Cavalcade of Whimsy
Sept. 22
Past Cavalcades
- 2008
Season | Sept.
1, Part 1 |
Sept. 1
- Part 2
- Week
1 (The Bradford Shoulder) |
Week 2
(Time To Boot the Big East?)
Sorry if this column sucks, it’s not my fault … I wanted to win this column by 50 to teach Lane Kiffin a lesson. It didn’t work out that way, and now I’ve made the problem worse.
”Sam, Frasier, Cliff, Norm: CAT FIGHT! CAT FIGHT!
Kelly: You get outta my way right now or, so help me God, I'll... I'll hurt your feelings.
Emily: You do that and I'll hurt yours right back.
Sam, Frasier, Cliff, Norm: Kitten fight. “
… When all is said and done and we’re all left to wonder how a juggernaut of a Florida team could’ve blown a chance at a second straight national title by getting tripped up by Alabama/LSU/Texas/Penn State/H1N1/egos, remember how the Tennessee game played out. Tennessee bratty and brash head man, Lane Kiffin, did a masterful job of keeping his undermanned team alive in a game that should’ve been ugly early, and he also might have exposed the soft underbelly of the giant.
Of course Kiffin didn’t open things up offensively; he couldn’t. You don’t think he wanted to bomb away? You don’t think he’d have loved to push the Gator corners a bit and stretch out the field? His quarterback, Jonathan Crompton, has a nasty habit of throwing the ball to the other side, so Kiffin kept it conservative, let his tremendous defense turn the Gators into a one-man show, and then he hoped he’d get one huge break that could’ve turned the tide. It didn’t happen, partly because Tim Tebow made a Heisman-caliber scramble for a key first down, but the game should make Meyer worried about the future for a few reasons.
1) His offense suddenly went caveman. The loss of WRs Percy Harvin and Louis Murphy to the NFL is bigger than expected. There are several good teams that would be more than happy to take their cuts against the Gators if the offense is 24 carries of Tebow.
2) When Kiffin gets his quarterback, and he’s in the running for all the star prospects in the 2010 class, the balance of power could quickly shift. Tennessee might not have beaten Florida this year with a competent passer, but it would’ve come very, very close.
3) Suddenly, there are teams that have the type of excellent passers Tennessee is missing on a Florida schedule that was once seen as squishy soft. Ryan Mallett and Arkansas, with one of the most fun offenses in college football, have a puncher’s chance to pull off the upset. Georgia has decided to quit playing defense and become Texas Tech on offense, South Carolina finally has an attack worthy of the Steve Spurrier brand name, and Florida State’s Christian Ponder has become a smooth, polished passer who makes the most out of the weapons around him. Even if the Gators get through unscathed, they’ll likely get Alabama and QB Greg McElroy, who’s playing as effectively as any quarterback in the country, in the SEC title game. Meanwhile, Kiffin will be off frying ants with a magnifying glass.
There’s no truth to the rumor that Illinois will soon come calling … How much does Ty Willingham suck?
“You think you could've gotten this
far this fast with anybody else?
You think you could be out there
(bleep)ing somebody like Darien? No,
you'd be cold calling dentists and
widows to buy twenty shares of some
dog stock! I took you in! A nobody!
I opened doors for you!...I showed
you how the system works! The value of information! How
you get it! Anacott Steel, Brant
Resources, Transuniversal, Fulham
Oil. And this is how you pay me back,
you cockroach! I gave you Darien, I
gave you your manhood. I gave you
everything.”
… That it needed to be commented on and lauded that USC’s Pete Carroll and Washington’s Steve Sarkisian were friendly enough before a big game to do an interview together, and that Carroll couldn’t have been more gracious in defeat, says more about what a bunch of dillholes 99% of all coaches are (cough, Meyer vs. Kiffin, cough) than it does about Carroll and Sarkisian. And no, USC losing doesn’t mean Carroll will turn frosty to his former assistant. He isn’t Bobby Knight. He isn’t a small, petty man who’ll begrudge the success of someone he considers a friend, even when it comes at his expense. The world would be a better place with more coaches like Carroll, and it’s a major plus that his coaching tree is expanding.
“Dear Lord Baby Jesus, or as our brothers to the south call you Jésus…we thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Domino’s, KFC, and the always delicious Taco Bell. I just want to take time to say thank you for my family, my two beautiful, beautiful, handsome, striking sons, Walker, and Texas Ranger, or T.R., as we call him. And, of course, my red hot smokin’ wife, Carley, who is a stone cold fox, who if you would rate her ass on 100 it would easily be a 94.” … If it’s at all possible, USC’s Matt Barkley is giving Tebow a run for being the churchiest interview in sports. He said that he got through the game-winning drive against Ohio State by praying, so in God’s AP vote (not even He gets a say in the Coaches’ Poll), he loves LSU, likes Washington, doesn’t like the Buckeyes, and is wait-and-see on the Trojans. He also has heard the prayers of the BYU fans and continues to rank the Cougars ahead of the hedonistic heathens at Florida State, even after what happened last Saturday night. And he has struck down upon Western Kentucky with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers by moving up from the FCS to the FBS.
Barkley, wanting the starting gig, prayed for Sanchez to turn pro … In this week’s episode of Pete Carroll career advice for Mark Sanchez, 14-of-22, 163 yards, and one touchdown in a 16-9 win over Tom Brady and New England. Along with the 2-0 start, there are the tens of millions of dollars in the bank and the fawning adoration of every hot chick in New York City. Pete, exactly why isn’t Sanchez making the right decision to turn pro early?
In honor of former NCAA President, Myles Brand, who died from pancreatic cancer last week, I bring you example No. 174 of how and why the student-athletes governed by the NCAA get screwed … Not since the case of No v. Duh has there been a more slam-dunk law-suit than the one brought forward by former Nebraska and Arizona State quarterback Sam Keller and UCLA basketball star Ed O’Bannon against the NCAA and EA Sports for using their likenesses for commercial purposes without compensation.
All college players have to sign away their rights and allow the NCAA to use their names and images to promote games or NCAA-sanctioned events. However, the NCAA tries to get away with robbery of the players’ images and likenesses in its deal with EA Sports by saying the video game doesn’t allow the use of names or pictures of the players, even though we all know that the left-handed, burly quarterback for Florida, who just so happens to be wearing the No. 15, isn’t a make-believe character (even though the real life version is).
Look, NCAA, don’t make your outfit out to look like a bunch of bumbling idiots here. We all know the players in the game that you make millions off of come from using the likenesses of the players down to the last minute detail. I used to help put together these games for both football and basketball, with EA Sports using the CFN depth charts a few years ago when it came to getting the heights and weights correct. We were even asked (not so politely) to make sure we always added the jersey numbers in the depth charts. We spent the better part of a month over a few offseasons working with the schools to make sure we got everything right from the basic measurables down to the skin color (which led to several politically incorrect days of channeling my inner Glenn Beck to determine which players were a pale 1, which were a midnight-dark 5, which ones were a latte-like 3, and everything in between).
ESPN uses the game in pregame analysis as if it were a highlight of a real game. Colorado State used a screen-shot of the video game for its depth chart, there are various articles and tournaments set up to determine what might happen by using a simulation mode, and all the while, the players who make the game what it is get a fat load of jack squat. They’ve been tricked into thinking that the cool factor of being in the video game should make up for the lack of money that should rightfully come their way.
”But why, some say, the moon? Why choose this as our goal? And they may well ask why climb the highest mountain? Why, 35 years ago, fly the Atlantic? Why does Rice play Texas? We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard.” … Don’t say that Brand, or anyone who dies from cancer, “lost the battle.” Technically, that implies that the person who was unfairly and unjustly stricken with a horrible, tragic disease that needs to be wiped out of existence by a massive, go-to-the-moon-like initiative, probably didn’t try hard enough, unlike the “winners” whose bodies responded to the treatments. No, those who die from cancer caused by almost anything other than smoking
and sun overexposure (I’m still waiting to pay the piper on that one) are simply unlucky, and no amount of will or fight, no matter what the Lance Armstrong types might have you believe, would’ve changed the outcome.
And because I haven’t dialed down the fun quite enough … It’s also time to put away the term “drink the Kool-Aid” when it comes to those who wholeheartedly believe in a team or a sports figure. This is being used more and more lately with the resurgence of Michigan, Miami and Notre Dame, and while it might seem hip to those who still think it’s cool to say something has “jumped the shark,” it’s got a horrible, tragic history behind it.
In 1978, 918 followers of a cult died in a Guyana
compound when they drank Kool-Aid filled with
cyanide at the urging of their leader, a dying Jim
Jones, whose settlement called Jonestown, was about
to be exposed after several members weren’t being
allowed to leave. Those who didn’t voluntarily drink
the Kool-Aid were executed, including several
children who tried to flee and a congressman on a
fact-finding mission, while whole families died next
to each other after the parents gave their unsuspecting kids the drink. Next up, a cutesy urban slang sports term for Dachau!
”Ohhhhh, goooood for you. And how was it? I hope it was (bleep)ing good, because it's useless now, isn't it?”… Oooooh, the Dallas Cowboys drew 105,000 fans on Sunday night. That’s super. Now do that when Eastern Michigan comes to town, or Indiana, or Western Kentucky.
Exactly how is Emily’s Reasons Why Not doing? … I can’t let it go. I can’t, and I won’t. ESPN, please take a cue from what happened Sunday night. There was the season premiere of Curb Your Enthusiasm, there was another episode of Mad Men, there was a new Entourage, and there were the Emmy’s. It was a monster night for TV, and what trumped everything else in the ratings? The Giants vs. the Cowboys. What was the No. 1 show for the week two weeks ago? Chicago vs. Green Bay on Sunday night. The No. 2 rated program was the pregame show. To be a broken record, you already killed the Monday Night Football brand name. Wake up and move my 2011 BCS Championship back to network television.
And Bobby Petrino took a look at four job offers … It probably took you around 11 minutes to get to this point in the column. In that time, Georgia and Arkansas put up 57 points.
”Nyet! Nyet! He beat me. Pay that myan his myoney.” … San Francisco, let me help you here when it comes to your unsigned first round draft pick, Michael Crabtree. Learn from what the Cincinnati Bengals should’ve done and make sure the guy you’re going to give tens of millions of dollars to is still what you want. Andre Smith ballooned to about 716 pounds, but the Bengals still gave him the GNP of a small Central American nation. I have said from day one in the draft process that I don’t believe Crabtree can run, having been told he’s more 4.75 than 4.3. Niner brass, you make Crabtree run. Right now. No extra training, no prep time; call him into the office and tell him to run 40 yards. If he runs a 4.4, you give him the dough. If he doesn’t, then take him to the bank and have a teller count out the $20 million, in ones, that he’ll lose by going back into the draft process with a 4.6 on the résumé.
But Pete Carroll is advising him to turn pro early. Just not for the NFL. … How much must Mitch Mustain suck?
A Max Hall throws a pick and no one sees it, did it really happen? … Don’t worry, BYU fans. No one actually saw your team lose to Florida State because 1) no one has any clue what Versus is and 2) DirecTV is in a little spat with the network and isn’t carrying the channel. However, for those who watched the dismantling of the Cougars’ dream season in one bolt-of-lightning pick six, I defy you to watch Florida State’s near-disaster of a 19-9 win over Jacksonville State and not pick BYU to win (even though you already know the outcome).
If you drank every time he said “James,” referring to play-by-play man James Bates, you’d be in a coma. … Todd Christensen used to be one of the star NFL analysts on NBC, and now he’s doing Mountain West games on The mtn. An all-time great of a tight end, and an all-time outside-of-the-box thinker, he was always good at providing opinions that don’t normally follow logic, reality, or the acceptable football norm … and that was a plus. However, in a bizarre call of the thrilling UNLV win over Hawaii (there’s more to college football than Tennessee vs. Florida, people), he kept calling Hawaii the Rainbows, even though the school dropped Rainbow from its nickname a few years ago in a fit of homophobia, and he came up with the worst idea that any color analyst has spewed in any televised sporting event, and he wouldn’t let it go. Up 33-28 with :50 to play and with UNLV on the UH six-yard-line, Christensen suggested that “the Rainbows” let the Rebels score so there would be time left on the clock. While that might not seem so crazy considering Hawaii QB Greg Alexander was unstoppable, Christensen stuck with the logic even after Hawaii came up with a sack to put the ball on the 15. Up five, ball on the 15, let them score, and then watch head coach Greg McMackin get canned. As it turned out, UNLV did score on a fantastic play and Hawaii’s Hail Mary attempt got batted away, so maybe it wasn’t such a crazy idea after all.
When he wasn’t mentioning that he thinks Notre Dame will play for the national title … In the throwing stones-at-glass-houses category, considering I biff at least one line or reference in every radio appearance I do, Lou Holtz came up with a priceless moment at the end of ESPN’s wrap-up show during the helmet sticker bit. He gave the honor to Jahvid Best of … um … uh … Oregon. Again, I’ve been there when the mind completely goes blank on something obvious, however, I didn’t have the benefit of holding a helmet in my hand with the word Cal written on it to bail me out.
The C.O.W. airing of the grievances followed by the feats of strength
The ten unknown players who are doing big things.
I’m blatantly stealing a bit from my favorite sports radio show. About a month into the baseball season, the hosts look at the statistical leaders and wonder what Joe Average is doing among the Albert Pujols types. A few games into the college football season, here are some unknown players who appear to be either the new stars of college football, or are interesting names ranked ahead of several higher-profile stars. The question is this … what the heck are they doing on my stat sheet?
10. Aaron Opelt, QB Toledo
Up until last week’s ugly loss to Ohio State, Opelt led the nation in total offense after throwing or 423 yards against Purdue and throwing for 319 yards and running for 109 more against Colorado. In the new Tim Beckman offense, Opelt has finally started to reach his potential after struggling to lead the offense to points in his first few seasons. He has the size, the mobility, and the experience, and now, Buckeye blasting aside, he has the production. In a MAC known mostly for Central Michigan’s Dan LeFevour and Western Michigan’s Tim Hiller, Opelt, who’s currently fifth in the nation in passing, has helped make Toledo a possible title contender.
9. Drew Butler, P Georgia
Georgia has actually punted? The offense has been putting up points without taking a breath over the last two weeks against South Carolina and Arkansas, but the offense has bogged down just enough to unleash the sophomore weapon on the Dawg special teams. Known for being an accuracy specialist last year, Butler has blasted away on his 11 kicks averaging a nation-best 54.55 yards per kick. He’s one of just two players (Oklahoma State’s Quinn Sharp the other) averaging over 50 yards per boot, and he’s averaging four yards more than the No. 2 man. He kept Arkansas pinned deep last week putting three inside the 20.
8. Carmen Messina, LB New Mexico
While the Lobos are on a seven-game losing streak and have been a complete and utter disaster so far for former Illinois assistant, Mike Locksley, Messina has turned into a major-league playmaker for the run defense. Around 240 pounds, the team’s top reserve linebacker of last year is undersized for a defensive lineman, but he has been a guided missile to the ball making 42 tackles in the first three games including 19 against Air Force and 14 against Tulsa. Unfortunately, it hasn’t mattered much. UNM is 114th in the nation against the run.
7. Vincent Brown, WR San Diego State
Speaking of miserable teams, Brown, a junior, has been the one ray of light in a miserable start to the season. New head coach Brady Hoke needs playmakers, and he has one in the 6-0, 185-pounder on the outside. Currently second in the nation in receiving yards per game, behind Hawaii’s Greg Salas, Brown has caught 24 passes for 424 yards and three touchdowns highlighted by last week’s 13-catch, 143-yard, one score game in the loss to Idaho.
6. Chris Owusu, WR Stanford
He was supposed to be a special playmaker for the offense last year, but he tore his MCL early and was out for the season. Now the 6-2, 199-pound sophomore has become one of the Pac 10’s most explosive players leading the nation in kickoff returns, averaging 52.8 yards per try with a 94-yard touchdown against San Jose State and a return for a score in the opener against Washington State. He’s also averaging 16.4 yards per catch making 12 grabs for 197 yards with two scores.
5. Rahim Moore, FS UCLA
USC’s Taylor Mays is the nationally known superstar safety in Los Angeles, but Moore might not be all that far behind as a collegiate talent. With a tremendous blend of NFL speed, decent size, and big-time hitting ability, he had a nice first season making 60 tackles. Now he knows what he’s doing and has been a terror of a free safety with a nation-leading five interceptions, with three against San Diego State and two against Tennessee, with three broken up passes last week against Kansas State. He hasn’t put up big numbers against the run so far, but now the UCLA secondary has taken on a whole new level against the pass with CB Alterraun Verner closing down one side and Moore providing the help in the middle.
4. Dwight Dasher, QB Middle Tennessee
Expected to be a superstar after a strong true freshman season, Dasher regressed, couldn’t stop making mistakes, and spent the last few years as a backup. Now the offense is his, and now he has an offense around him that’s built for his talents. While he’s not big at 5-10 and 204 pounds, he’s extremely fast and has a decent enough arm to make things happen on the move. He has thrown five picks in three games, but he also has five touchdown passes and 176 rushing yards. More importantly, he’s winning with a great late drive to beat Maryland after blowing out Memphis. All of a sudden, Middle Tennessee is a threat for the Sun Belt title and is a threat to beat Mississippi State at home on October 17th.
3. Ralph Bolden, RB Purdue
The nation’s leading rusher over the first two weeks, Bolden is now second behind Fresno State’s Ryan Mathews after struggling against Northern Illinois. Even so, the sophomore has established himself as a weapon after tearing off 234 yards and two scores to start the season against Toledo, and he ran for 123 yards and two touchdowns against Oregon. Even in his bad game he ran for 64 yards and averaged 5.3 yards per carry against NIU. He also has eight catches for 127 yards and a score.
2. Von Miller, DE Texas A&M
A 6-3, 214-pound linebacker, the physical freak of nature was moved to a hybrid position called the Jack this offseason. The results so far have been phenomenal with a nation-leading six sacks in two games with three against both New Mexico and Utah State to go along with ten tackles. A blur off the edge, he’ll be moved around where he’ll be his most disruptive being used as an outside linebacker and an end. Watch out next week against UAB’s do-it-all quarterback Joe Webb and two weeks ago against Arkansas and Ryan Mallett.
1. Freddie Barnes, WR Bowling Green
Barnes started off his career as a quarterback and gave Wisconsin fits rushing for 158 yards in a 2006 loss. But he was quickly moved to wide receiver and is just now blossoming into a superstar even though he caught 143 passes for 1,529 yards and 11 touchdowns over the last few years. The 6-0, 210-pound senior leads the nation in catches, with 42, seven more than the No. 2 man, SMU’s Emmanuel Sanders, while no one else has more than 29 grabs. He has combined with QB Tyler Sheehan to light everyone up like a Christmas tree making 15 catches for 157 yards and two touchdowns against Troy in the opener, followed it up with ten catches for 70 yards against Missouri, and made 17 grabs for 109 yards against Marshall last week. While there’s no way he’ll keep up this high level for the entire year, he’s on pace to catch 168 passes in the regular season.
Random Acts of Nutty … Provocative musings and tidbits to make every woman want you and every man want to be you (or vice versa) a.k.a. things I didn’t feel like writing bigger blurbs for.
- Miami University started out the season allowing 135 points before finally getting on the board. The RedHawks lost to Kentucky and Boise State by a combined score of 100-0 and was down 35-0 to Western Michigan before cracking the end zone in a 48-26 loss.
- Major fun stat in a minor game: UT Martin committed 18 penalties for 157 yards in the 41-14 loss to Memphis.
- Jon Gruden has one more game to stop talking like Jack Burton in Big Trouble in Little China, or else I’m firing Monday Night Football.
- Stop it. Jahvid Best won’t win the Heisman. Cal running backs never get enough national attention, he either won’t get enough carries or he’ll get hurt if he does carry the workload, he’ll be bottled up by USC, and Tim Tebow will end up with his second trophy.
- You want to watch Texas A&M vs. Arkansas on October 3rd. The Hogs are second in the nation in total offense and second in passing, while A&M currently leads the nation in total offense and is sixth in passing.
- More appointment TV. Texas Tech at Houston this week. The Cougars are No. 1 in the nation in scoring and fourth in passing, while Taylor Potts and Texas Tech lead the nation in passing.
- How can a team in the BCS have this sort of a schedule? Take a look at the nightmare Washington State has to deal with over the next six games. At USC, at Oregon, Arizona State, at Cal, at Notre Dame, at Arizona. That’s something Utah State or Florida International should be dealing with.
C.O.W. shameless gimmick item … The weekly five Overrated/Underrated aspects of the world
1) Overrated: Tailgate tested … Underrated: Tailgate approved
2) Overrated: Johnny Castle … Underrated: Bodhi
3) Overrated: Texas over Texas Tech ... Underrated: A perfect up-the-moon shot of Bevo taking a dump on College GameDay
4) Overrated: 2009 Megan Fox ... Underrated: 1984 Phoebe Cates
5) Overrated: Colt McCoy’s peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and Pedialyte ... Underrated: Getting a flu shot
”I should be purged. I should be flogged. I shouldn’t walk among good people.” … The three lines this week that appear to be a tad off.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I went 1-2 again, but Rutgers flat-out gave up late allowing FIU to get the backdoor cover, and as I mentioned earlier, I defy anyone to watch the Jacksonville State – Florida State game and not think that Max Hall and BYU would go bananas. I press on. … 1) Army +10 over Iowa State, 2) Notre Dame -7 over Purdue, 3) Toledo pick over FIU
Week 3 Results: 1) Michigan State +11 over Notre Dame (WIN, Notre Dame 33-30), 2) Rutgers -15 over FIU (LOSS, Rutgers 23-15), 3) BYU -7 over Florida State (LOSS, FSU 54-28)
… Record So Far: 2-7.
My Heisman ballot this week would be (if the college football season ended right now) … 1. Jacory Harris, QB Miami, 2) Case Keenum, QB Houston, 3) Jahvid Best, RB California
Sorry this column sucked, it wasn’t my fault … Urban Meyer didn’t like it and questioned my play calls. He thought I was too conservative in key spots.