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Fiu's Cavalcade of Whimsy - 2013
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Pete Fiutak
Dec 3, 2013

a.k.a. Frank Costanza's Festivus Airing of the Grievances

Cavalcade of Whimsy

Dec. 3, Part 1

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Cavalcade of Whimsy - Dec. 3
- Part 2, The wacky BCS scenarios  

Sorry if this column sucks, it's not my fault … it would be a disservice to the nation if this column was left out of the BCS championship.

- August 27 - Kickoff Cavalcade
- Sept. 3 - Enter Jameis Winston 
- Sept. 10 - Trying To Quit Texas
- Sept. 17 - Trying To Help The NCAA
- Sept. 24 - Cupcake Saturday Fiasco
- Oct. 1 - The Lane Kiffin Aftermath
- Oct. 8 - Cavalcade of Condi
- Oct. 15 - The Midseason With The QB
- Oct. 22 - Fiu crashing the committee | Nov 5 - The Fan Bill of Rights
- Nov. 5 - Really, what did Ohio State do wrong? 
- Nov. 12 -  AJ McCarron REALLY a Heisman contender? 
- Nov. 19 -  One team's disaster 
- Nov. 26 -  Who'll win the awards? 
Because Jimmy Johnson couldn't win a big game ... In 1984, Miami was up 31-0 on Maryland. The Terps' Frank Reich engineered the greatest comeback in college football history, at least at the time, for a stunning 42-40 win. The Hurricanes had two weeks to sit and stew over the crushing defeat, and they came out roaring on the Friday of Thanksgiving weekend against Boston College, only to lose 47-45 on a neat little throw from Doug Flutie. Because of those two classics, I'm not quite sure if Auburn holds the title for the most interesting back-to-back college football games of all-time from a historical standpoint, but it's on the podium.

It would've been really interesting if the big play was made by Tunde Fariyke ... Sometime around late August of 2014, we need a score check of the number of children named Ricardo Louis (insert last name here) and Chris Davis (insert last name here).

And, to make matters worse, Webb is later seen on the back of a Jet Ski with the Geico pig wearing an Auburn hat ... It doesn't matter who she is, you show me the hottest woman in the world, and I'll show you a man who takes absolutely no solace whatsoever in the "I'm sorry, baby" condolence peck after a soul-crushing loss.

It was all made even worse by the Chris Davis detailed analysis of "catch it and run it" ... Knowing how coaches roll, and knowing how the man ticks, Nick Saban can win five more national championships, and he might, but with his last dying breath he's going to be haunted by how his team wasn't prepared for that. Coaches never, ever, ever get over gnawing things like this.

But, somehow, magically, Stanford would still managed to get a three-seed ... Here's the problem with that whole the-best-teams-should-play-in-BCS-championship-no-matter-what thing. If you're going to blow off the records of unbeaten BCS conference champions. The best team in college football is probably Alabama.

If this was the end of the 2014 season, your four team playoff would be, assuming the big boys win, No. 1 Florida State vs. No. 4 Alabama and No. 2 Ohio State vs. No. 3 SEC champion, and Alabama probably wins it all.

Assuming there's no chance Duke wins, if the Buckeyes blow it, it would be No. 1 Florida State vs. No. 4 Alabama if Auburn wins the SEC championship, or No. 1 Florida State vs. No. 4 Michigan State if Missouri wins. It would then be either Mizzou vs. Alabama, as seeded by the College Football Playoff Committee of Integrity, or Michigan State vs. Auburn.

"Dang! You got shocks, pegs... lucky! You ever take it off any sweet jumps?" ... Considering the way the last two games have gone for Auburn, Missouri will suddenly realize that it's Missouri; Ohio State is going to get pummeled by Michigan State; all the stewardesses on the flight to Pasadena will have long legs and brains; outside of the occasional rainbow, the weather will be 77 and sunny the entire time; the hotel pay-per-view channels will magically all play for free and the sensors on the mini-bar won't work; all the vending machines will be stocked with Coke; Jameis Winston won't be eligible to play in the BCS championship; the news of the Winston suspension will come about ten minutes before the kickoff; the story will be broken by Selena Roberts; the Seminoles' pregame meal turkey sandwiches will be a little dry; Nick Saban will take the Texas gig; the NCAA will finally get around to that pesky Yahoo! thing from a few months ago; and Lane Kiffin will be announced as your new Crimson Tide head football coach.

73 days since … the Yahoo sports allegations against D.J. Fluker, Tyler Bray, Maurice Couch, Fletcher Cox and Chad Bumphis, along with the Sports Illustrated allegations against Oklahoma State.

Oh, yay! An offseason of dealing with Ohio State and SEC fans in a high-level of "you suck," "no, YOU suck" discourse ... This has been so much fun, but it could all end up so very, very unsatisfying.

Assuming it's Florida State vs. Ohio State, if Jameis Winston is charged and suspended, and if the Seminoles lose to the Buckeyes, the OSU national title comes with the mother of all, "yeah, but …" scenarios.

Either way, if it's the Noles or the Buckeyes holding up the crystal ball thingy in Pasadena, if the SEC champion rocks in the Sugar Bowl, and/or Alabama destroys someone in, likely, the Orange Bowl, the BCS championship trophy will carry as much weight as a 2012 Ohio State Big Ten Champion t-shirt.

But it might be worth it just to see how Urban first goes ballistic, and then spins back to say how honored he is to take the team to the Rose Bowl ... The flip side, of course, is if the SEC champion does pass up Ohio State and plays Florida State for the BCS championship, and loses, and the Buckeyes win the Rose Bowl to finish unbeaten. Absolutely no one whatsoever would buy the Seminoles as the true national champion.

If only this Little Engine That Could football program could finally catch a little bit of a break ... Ohio State hasn't played anyone? Okay, but it does play Michigan State, and that's not bad. Yes, I'm the Grand Marshal of the SEC Champion Needs To Be In The BCS Championship parade, but you have to put the 13-0 Buckeyes in the BCS championship. You have to.

Misguided questioning of coaches, Part 1 ... Of course you go for it if you're Saban. With a struggling kicking game and one of the best offensive lines in America, of course you go for it on fourth-and-short. Of course you let your kicker with 60-yard practice range try to win it. You tell him there's no pressure and to just bang the heck out of it and see what happens, and you prepare your team for the possibility of a blocked kick. Saban didn't necessarily get outcoached late in the game; his team got outplayed. Auburn won the game; Alabama didn't lose it.

Misguided questioning of coaches, Part 2 ... It's the biggest game of the season. If you're Michigan, and you don't have your kicker, Brendan Gibbons, the last thing you do is put a backup kicker on the field for the game-tying extra point for the chance to go to overtime, and then put him in a position to have to hit a big field goal in the extra frames. Of course you go for two if you're Brady Hoke, of course.

Real Sports is on line two … again ... Realizing I might be saying this, too, after Gus Malzahn is holding the BCS championship trophy - I still don't think Auburn is that good, and I'm not quite sure why outside of having the Washington State game etched in my brain, along with the problem of needed a true fluke to beat Georgia. Play the Iron Bowl again tomorrow and I'm still taking the Tide -10.5.

"I've seen teams suck before but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked." ... Okay, enough. Look, SEC, I'm with you. I, too, believe that you really and truly can't have a true national championship without an SEC team involved in some way, but let's cut out the self-righteous, high-end bullspit about schedules, and let's be honest.

Alabama sucked against Virginia Tech, sucked against Texas A&M, and came up with nice home wins over Ole Miss and LSU. Arkansas sucked, gagging away a game against a miserable Rutgers team. Yeah, Auburn tagged Bama, but it almost lost at home to Washington State, needed a miracle to beat a depleted Georgia, and beat an overrated Texas A&M. Yippee.

Florida was relatively healthy when it sucked in a loss to Miami, and later sucked even more against Georgia Southern and against Florida State. Georgia was healthy when it lost at Clemson and sort of sucked in the overtime win over Georgia Tech. Kentucky was a suckfest against Western Kentucky and Louisville, finishing the year with a win over the worst team in the FBS – Miami University – and another over Alabama … State.

LSU struggled to beat a sucky TCU, beat Auburn, and did a whole lot of nothing the rest of the way – if you buy my premise that Texas A&M was overrated. Missouri sucked for a half against a truly sucky Indiana and is currently living off of wins over depleted Georgia and Florida teams and A&M. I don't care that Texas was on a bender, the Ole Miss win in Austin was impressive, and beating a sleepy LSU was good, but that's about it. Mississippi State lost to Oklahoma State and needed everything in the bag to get by Bowling Green.

South Carolina helps the SEC's cause with strong, decisive wins over North Carolina, UCF and Clemson, but the loss to Tennessee sort of tempers the enthusiasm. Slice it however you want to, but the Vols lost 59-14 against Oregon.

Texas A&M sucked against Rice until Mr. Football was let out of the penalty box, but your season sucks if the biggest highlight came in a thrilling loss, even if it was against Alabama. Vanderbilt sucked against Wake Forest, and the rest of its non-conference slate was a pity party of suck.

I'm still saying the SEC is the best conference. I'm still defending it. However, for the almighty, nastiest of nasty leagues, 10-7 against BCS conference teams, with three of those coming from South Carolina doing the heavy lifting? Oooooooh. It sort of sucks.

But let's readjust a wee bit after the bowl season ... With that said, taking into account a few Northern Illinois wins here, East Carolina's fun against the ACC there, remembering that the Big 12 generally plays no one out of conference and bringing in BYU and Notre Dame – since they basically played BCS schedules – how did the other conferences do against other BCS leagues, BYU and Notre Dame? AAC 4-12, ACC 8-12, Big Ten 10-8, Big 12 4-5 and Pac-12 8-4.

"So please please please let me, let me, let me let me get what I want this time" … Welcome to my shameless and impossible quest to be on the committee that helps pick the playoff. Why do I deserve a spot? Florida State, Ohio State, SEC champion, Alabama. There. Playoff committee this.
Cavalcade of Whimsy - Dec. 3
- Part 2, The wacky BCS scenarios  

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