Cavalcade of Whimsy - The Texas Clock
Texas PK Hunter Lawrence
Texas PK Hunter Lawrence
Posted Dec 9, 2009

Nebraska fans are still buzzing about the end of the Big 12 Championship. Does Texas really deserve the win and should it be in the national title? From the final second of the Longhorn win, to Urban's dehydration, to why Tony Dungy is becoming dangerous, all in the latest Cavalcade of Whimsy.

Cavalcade of Whimsy

Dec. 9

Past Cavalcades
- 2008 Season | Sept. 1, Part 1 | Sept. 1 - Part 2
- Week 1 (The Bradford Shoulder) | Week 2 (Time To Boot the Big East?)
- Week 3 (The Ten New Stars)
- Week 4 (ESPN's responsibility)
- Week 5 (The incomparable Bobby Bowden) 
- Week 6 (The 10 big college football arguments)
- Week 7 .. Part 1 | Part 2 - The Ten Best Players In College Football ... so far
- Week 8 ... Part 1 | Part 2 - You're an idiot if ... 
- Week 9 ... Part 1 | Part 2 - What if players couldn't leave early for the NFL?
- Week 10 .. Part 1 | Part 2 - Every conference race broken down
- Week 11.. Part 1 | Part 2 - The 10 unsung things you need to know 
- Week 12.. Part 1 | Part 2 - Breaking Down The Award Finalists 
- Week 13 - The Notre Dame Circus | Part 2 Ten things to be grouchy about
By Pete Fiutak

- Part 2 - Ten things to be grouchy about

Sorry if this column sucks, it's not my fault … I was too busy looking for my pants, which were coached off me by Nick Saban, and forgot to drink a glass of water.

"Look at me. Do I look like a guy who panics? Where did you go to medical school? I had a heart attack, you quack bastard." ... Urban Meyer was hospitalized following the loss in the SEC Championship game complaining of chest pains, but he was treated for dehydration. If only there was some sort of panther whiz-tasting, American kid-fattening, Tiger Woods-bailing, sugared-sports drink that existed that was supposed to replenish fluids. Urban, you're the head coach of the University of Florida Gators, as in Gatorade, as in you should be contractually obligated to have a cup of that garbage in your hands at all times, as in it was probably what was in the IV that zipped you back to normal. Didn't you see the commercials with the weird scientists who brilliantly came to the conclusion that football players in the heat and humidity of the Deep South needed to drink liquids?

"Ken, Lonny, I'd like you to meet ... Mohammet ... Jugdish, Sidney and Clayton. Grab a seat and make yourselves at home. Don't be shy about helping yourselves to punch and cookies." … Ladies and gentlemen, your 2010 Fiesta Bowl.

Oh, come on, BCS. Really? You're sticking TCU and Boise State at the kids table? It might be the best of the BCS bowls, and it'll be truly entertaining, but it does nothing to help the sport of college football move forward. Florida vs. Cincinnati is nice, but our lives would all be better and far more fulfilled with one easy switch: Florida vs. Boise State in the Sugar, and TCU vs. Cincinnati in the Fiesta. That way, the Horned Frog – Bearcat game would be for the No. 2 spot in the final rankings, Boise State would get a fair and honest shot at the biggest of the big names, and the Orange Bowl could've still had the Iowa fan base against Georgia Tech. Instead, we'll get nothing more than a slew of interesting exercises.

And wait for Congress to try and get a bill passed in time to give you an honest shot ... You're absolutely right, Bearcats, Horned Frogs, and Broncos, this does suck. Now go rock in the bowl games. Cincinnati, blast away Florida like Utah did against Alabama last year and we'll all take up your cause and you'll get the respect the Utes received. The winner in the Fiesta Bowl needs to do so in dominant fashion and not with some sort of Poinsettia Bowl-like 17-16 victory. Do that and prove that you should've been in Pasadena.

FBI man 1: Tell you what, Mr. Simpson, from now on your name is Homer Thompson, at Terror Lake. Let's just practice a bit, hmmmm? So when I say hello Mr. Thompson, you say hi.
Homer: Check!
FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[Homer stares blankly] FBI man 1: [pause]
FBI man 1: Now, remember, your name is Homer Thompson.
Homer: I gotcha!
FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[again Homer stares blankly]
FBI man 1: [FBI men stare at each other]
[hours pass by]
FBI man 1: [frustrated] Argh... Now when I say "Hello Mr. Thompson" and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
Homer: No problem.
[stepping hard on Homer's foot]
FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson. [Homer stares blankly again for a few seconds]
Homer: [whispering to the FBI man next to him] I think he's talking to you. ...
Stop it before you start. Don't even bring it up. There is no playoff, we're not going to get a playoff, and we won't be able to cue the wayback machine to turn back the clock in ten years to see if TCU, Cincinnati, or Boise State really did belong in the national title, so don't waste your time and energy. Instead, let's focus on the land of the real and possible and work on the current system, most importantly, the voting.

I'm fortunate enough to be on the inside of voting for many of the major awards and I'm seeing more and more how the process of these things are getting done. Rolando McClain is on CBS every week and the announcers praise him for being smart, so he gets the Butkus, while more deserving players go by the wayside because they don't get the pub. Some guy named Mike Iupati is a finalist for the Outland because Mel Kiper has him on his big board (ahh, ahhh, ahhhhh, ahhhhhhh-choooBlesto). And coaches vote in the top 25 based on team name, record, and highlights. This is a sport whose champion is based 2/3rds on judges and opinions, and they're misinformed, lazy, and wrong. I'd have less of a problem with Alabama vs. Texas in my national championship if I knew that more than five people voting in the polls could name the starting quarterbacks for all ten BCS teams.

"Hey man! It's really weird! Strange things keep happening. Like plates are disappearing and the tables keep, well, shrinking. Looks like there's a poltergoost in the house...." ... Ahhhhhh!!! Ahhhhh!!! The ghost of Walter Cronkite is doing promotions for the University of Texas!!! Phew, glad that's over. Ah, an ad for satellite radio. Ahhhhhh!!! Thin Elvis. Ahhhhhh!!!

If you thought 45-35 was bad ... They got the call right, and that's all that matters. It was one of the dumbest brain cramps in the history of college football, and because Colt McCoy lucked out and there was one second to play shouldn't excuse just how jaw-droppingily, mind-numbingly brainless Mack Brown and Texas were at the very end of the Big 12 Championship. They caught a huge, HUGE break that would've been the all-timer of all-timer choke jobs by a coaching staff had time run out.

There's no conspiracy, and while Nebraska might be grouchy that it didn't work out, there really was one second still on the clock. For those of you who believe that Big 12 and the officials would've only put one second back on the clock for Texas and not Nebraska, because they wanted the Longhorns in the national title, remember, the conference would've made more money with a Husker win because then two teams would be in the BCS.

If you're still mad at how things turned out, think of it this way; it would've been far, far worse controversy-wise had the officials said that time ran out, Nebraska got the win, and after the fact replay showed that there should've been one-second left on the clock. After what happened in 2008, Longhorn nation would've gone nuclear had Texas lost because of an official's error.

Ndamukong, Ndamukong, bo-Bdamukong, Banana-fana foKong, Fee-fi-mo-Kong, Ndamukong ... … It would be interesting to see how many Heisman voters put Ndamakong Suh, Ndamukong Sue, Sue Ndamukong, DonkeyKong Suh, or That Guy Who Kept Sitting On Colt McCoy's Head on their ballots.

There's no truth to the rumor that ... The janitors around the Alabama practice facilities have had to work overtime mopping up all of Terrence Cody's drool after he watched games tapes of the Big 12 Championship.

"No, Mr. Lieberstein -- your decision was based, not on consideration, but on FEAR!!! Fear of carpets STAINED!!! Of deliverymen CLAWED!!! Of kitty litter boxes tipped over!! Of hairballs coughed up!! We have seen this fear before: in Cambodia, under Pol Pot. In Russia, under Stalin. In Massachusetts, under Mitt Romney. It is the FEAR, sir, and the TYRANNY of with which we DARE no longer PUT!! I pray thee, sir, let us have done with it!!" ... With each passing word NBC Football Night In America analyst, Tony Dungy, is becoming more than just a mellonhead who's being exposed more and more each week; he's becoming dangerous.

Before the Minnesota-Arizona game on Sunday night, NBC aired a shoddy piece on the lack of minority head coaches in college football led by Dungy, who hinted that colleges and universities are racist because there are so few African-American head coaches at the FBS level.

Dungy's fatal-flaw as a commentator is that he's trying to have it both ways. He tries to have opinions, which is what he's being paid by NBC to do, but he always stops short of true criticism because, like all coaches who go to the booth with a plan to someday get back on the sidelines, he doesn't want to burn any bridges. That's fine when it comes to the nuts-and-bolts of analyzing football, even though it makes him a bad studio presence, but it's unfair and incredibly irresponsible to do that when it comes to a topic as hot-button and inflammatory as racism.

I have no problem if Dungy, Charles Barkley, or anyone wants to out a college or university that they believe made a decision on a college football head coach based on skin color, but only if they go the extra step and say, "(insert school here and school president here) are racist."

Tony, if you believe a certain school that didn't interview Mike Tomlin did so only because Tomlin is an African-American, then call … it … out. Name names. Solve the problem. Have a solution. Don't just float the concept that college football is "institutionalized racism" when it comes to hiring practices, and then go to a commercial and move on to a piece about Brett Favre. And worse, don't imply that schools that employ a white head coach are inherently racist because they didn't hire an African-American.

To channel my inner Keith Olbermann, NBC, how dare you. How dare you have Bob Costas, who has never uttered a word he wasn't smugly proud of, do some voiced-over montage and show Danny Hope, Dabo Swinney, and Bill Snyder to suggest that Purdue, Clemson, and Kansas State, respectively, were to blame for the lack of minorities in head coaching jobs. Again, if you really believe that those schools were racist in their hiring practices, then prove it, say it, and don't suggest it. And Dungy, how dare you not apologize to Kansas State. Now.

Kansas State was the only school that Dungy mentioned by name as he told an anecdote about former defensive coordinator, Raheem Morris, the current Tampa Bay head coach, leaving for the pros because he didn't think he could get a head coaching job in college. First of all, what?! Second, report the whole story. Dungy failed to point out that Kansas State sued Morris for leaving early to take an assistant coaching job at Tampa Bay; Kansas State wanted Morris to stay. And third, KANSAS STATE HIRED RON PRINCE. Was Prince fired because he's an African-American? No, he was fired because he was bad at coaching football, but in the world of this NBC piece, Kansas State is now part of the problem because Bill Snyder, only a legend at the school and the architect of one of the greatest turnarounds in college football history, wanted to come back to try to revive the program. Now, the average NFL fan who watched this piece, and has no idea who Prince is, has no choice to put a mental checkmark next to Kansas State football.

Of course the lack of minority head coaches in college football is a disastrous embarrassment. No one is denying that and everyone with a brain would like this to be different. So what, besides a tougher form of the Rooney Rule, which is already in place, do you want to do about it? I'm not going to pretend to have an answer, but if a major pregame show is going to do a piece like this and if it's going to let Dungy do a half-assed commentary complete with potshots (along with a criticism of the "Pac 12"), then it had better have a stronger idea of how to fix the problem and who's to blame. Otherwise, what Dungy did made it sound like colleges should hire coaches based on the color of their skin.

What's most interesting about this is the timing, considering there wasn't one minority being rumored for the Notre Dame job. Did you see one shot of Irish football in the montage of white head coaches? Of course not, and take a wild guess why. It's not like there isn't a controversy around the program considering Charlie Weis was given another year that Ty Willingham wasn't. This was a bad enough piece to begin with, and if Dungy wanted to do this now as a shot against the Irish, and wasn't man enough to mention the words Notre and Dame because of the NBC deal, then this takes on a whole other level of shame and gutlessness.

And I'm still pushing for GameDay to come broadcast from my breakfast nook, but it snowed out and now there's no parking. They'd have to park around the block, they'd track salt in my house, and I'd have to find spots for their coats. It'd be a mess. … It's Week Seven of my open lobbying of the ESPN College Football Final show guys to give me a helmet sticker and the signed T-shirt, suitable for framing. Why do I deserve one this week? I took down my life-sized promotional poster of C.J. Spiller and I need something new for my wall.

- Part 2 - Ten things to be grouchy about