Mitchell Blog: The Battle of Little Bigmouth

"There are not enough Indians in the world to defeat the Seventh Cavalry." -- Lt. Col. George Armstrong Custer

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This story first appeared in abridged form in the weekly CFN column Y’all Play Nice. SEC Week Three, September 17, 2009.


Ok, class. Y’all remember the Great Florida Massacre of 2009, right?

We know it wasn’t the Gator nation’s finest hour, given the abject butchery… But it bears remembering, if only to learn from Lt. Colonel Lane Kiffin’s mistakes, and to ensure the horror is never repeated.

Not unlike the CiTrUs Revolts of 1995-7, in 2009 the Volunteers – a proud Cavalry unable to score 7, lacking a full complement of ammo, and guided by a youthful commander – found themselves in it way too deep (the Florida Swamp territory that is, settled by generations of Gators). Indeed, one could say they were in over the top of Kiffin’s rocky head.

You see, Colonel Kiffin had aggravated the Gators something fierce, by challenging/calling out their leader, Urban Little Feather, as a coward in battle. Not once, but twice!

And so the Volunteer Cavalry marched – every one of them – straight into the snapping jaws of a trap left by the Gators; a trap no doubt as clear to the those entering it as to all those bearing witness. Each unable to stop the impending tragedy.

Once surrounded, it came as no surprise then when the trap was sprung – a slaughter, in what was to become known as The Battle of Little Bigmouth.

When the dust had settled, not one valiant Volunteer was left standing. All 45 - 0 survived.

The carnage was so shocking – so disturbing – that a fledgling U.S. Government stepped in and, working with both the Gators and Volunteers, and the Southeastern Conference Council of Elders, established several laws to ensure that such carnage would never again stain our green fields. Chief among these being:

[5 USC § 306(k)(9-20)] Boys under 35 years of age shall henceforth be forbidden from back-talking their elders – even when said elder is from a different “nation”. And particularly those elders who have already won one – not to mention two – National Championships. Also known as "The Kiffin Rule".

[5 USC § 5920(g)(9-15)] Regardless how badly one might wish to divert attention from one’s new Cavalry’s woeful battles the previous year, it is henceforth forbidden, under any and all circumstances, to attempt to distract the media from its rightful role of pointing out those failings, and any that may still linger for the current year.

And:

[5 USC § 2120(k)(16)] It is henceforth forbidden to extol one’s experience gained from traveling to Far Off Lands (“Far Off Lands” to be understood as all territory west of the Mississippi River, sans Arkansas), and living among their strange inhabitants, only to then run consecutive, pedestrian HB Dives on a weaker opponents’ goal line as time is expiring in a battle.

For the sake of the UT faithful, we hope this isn’t Kiffin’s Last Stand. Given Tennessee’s recruiting successes this past year (and weekend), and Big Papi’s D coaching, we think that highly unlikely.

But it will mark the end of Capt. Jonathan Crompton, who will be stripped of his rank and command after this debacle. Perhaps not as soon as next weekend against Ohio U. But the Vols will want to put this nightmare far behind them, and move forward to a brighter day. Crompton will serve as a painful reminder of a woeful past.

This is a rebuilding year after all, and it won’t take long for Kiffin to realize his Honeymoon pass is this season; best not to start 2010 with an inexperienced signal caller under center.

It is then perhaps this episode’s greatest tragedy that Crompton, a faithful if outclassed soldier, will bear the brunt of this Saturday’s stain, and not Kiffin – who deserves it. But let’s hope it stings enough to serve as a reminder the next time Lane wants to mouth off.

Then again, it does make for good storytelling.