunate blurb.)
Before anyone else figures this out, I’ll throw it out there … Alobama.
The Crimson Tide is running a calm, cool, flawless campaign. It doesn’t
get rattled, head coach Nick Saban never wavers off the message of
focusing on the task at hand, it answers adversity when challenged with
a business-like approach that focuses solely on getting the job done
without getting too high or too low, and it keeps getting sharper and
better even though everyone is waiting for the big stumble.
“Uh no, they’re saying Boo-urns, Boo-urns.” … I’m a fan of booing
everything from the Starbucks barista who put too much foam in my latte,
to the little girl in the wheelchair throwing out the ceremonial first
pitch, to this column when I write horrific crap like Alobama. It’s your
right as a sports fan, hell, as an American (unlike the Europeans and
their weasely whistling) to take out all your pent up unchanneled angst
with a big, fat, cathartic,
starting-from-your-toes-and-working-its-way-out BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
With that said, LSU fans, there’s absolutely no reason to have any issue
with Saban. Had he left LSU for Alabama, then yeah, it would be
understandable to feel jilted and really ticked off. But it’s not like
he pulled a Joe
"You're dead to me, Fredo" Lieberman and
trashed the place; he took off for a pro gig and has been nothing but
complimentary and gracious when it comes to LSU. You can not like the
Alabama head coach, but at least give the dude a little credit. He made
you. LSU was doing a fat load of jack squat before Saban showed up, and
he not only won you a national title, but he built the foundation for
the college football superpower that gave you another championship last
year and the possibility for more in the future.
“Money can’t buy
happiness? Look at the (bleep)ing smile on my face. Ear to ear, baby.” …
Give Saban credit; the man is focused. “I know I don’t look happy,
but I am,” he said after the win over Georgia a few weeks ago, and
repeated something to that effect after beating LSU. Apparently, him
being happy is a job requirement as part of the $4-mildo he’s receiving,
but that’s just not his style. If you're a Tide fan, it's all about your
happiness right now. This isn't a one-year thing. He has the juggernaut
back on track.
Said with a wink, you betcha! … 95% of Americans under $200,000
getting a tax cut. Joe the Plumber. He voted with Bush 90% of the time.
Drill, Baby, Drill. Redistribute the wealth. Maverick. By the end of the
long, long presidential campaign everyone could recite the
talking points and catch phrases by heart. The candidates kept saying
the same things over and over and over again until it became second
nature to anyone who watched TV for more than 14 seconds over the last
six months. Taking a cue from what works, I will stay on point and keep
pounding away at my message until it becomes second nature to the
American public … 8 teams, 6 BCS-league champions, the top ranked non-BCS
champion, the top ranked at-large team. America, it's your turn to get
what you want.
“I
know I don’t look happy, but I am.” … Nick, the media held a
meeting, and everyone decided to stop asking you about your happiness!
(Cut to reaction shot)
The Undercard For UFC 91: Couture vs. Lesnar … The ill-tempered Bo
Pelini vs. the “unleashed” Oprah. Place your bets.
8 teams, 6 BCS-league
champions, the top ranked non-BCS champion, the top ranked at-large
team. America, it's your turn to get what you want.
“If that’s true we’re
going to really have to start brushing our teeth.” … I’m suffering
from withdrawal. I miss all the political stuff I'm used to having on a
continuous all-night loop while working, and now that it’s all over,
fine, I’ll start watching (gritted teeth) the Wednesday night college
football games.
I’ve got your Nielson rating right here, really … Granted, it was on
the smallest of my three office TVs and the sound was down, but I’d be
stunned if I wasn’t the only person in America to have watched the
Tuesday night Miami University vs. Buffalo
game.
“I
know I don’t look happy, but I am.” … Nick, it turns out one of the
circumcisions Tim Tebow performed didn’t take and he has to go back to
finish the job on December 6th! (Cut to reaction shot)
8 teams, 6 BCS-league
champions, the top ranked non-BCS champion, the top ranked at-large
team. America, it's your turn to get what you want.
And your Saturdays are
never free … With the Prop 8 debate in California the nation’s hot
button issue at the moment, there's a standard comedic line being used
in some form on all the shows. Let gay people marry; why shouldn't they
be as miserable as the rest of us? Apply the same lame joke to minority
football coaches. Sure they’re not getting hired, but why would they
want to be? Being a big-time college football head coach is a miserable
existence. There’s no job security, there’s no margin for error, you
can’t have a bad year, and even if you’ve been an unquestioned success
you’re going to be expected to produce at the same high level every year
or you’re gone. You don’t sleep, you don’t have a family anymore, you
have to suck up to old guys who call themselves Happy or Colonel and you
have pitch and sell to 16-and-17-year-old kids who think they're ready
for the NFL right now. The stress level is off the charts and you're
under a constant microscope. But hey, if that’s for you, knock yourself
out.
Next up: A study to figure out the number of Caucasian American NBA
All-Stars … From the Department of No Duh, a recent study showed
that the number of African-American college football head coaches is
dwindling. Actually, the Institute of Diversity and Ethics In Sport at
UCF concluded that most of the major leadership positions involving
college sports, from presidents and athletic directors on down, aren’t
making the headway needed with it comes to minority hiring into
positions of power. College football-wise, the firing of Ty Willingham
and Ron Prince didn’t help the cause.
Try this pop quiz. Outside of Willingham and Prince, name the four
remaining African-American head coaches among the 119 FBS schools.
If you’re
reading this, you’re into college football and there are only four to
come up with so this shouldn’t be that hard .... time's up.
If you're like the others I asked in my unscientific poll of a few
die-hard college football fans, you immediately got Sylvester Croom and
Turner Gill. Half of you needed a second to remember Randy Shannon, and
almost none of you got the fourth one right away: Houston's Kevin Sumlin.
If you didn't get Sumlin, that's partly because the media didn't make
much out of a minority becoming a head coach. While it should've been
hailed more as a positive, it's not necessarily a bad thing that race
went largely unrecognized. To many of us in the media, especially us
under-40 types, we just didn't notice so it didn't get any play.
Of course hiring more minority head coaches is important because of the
influence, the role model aspect, and the power and prestige the
position holds. Of course the “Eddie Robinson Rule” (meaning minorities
need to be interviewed whenever there’s an opening) needs to be in
effect and enforced to make sure that African-Americans aren’t forgotten
about in the hiring process. It's important.
8 teams, 6 BCS-league
champions, the top ranked non-BCS champion, the top ranked at-large
team. America, it's your turn to get what you want.
“I
know I don’t look happy, but I am.” …
Nick, Heidi Klum
just saw you coming out of the locker room and she decided to dump Seal!
(Cut to reaction shot)
If only they played in a major media market and if they could just
get on TV once in a while, then maybe, just maybe people would start to
notice … Pete Carroll is one of my favorite college football
coaches. He gets it. He gets that it’s all supposed to be fun, he’s not
the total jerkweed that most of the superstar coaches quickly become
once they get drunk with power, and he’s never afraid to challenge his
team against anyone, any place, any time. However, he’s off on his “BCS
stinks” rant.
He says he doesn’t understand how the system works. Pete, let me clear
it up for you. If you win, and if your ridiculously talented team
doesn’t choke (and yes, your team is so loaded year in and year out that
a loss to anyone outside of the top 10 is a choke), you will play for
the national title. The same can’t be said for anyone else in America
outside of an undefeated SEC champion. You’ve earned the benefit of a
hundred doubts on this one when it comes to the really, really big games
that matter, so the BCS boils down to this: win, and you're in.
Because of the USC brand name, if it goes unbeaten, it will play for the
national title no matter what. Forget about strength of schedule and
forget about appearances. USC gets so much blind love and respect from
the media (check out Lee Corso on GameDay every Saturday or the way Mike
Mayock likes to blast away on me whenever the Trojans come up on our NFL
Network appearances) that it will always, always find a spot in the
national championship if it finishes 12-0. That it’s USC is the
only reason it’s still considered a national title contender this year.
If Cal, Oregon, or anyone else in the Pac 10 had the exact same 2008
résumé as USC (yes, even with the tremendous defense that’s stopping all
the horrifically bad Pac 10 offenses), there wouldn’t be one word about
a national title shot.
“I
know I don’t look happy, but I am.” … Nick, they decided your annual
salary is now $4,000,001! (Cut to reaction shot)
If the return of Bill Snyder is your answer … … you need to ask
more questions. Are you really allowed to have jacked up expectations at
Kansas State? The program became strong under Bill Snyder, who proved to
be a miracle worker, but it only won one Big 12 title and that was
thanks to an epic upset of Oklahoma. The failed Ron Prince experiment
showed that 1) hoping for JUCO players to form the bulk of your talent
base doesn’t work. Bill Callahan showed that at Nebraska, and 2) you
can’t lose to an in-state rival like Kansas 52-21 when you’re in the
midst of a disappointing season. Remember, as mediocre as the Prince era
has been, it was better than the end of Snyder’s run.
8 teams, 6 BCS-league
champions, the top ranked non-BCS champion, the top ranked at-large
team. America, it's your turn to get what you want.
“So, that's it then, hmm? Just like a young man coming in for a
quickie. I feel so unsatisfied. I'm sorry. You must feel proud and good.
Strong enough to beat the world.” ... Reason No. 413 why the Big Ten
sort of sucks. To show how exciting the league is, the Big Ten Network
keeps running a promo highlighting the spectacular last-minute 46-yard
touchdown run from Purdue’s Kory Sheets to beat Central Michigan. So,
Big Ten, one of your teams needed a last-second miracle dash, at home,
to get by a team from the MAC, and that’s what you have to hang your hat
on? There has to be a better Big Ten non-conference moment this year,
right? There was the thrilling way that Illinois held on to beat UL
Lafayette. No? There was Minnesota scoring a touchdown after going for
it on fourth down, and batting down a last gasp pass attempt in the end
zone, to beat Northern Illinois. Doesn’t do it for you? The Northwestern
defense holding on to beat Duke? Wisconsin grinding it out to close out
Fresno State? That’s about it. And you wanted Penn State in your
national title game.
Random Acts of Nutty … Provocative musings and tidbits to make
every woman want you and every man want to be you (or vice versa) a.k.a.
things I didn’t feel like writing bigger blurbs for.
- In theory, the Tennessee job sounds like a dream come true for most
coaches, but it’s set up to be a tough gig in a Ron Zook-bridge-the-gap
sort of way. The expectations are jacked through the roof, Florida isn’t
going anywhere as long as Urban Meyer is there, Georgia is still strong,
and Alabama is the big elephant on the schedule to deal with. It’s going
to take at least two recruiting classes to get Tennessee at the level
Vol fans want it to be at, which means there’s no national title
discussion until at least 2011, at best. It’s going to take an A-lister
with a ton of job security and a lot of money to want the aggravation.
- It’s not like AC/DC was cutting edge anymore for anyone other than
those who don’t wear sleeves on a regular basis, but if your record is
being sold exclusively at Wal-Mart, you’re officially ready to be played
on WMOM. Go ahead and blast Angus in your Dodge Caravan.
- 8 teams, 6 BCS-league
champions, the top ranked non-BCS champion, the top ranked at-large
team. America, it's your turn to get what you want.
- Don’t dismiss LSU QB Jarrett Lee quite yet. That touchdown pass he
threw to Demetrius Byrd showed why he could be a good one with a little
time and a lot of coaching, but for now, he’s a killer. LSU beats
Alabama if it gets competent quarterback play.
- Who predicted Texas Tech would be unbeaten going into the Oklahoma
showdown? Well, we did. Sorry to chirp, but I was fired up to see that
we got this right in the Preview because ...
- I wanted to kill myself with a Veg-o-matic when Iowa beat Penn State
because I ignored the Upset Voice that rings in my head once in a while
(yes, the same one that told me that Ohio State would beat USC, but I
digress). I told anyone who’d listen (and many who wouldn’t) that the
Nittany Lions would have trouble in Iowa City and that Daryll Clark was
a question mark in the fourth quarter, considering he hadn’t needed to
throw a meaningful crunch time pass. Of course, I wussed out in a big
way and picked Penn State to pull away late. With that in mind, my
I’m-too-chicken-spit-to-actually-call-it pick of the week to watch for:
South Carolina. I think Florida is winning the national title, but part
of me thinks the Gamecocks are going to show up big-time in Gainesville,
and it’s not just the Spurrier factor. Florida is due for a clunker.
C.O.W. shameless gimmick item … The weekly five
Overrated/Underrated aspects of the world
1) Overrated: 2008 Oklahoma ... Underrated:
2007 Georgia
2) Overrated: Senior Day … Underrated: The real world with no jobs to be
had
3) Overrated: “Red, or black” ... Underrated: “Both”
4) Overrated: Mid-level Big Ten teams ... Underrated: Ball State,
Western Michigan, Central Michigan
5) Overrated: The BCS, according to Joe Paterno ... Underrated: The BSC,
according to Joe Paterno
“I hearby designate Graham Harrell, Texas Tech as
my First Choice to receive the Heisman Memorial Trophy awarded to the
most outstanding college football player in the United States for 2008.
To the best of my knowledge he conforms to the rules governing this
vote.”
My Second Choice Is: Colt McCoy, Texas
My Third Choice Is: Sam Bradford, Oklahoma (although Iowa’s
Shonn Greene is hovering)
“You know I'm born to lose, and gambling's for fools/But that's the
way I like it baby, I don't wanna live forever” … The three lines
this week that appear to be a tad off.
Officials estimated close to a quarter-million people gathered in Grant
Park to be a part of the shared experience and emotional outpouring of
me finally going 2-1. (Cut to Oprah weeping on some random dude and then
screaming bizarrely for CNN about how she never thought this was going
to happen “in … MY … lifetime”). I’m up to 12-20-1 overall.
I press on by taking the three games I’m sure of … 1) Central Michigan
+3 over Northern Illinois, 2) Notre Dame -3 over Navy, 3) Georgia -8
over Auburn
Last Week: 1) Kentucky +10.5 over Georgia (WIN), 2) Arkansas +10
over South Carolina (LOSS), 3) Houston -14 over Tulane (WIN)
- 8 teams, 6
BCS-league champions, the top ranked non-BCS champion, the top ranked
at-large team. America, it's your turn to ... eh, screw it. We're stuck
with it as is.
Sorry this column sucked, but it wasn’t my fault … I wasn’t
exactly rocketing into coaching stardom with my gig as the quarterback
coach at West Texas A&M, and now I have to fight through drug
allegations.
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Part Two This Week
What 10 teams need to do to get into the national title