Fiu's Cavalcade of
Whimsy ... Dec. 16
a.k.a.
Frank Costanza's Festivus Airing of the Grievances
By
Pete Fiutak
What's your beef? ... Fire
off your
thoughts
Past Whimsies
2006 Season |
2007 Season
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Preseason Cavalcade
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Week 1
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Week 2
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Week 3
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Week 4
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Week 5
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Week 6
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Week 7
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Week 8
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Week 9
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Week 10
- Week 11 |
Week 12 |
Week 13 |
Week 14 |
Week 15
If this column sucks, it’s not my fault
… I’ve been (BOOMER!!!) working my entire (BOOMER!!!) life for this
column. (BOOMER!!!) I’ve dreamed about this (BOOMER!!!) moment. I’ve
sweated (BOOMER!!!), bled, (BOOMER!!!) and cried when (BOOMER!!!) deep
down (BOOMER!!!) I never really knew if (BOOMER!!!) it would (BOOMER!!!)
come … fine, (heavy sigh) SOONER!!!
“Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic
things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent
response were you even close to anything that could be considered a
rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having
listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your
soul.” … All those in favor of having Billy Sims’ Heisman
taken away from him after psychotically mistaking a sense of school
spirit with hogging the moment for himself by yelling Boomer! over and
over again at the Heisman Trophy presentation, please raise your hand.
It’s okay, Sam. Your vote counts, too.
With all due respect to Yahoo Serious, who got the Graham Harrell
treatment on this list … Slip in Sims, because of his screaming,
just ahead of the cast of Sex and the City and post-Erotica
Madonna, and closely behind Robin Williams and anyone in an Enzyte
commercial, as America’s Most Annoying Human.
But somehow, I think there’s probably one key element that Sam might
be missing from the shtick … Now that Sam Bradford won the Heisman,
and there’s a few weeks off before the national title, he can go back on
tour for a couple of dates in the role of the mythical fourth Jonas
brother.
“The war is not over,
(BOOMER!!!) it is decisively on it’s way to being won.” (BOOMER!!!) (throwing
of the right shoe) (BOOMER!!!) (throwing of the left shoe)
But he has a quick release … There’s no truth to the rumor
that UCF, after finishing dead-last in the nation in completion
percentage, was impressed by Muntadar al-Zaidi’s arm and is
looking to see if he has any eligibility.
“In my country, they would go crazy for these two! (gestures
to Tebow) You, not so much.” … “Okay, so Mr. McCoy, I have
you booked for a return trip here at the Plaza here in New York for
April 22nd and 23rd of 2010. Really? You don’t
want to hang on to that reservation for this April in case you change
your mind? That’s fine; we look forward to seeing you in 2010. And for
you Mr. Bradford, we have you all set for a suite on April 23rd
and 24th. Great. See you in a few months. Mr. Tebow? Um, I
don’t seem to have you down here. No, I don’t seem to have you reserved
for anything for April in either 2009 or 2010, but I do have you
tentatively down for early next December.”
“Three of these things belong together/Three of these things are kind
of the same/Can you guess which one of these doesn't belong here?/Now
it's time to play our game.”… No, the Heisman people didn’t hose
over Texas Tech QB Graham Harrell by not inviting him to the New York
party last weekend, the Heisman voters did. 213. That’s the meager
Heisman point total Harrell amassed as he finished a distant fourth in
the race. The Heisman people can see how the voting is going and they
invite the finalists accordingly. This really is an exclusive club and
it’s an honor just to be there. As good as Harrell was this season, the
voters didn’t elevate him to that special level; there were only three
spots on the ballot in a year with three clear cut finalists. It’s sort
of like the NFL Draft. If you’re not a
possible top 15 pick, you don’t get the royal treatment.
“I do solemnly swear that I, Barack Hussein (BOOMER!!!)
Obama, (BOOMER!!!) will faithfully execute the (BOOMER!!!) office of
President of the United (BOOMER!!!) States, and will to the best of my
ability, preserve, protect (BOOMER!!!) and defend the Constitution
(BOOMER!!!) of the United States.”
“Brrrrrrrrppppptttpphhttthwwwwpbrrpt. Ha, ha. Very funny. No, really
who did they hire?” … Nick Saban’s first words after being told
Auburn hired Gene Chizik. Soon after, an intern cleaned up the lemonade
fired out by Saban’s spittake.
Michael: “Samir and I are the best programmers in that
place. And you, you haven't even been showing up and you get to keep
your job.”
Peter: “Actually, I'm being promoted.”
Michael: “What?!” … It’s become fashionable for everyone to fire on
Auburn’s out-of-left-field hiring of former Iowa State head coach Gene
Chizik as the new head man to replace Tommy Tuberville. Let me take out
my Hermes purse and join the club.
Read more at...
Craving the inside scoop at Auburn? Check out Inside the Auburn Tigers on the Scout network for the latest news and recruiting rumblings.
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It’s the equivalent of a 53-foot shot in the middle of the first quarter
of a basketball game. Even if it goes in, there’s still no excuse for
taking this dumb a shot.
Much has been made of Chizik’s 5-19 record as the Iowa State head coach,
but that’s not even telling the entire story. Two of those wins came
this year against South Dakota State and Kent State, before going on a
ten-game losing streak. Last year, Chizik’s Cyclone team beat mediocre
Iowa, Kansas State, and Colorado teams. None of the four FBS teams
beaten by Chizik finished with a winning record. Along the way there
were losses this year to Baylor and Texas A&M by a combined score of 87
to 45, and last year the Cyclones lost to Kent State and Northern Iowa.
Chizik’s defenses allowed 30 points or more 14 times in the 24 games and
the teams were outscored 811 to 522, or an average of 34 to 22 per game.
Chizik’s teams played hard, and granted, the cupboard was left
relatively bare, but it’s not like he made Iowa State better in two
years and he hasn’t done anything to remotely suggest that he can punch
his weight in a conference full of strong head coaches and loaded
programs. If he couldn’t win in the Big 12 North, the Fredo of the Big
12 divisions, then why is he going to suddenly blossom into a superstar
in a division with Saban, Les Miles, Houston Nutt and Bobby Petrino?
In the end, Auburn has to ask itself this important question: Is this
the guy who can go head-to-head with the burgeoning Alabama juggernaut
Saban is putting together and not only compete, but thrive? To put it
another way, Chizik’s program got lapped by Baylor.
And by then, the UTEP job should be open again … Sorry Auburn
fans, but anything short of a (allegedly) wild night on the town in
Pensacola during a pro-am golf tournament (allegedly) involving
strippers, (alleged) room service charges to the room to the tune of
$1,000 by a woman who’s not the wife of the Alabama head coach, to go
along with other problems with “inappropriate conduct,” this might not
be a fun decade.
“I've got this thing and it's (BOOMER!!!)
golden. And I'm just not giving it up for (BOOMER!!!) nothing. I'm
not going to do it. And I can always use it. I can (BOOMER!!!) parachute
me there."
“I
want rustlers, cutthroats, murders, bounty hunters, desperadoes, mugs,
pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con-men,
Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers,
hornswogglars, horse thieves, bull-dykes, train robbers, bank robbers,
ass-kickers, sh**kickers, and Methodists!”…
We can all be in agreement here that O.J. Simpson is a bad guy. Because
of his transgressions and his incarceration, both the Pro and College
Football Halls of Fame have had to deal with the idea of removing
Simpson’s memorabilia. The pro version isn’t changing up anything, and
the Buffalo Bills aren’t planning on taking away Simpson’s number off
the Wall of Fame, but the college version isn’t so sure.
Simpson is arguably the greatest running back of all-time if you combine
college and pro production. He won one Heisman, he should’ve won two,
and he carried a woeful Buffalo team while hitting the 2,000-yard mark
in 14 games on the way to one of the great pro careers. Instead of
trying to erase him from football history, keep everything as is but add
on all the problems that followed. Nothing is ever gained by trying to
cover up the truth, and part of that truth is that Simpson is a vital
part of the history of football. If you’re going to start going on a
morality kick, how about opening up the books on all those players in
the Hall of Fame who were steroid users? Yeah, right.
The C.O.W. airing of the grievances followed by the feats of strength
Ten reasons why Oklahoma will win the national title. (Relax, Gator
fans. Next week will be the ten reasons why Florida will win the
national title.)
10. Dan Mullen
It’s never a plus when there’s a coaching change before a big game like
this. The media likes to make a lot out of the idea of distractions, and
almost all of the theories are full of beans. Almost nothing fazes
players who are so used to their regular routine. However, losing the
offensive coordinator is one thing that really does screw things up. Now
there’s a question about who’ll be doing the play-calling for the
Gators, if Mullen, who’ll be the new head coach at Mississippi State,
will have any role in the attack, and Tim Tebow appears to be a bit
rattled over losing the guy who helped him become a superstar.
9. Does Florida really have the firepower?
Florida has a tremendous attack finishing third in the nation in
scoring and first in the SEC in total offense. However, Oklahoma was
playing at another level at the end of the year. Even if the Gators go
on a run, the Sooners have shown the ability to answer every challenge
since the loss to Texas. Most importantly, they’ve been able to take
teams out of their gameplans as teams have to adjust and press a little
bit more knowing that they might have to keep up in a shootout. Florida
knew it wasn’t going to need 45 points to stay with Alabama. 45 might
not get past the maitre’d against OU.
8. The SEC offenses were really that bad, and the defenses just
weren’t that great.
The SEC’s defensive statistics look great, and while Alabama, Tennessee,
South Carolina and Ole Miss really could play a little D, they were
helped immeasurably by the horrendous SEC attacks. Offensively, this was
an abysmal year. Chalk it up to injuries (Kentucky), inexperience in key
spots (LSU), poor planning and coaching (Auburn), the loss of a key
coordinator (Tennessee), turnovers (South Carolina), adjustment periods
(Ole Miss and Arkansas) or just a world of bad (Vanderbilt and
Mississippi State), but the offenses had issues. The SEC defenses were
fine, but they were hardly killers compared to past seasons. Six SEC
offenses, half the league, finished 97th in the nation or
lower, seven finished 94th or lower in passing, and seven
finished 87th or lower in scoring. In other words, Florida’s
defense, as good as it might appear, didn’t exactly deal with the Big 12
South.
7. Oklahoma’s defense is just fine.
The Sooner D gets a bad rap because it had problems in the second half
against Texas with LB Ryan Reynolds got knocked out with a knee injury.
The pass rush is tremendous, cranking out 42 sacks, and the defense
forces takeaways with 32 on the year. Wake Forest led the way with 35.
Most of the yards and points allowed came late in games or against teams
that had to pull out its A game just to try to keep up the unrelenting
pace. Texas did a great job in the second half and Oklahoma State and
Kansas were able to keep up for several laps, but few other teams came
close to putting up meaningful points. Texas A&M was down 28-0 before it
started scoring. Nebraska was down 35-0 before it got on the board and
started rolling. OU got up 28-7 on Kansas State and was up 52-7 on Texas
Tech before anything worked for Graham Harrell. In other words, more
often than not, the Sooner defense did what it needed to do, when it
needed to do it.
6. The Oklahoma special teams are better than they get credit for.
The kickoff coverage team has been abysmal, allowing 24.05 yards per
attempt and four touchdowns, most by anyone in the nation, and Florida’s
Brandon James is a special return man. However, OU’s special teams
aren’t all that bad. The kickoff returners are averaging over 25 yards
per try, the punt returners are fine, even though they could be better,
and freshman Jimmy Stevens is a solid 8-of-11 on field goals. Florida
has an advantage here, but it might not be enough to be the deciding
factor.
5. The Sooner offensive line
Alabama’s offensive line was effective against Florida, especially on
what appeared to be the game-turning third quarter drive that ate up
most of the clock and the length of the field. Oklahoma’s offensive
front is better. It’s brilliant in pass protection, helped by an offense
that revolves around getting the ball out of Sam Bradford’s hands in a
hurry, and Florida’s pass rush might be neutralized by the design of the
Sooner attack. The front five has been phenomenal for the running game,
paving the way for over 205 yards per game. Oklahoma can produce in a
ground war or with the passing game. If the offense can get control of
the game early, the line should be able to take care of the rest.
4. Julio Jones
The superstar Alabama freshman receiver caught five passes for 124 yards
in the SEC title game. Florida was able to adjust and keep No. 8 in
check, mostly because there wasn’t much else to worry about in the
Alabama passing game. It also helped that the Tide stopped throwing to
him in key situations. Florida might be able to stop Juaquin Iglesias,
but can it also stop Jermain Gresham? How about Manuel Johnson, Ryan
Broyles, and the DeMarco Murray and Chris Brown coming out of the
backfield? The Gator D hasn’t seen anything remotely like this OU
offense when it comes to weapons.
3. 2008 Oklahoma isn’t 2006 Ohio State
Ohio State simply didn’t show up. Give Florida credit for winning the
game, but several Buckeyes admitted they thought they could run out on
the field and be handed the national championship. Forgetting that
Oklahoma is the underdog, the last two Fiesta Bowls and a poor recent
history should provide a little extra motivation. Because of all its
weapons, OU can keep on rolling even if one piece of the puzzle is gone.
Ohio State lost Ted Ginn early and never recovered, and making matters
worse, the offensive line couldn’t pass protect. The Sooners won’t have
those issues.
2. Tim Tebow
Read more at...
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Craving the inside scoop at Florida? Check out Fightin'Gators.com on the Scout network for the latest news and recruiting rumblings.
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In a game like this, Tebow might want to do even more to put the entire
offense on his shoulders, like he did in the SEC title game. Oklahoma’s
defense will revolve around covering Percy Harvin, letting Tebow try to
pound the ball, and taking chances against everyone else.
1. Sam Bradford
He isn’t Jason White. Bradford is a top five-caliber draft pick who
doesn’t get rattled and took his offense to a level college football has
never seen before with such a glaring spotlight on. TCU beat Bradford up
and he still threw for 411 yards and four touchdowns. He got hurt
against Oklahoma State and he still threw for 370 yards and four scores.
He threw two interceptions against Texas, but he also threw for 387
yards and five touchdowns. The Heisman winner is a special talent who’s
good enough to rise up and produce when needed, and he’s not going to
make the big game-changing mistake. Yeah, Florida is No. 2 in the nation
in turnover margin, but OU is No. 1 partly because Bradford has thrown
one interceptions in the last eight games.
Random Acts of Nutty … Provocative musings and tidbits to make every woman want you and
every man want to be you (or vice versa) a.k.a. things I didn’t feel
like writing bigger blurbs for.
- Don’t get too hung up on the idea of Connecticut RB Donald Brown
coming back. He said he’s returning, but he will graduate this spring
and he’s still going to go through the NFL Advisory Board process. He’ll
be told he’s a first day pick who’ll likely go in the top 50, and if he
rips up Buffalo in the International Bowl, it’ll be tough to pass up the
big payday.
- Brady Hoke leaving Ball State for San Diego State shows once again
just how hard it is for the MAC to compete consistently at even a
mid-range level. Ball State couldn’t come close to matching San Diego
State’s offer of $3.5 million, five-year deal, while Muncie, Indiana is
hard to compare with San Diego. It’ll be interesting to see if Hoke
turns out to be the next Urban Meyer. Meyer went from Bowling Green to
Utah to Florida. If Hoke can make San Diego State a winner, he’ll be
able to choose his next job.
- Syracuse’s hiring of New Orleans offensive coordinator Doug
Marrone flew under the radar, but it could turn out to be a good one.
The former SU player will have the PR side of things down. He’ll be
great with the fans, the alumni, and the media, and he’ll stir up
interest with a far more exciting brand of football. Of course, only a
winning team will get everyone back on board.
“You know I'm born to lose, and gambling's for fools/But that's
the way I like it baby, I don't wanna live forever” … The three lines
this week that appear to be a tad off.
Again, my picks for the bowl season after rallying to close out the
regular season 20-24-1 overall, which isn’t bad considering where I was
six weeks ago.
I press on by taking the three bowl games I’m sure of … 1) BYU +3
over Arizona, 2) Notre Dame +1.5 over Hawaii, 3) Louisiana Tech -2 over
Northern Illinois
Last Week: 1) East Carolina +13.5 over Tulsa (WIN), 2) Oklahoma -17
over Missouri (WIN), 3) Cincinnati -7.5 over Hawaii (LOSS)
Sorry this column sucked, but it wasn’t my fault … I won the
MAC title game to complete one of the greatest turnaround in college
football history, yet I got passed over for a guy who won five games in
the last two years. Fortunately, I have Charles Barkley on my side to
defend the column.